How do you manage to have no contact?

[Anonymous]

I was told by a solicitor that unfortunately because we have a baby together that no contact won’t be possible 🤯

Has anyone dealt with this?

[littledove]

Hi H@venoclue,

So I have experience in that I have a child to my abuser. I haven’t been on the forum in a while so I don’t know much about your background.

My ex isn’t involved and hasn’t seen my little one in a couple years. He found a new victim and quickly forgot about my little one – which I’m thankful for.

But, when he had been seeing her I got constant solicitors letter through the post. And had threats of court too.

Are you seeing Women’s Aid? They can give great advice on how to manage things with your children and your abusive ex to help keep you and your children safe as possible. My Women’s aid worker actually came to one appointment with my solicitor with me to represent me.

Is he on birth certificate? Had he been seeing the baby before you split up? What sort of contact does he have with the baby just now?

Basically, you can’t co-parent with an abusive ex. It’s just not possible, he’ll take advantage and abuse you further, this is how they continue their abuse and keep control even after you leave.

I blocked him off everything and got a close trusted family member of mine to deal with the texts about my little one. He would always try attempt to get me to unblock him but I never gave him what he wanted. He doesn’t want your baby, he wants you and doesn’t want to lose the control. You have to go gray rock (search the term), basically show him that nothing he does bothers you, even if it does! Be as boring and uninterested as you possibly can be and hopefully he will get bored knowing he doesn’t have the control anymore and will hopefully find someone he can actually get something from.

But I know some people who set up a separate email just for communication about the child. So you only check this email when it suits you, so you’re not hounded by notifications from him ruining your day.
And you keep it purely just about the child. So if he were to go off topic about something else then you would just ignore it and only respond to things about your child.

I would try the family member thing though. It keeps him out your life. x

[Anonymous]

I have left recently with the baby. He’s been in his life since birth but because of a relationship breakdown, his way of dealing with things when it came to me and the fact that (detail removed by Moderator) before I left he gave me the silent treatment and barely took any notice of the baby… it killed me. Why take it on the baby?
He has worn me down… and my story is long and don’t want to bore anyone else with it.
Even after we left it took him a few days to get in touch and “funnily” enough it had nothing to do with the baby.
I have kept my cool so far. No contact whatsoever. Making it official as we couldn’t get to an agreement ever with regards to raising the child and taking me to court would actually be proof that he wants to be in his baby’s life ..
I never wanted him out of his baby’s life but now I am having second thoughts about that as well.
I have tried to reason with him before actually leaving. Trying to get to an agreement with regards to the child but he has completely disregarded everything and I think he was trying to scare me.
Now he is trying everything in the books. Threats, then I’m sorry .. you are wonderful.. and then the baby …
I am in touch with women’s aid and actually the solicitor that they work with has told me that no contact would be almost impossible.
I guess I should wait and see.. whether he will do anything about it.

Thank you though… I needed to read something coming from another person if that makes sense.

[littledove]

He took it out on the baby because he doesn’t care about him. They can’t build connections with others like normal people do, even with their own children. Everyone is just like an object to them, that they can use for their own benefits. They don’t see other people’s needs, it’s only themselves they care about.

Yeah the tactics he is using are textbook abuser. Threats, followed by fake apologies and trying to charm you back, then when that doesn’t work trying to make it seem it’s about the baby and guilt tripping you, and when all of those fail it’s back to threats and aggressive behaviours.
They are so manipulative.

[Eggshells]

I think your solicitor is wrong.

KIP knows loads about this stuff and will hopefully see your post as she can explain ways of allowing contact with your child without being in contact with you.

Sorry, I can’t be of much use, just wanted to offer some reassurance until those in the know spot your post. xx

[Anonymous]

There is another woman here that actually is going through mediation with the same solicitor and she was told the same even though she mentioned she wants nothing to do with him but agreed for him to see the children. She was advised to go and take the children herself to contact but to do it in public spaces where there is surveillance… 😑
I have read a lot lately and I thank all of you for all the advice and recommendations. I don’t think I would’ve made it sanely without any of it.
I went back once before because the tricks have worked and I fell for them like a silly fool. Not anymore though. It hurts like hell, feeling helpless… ignored , taken for granted , questioning myself..
again, thanks to you all I am now a bit wiser
I know I just have to be patient now and continue holding my ground.

[littledove]

This solicitor sounds terrible and that they don’t really know much about domestic abuse. My solicitor was so supportive and understanding, she saw right through my ex. She fully supported the contact done through a family member of mine and the handling of messaging with my ex done through this family member as well.

This other woman shouldn’t need to drop the child off herself. She can get someone else to do that for her x

[KIP.]

Hi there. You can use a third party for all contact. A separate phone for text messages regarding contact and that way there is a record of his texts. Keep everything he sends as evidence. He will use the child to get to you so if you’re out of the loop then he may well get bored. You’re not denying contact although this is what I’d fight for, so you’re being reasonable. Talk to your GP about the impact of his abuse and his contact and have it noted in your notes (good evidence should it be needed). The court will want to see you putting your child’s welfare first so don’t give your ex any ammunition. Use that third party and texts. Court is expensive so he may well not actually go that far. Set boundaries and stick to them. Read When Daddy hurts Mummy by Lundy Bancroft x it’s child abuse when he abuses you. You’re the mother of his child and he simply doesn’t care x

[KIP.]

I believe there are also Apps for separating parents which might be worth checking out. Make sure you’re legally the resident parent and once access is agreed there should be no need for contact unless in an emergency and then you have your third party hopefully x

[Author]

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