How do you not react to aReactive abuser

[Danka]

I suspect..actually I now see…finally I see it!
Even that I feel like I should deny it all.
i don’t want to belive it.
My husband upsets me on purpose. I then lose controll of my self and shout and scream and cry. Then I feel horrible for acting this way and blame my self.he lought and says it not him it’s me. I’m unreasonable and overreacting.
But I ask him to stop doing things and explain that he upsets me when he is doing it over and over again. I beg for explanation why he did it and why is he not sorry if he don’t mean to make me feel this way. (detail removed by moderator) and he never once said I’m sorry to me or anyone in his life. I have always assumed he is good and I’m just mad and overeating.i though I maybe am bipolar or something else is wrong with me and I need to work on myself.
He hieds thing from me, moves things out of place so I can not find them or reach them. Puts things in the “skip ” pile when I need them and use them regularly.
He builds a piramid of dirty dishes next to the dishwasher if I didn’t clean up that night and (detail removed by moderator)
My plants have moved places. He kills mynplants as it was my hobby. He always moves or makes them dog accesible if there is one I’m particularly proud of.
He moves the dog bowls to a very inconvenient place. (detail removed by moderator)
So what do I do now?this all happened (detail removed by moderator) while I was at work.
Do I Put the plants back?move the bowls ,by new cleaning items?
I’ve always adjusted my self to him.but at some point I will break and react as he just keeps on pushing and pushing my buttons.
I’ve told him I want devorce (detail removed by moderator) thats why he finally did dome housework at all.he wants to appear good …but he couldn’t help him self to do the extra thing to annoy me.
I didnt mention anything at all after work. Ignored it all ,Kept my cool and focused on children. For the first time I could see the nervs on him. And how he tried to hide it but he has waited and waited for me to explode.he used the kids in despare too , at bed time. “Mommy’s not coming upstairs she’s tired.” It’s something he does a lot instead of asking me while I’m next to him .
I didnt react . Just said its ok and went to the children.
I’ve never seen him so “still” it was so clear to me what’s happening.
I dont think I can keep it up for ever. But I’m not putting my children tru devorce at this stage. In a mean time …
Please give me some advice .
Any pointers.
Any tools to cary with me.
Before I fall appart agin.
He sabotaged all my hobbies,diet, helth, carea too.

[Lisa]

Hi Danka,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing with us about your experiences.

It’s really unacceptable that your husband is treating you like this, using acts he knows upset you and then laughing about it and putting the blame on you. It sounds like a very oppressive environment, being kept in this stressed state, questioning your mental health. It’s such a positive that you are now seeing his behaviour as the abuse that it is, although it can take time and be difficult to process, that’s normal. Recognising the abuse can give you a little power back because you can start reaching out for support (like you have here!), learn about abuse and tactics that he’s using, arm yourself with knowledge and options so you’re empowered to make informed decisions about what you want.

Additional, specialist support can be helpful, you don’t need to be ready or even wanting to leave to access this. You’re experiencing abuse and you deserve to have support. If you wanted to speak to a Women’s Aid worker through our Live Chat Service (8am – 6pm weekdays and 10am – 6pm weekends/bank holidays), you could discuss your situation and they’ll be able to let you know what further support and advice is available and how to access it. If you’d like some ongoing support, then you could reach out to your local domestic abuse service for this.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[swanlake]

Thinking of you. That does sound a scary and disconcerting situation to be in.
I’m glad that you’ve found this site. Do you have any people around you who can support you, for example your local women’s centre, your local children’s centre or family hub or health visitor etc. I’ve done gardening with and donated houseplants to local places to me, joined walking groups and done courses in assertiveness. So completely different to being around my abuser and a place where I could be myself.
I’ve also screamed and shouted at my abuser in my distress and been told that I was bullying him just for expressing my needs. It’s all part of the power and control that abusers want.

[Author]

Posts