How do you prove emotional abuse

[Scapegoat]

Paranoid and obsessive jealousy are no joke but I too feel that I’m over reacting, that there are people worse off than me who deserve the little help that is out there right now.
However over the last few months I have got to the point where I can no longer cope living like this…but guess what, I’m still here.
For the past (detail removed by moderator) or so things have gone way out of control. If I go out and another car in street goes out or in road …I’m meeting them. I am apparently sleeping with every male in my workplace, slept with people I’ve never even spoken to. Nicked his belongings, stolen his money even though he doesn’t work for (detail removed by moderator).If I go to shop I’m on a time limit. Says I don’t pay him enough attention. I don’t do this properly that properly. Am I thick or just on a wind up? My pants are checked to see which ones I’ve worn. I can’t go to the gym anymore…found out there was a couple of blokes in the class I did. I haven’t a night out with friends since we’ve been together (almost (detail removed by moderator) I am a complete nervous wreck!
He doesn’t hit me…just pushes/slaps/kicks/pokes/throws stuff at me, spits at me/ puts his hand round my throat…but because he doesn’t full on punch me, I see it as me being a drama queen.
I have tried every strategy known to man, being submissive, shouting back, ignoring, grey rock…none of it works. I have to apologise to him for things he’s done as he says it all my fault(obviously) which makes me feel angry, empty and numb
Lockdown has been a complete nightmare, I have a serious condition which puts me at extreme high risk so cannot leave at present. This is his perfect scenario: complete control. Now I am questioned if I go to the toilet, look out the window, pick up my phone, do some work. He shouts at the top of his voice in the (detail removed by moderator) that I’ve cheated on him. Tells me he’s going to lose me my job, destroy me. I thought he was completely out of control but if the phone rings he calms down immediately and talks like nothing has happened…something I can never do.

I hate myself, feel worthless, am empty, numb, fearful, guilty, obligated, angry, exhausted, confused and lost the will to live.

It sounds all too easy now, to say enough is enough, and after this horrible virus I will go, I’ve been saying that for more years than I have fingers. Friends are trying to tell me to ring police but what can they do. They are busy enough and if he hasn’t hit me they can’t arrest him for calling me names and accusing me of cheating. I would feel guilty if he was chucked out of his home at any time, yet alone now and that is my problem, I have a conscience, I am a decent human being but in that I have forgotten all about me.

[diymum@1]

It so much worse in this climate isnt it. I have stood in your shoes – spat on pushed phone smashed he actually hit me twice in (detail removed by moderator). spitting pushing and terrorising you IS a form of physical abuse. We get so conditioned by their behaviour and we feel like were not worth much. I almost felt like i deserved what i got the treatment i received and if you stand back and ask yourself why would this be true? noone deserves this. its not easy to call the police its scarey but when is the right time to do it? i always waited until he did actually hit me i had to be completely terrified to act – to pick up the phone. have you contacted womens aid about the situation? xx it took me (detail removed by moderator) years to finally get out but i can honestly say you cant do this alone xx you need help to get out of an abusive relationship xxxx it can be done so never give up on that xx

much love diymum xxxx

 

[diymum@1]

sorry !! in answering your question you can prove emotional abuse using a diary of events and showing a pattern. what your going through is emotional abuse but it is also intimidating and harassing behaviour xx spitting is physical so is pushing slamming doors driving wrecklessly xx

[Scapegoat]

Thanks diymum,
I think I just want to deny it as I can’t get my head round why. I know I will never get the answer to that. Like you said is always our fault despite the fact it’s clearly not. Am sure it is to to try and drive me mad.
Have kept an online diary and voice recordings. To be honest is like Groundhog Day same s**t different day. Got to the point now where I can’t even bring myself to record/ write as it depresses me so much and then he has the gall to say.” You don’t cuddle me, pay me compliments” blah blah. When I tell him because he has destroyed me and I don’t trust him anymore he then gores on to tell me how much he’s changed for me, how hard he’s been trying , how much of an effort he’s put in????????
That just makes me exasperated. Is he really that stupid or just playing some sick and twisted game?

[HopeLifeJoy]

That’s a very interesting question and he most probably is both. A highly manipulative stupid idiot. Does that describe him accurately enough 😬

If you are interested there is plenty of material on youtube explaining the different kind of abusive men existing out there. There are also books Living with the dominator and Why does he do that explaining the different types of abusers.

He might be an entitled idiot, he might be highly manipulative and enjoys playing games, he might be exploitative.
Being an abuser his end game is ultimately always the same; he’s after complete power and control over his intimate partner behind closed doors.

If you’re still recording his behaviour, create a template, to make it easier for you and keep the description short. Standard open questions like when, where, what, who, how should give you plenty of information about each incident and keep a record and show the pattern for later evidence.

Keep strong ok, breathe. You will be ok.

[Anonymous]

Scapegoat, I feel for you so much. I try to keep a journal but it’s so hard, isn’t it? I recorded the way my partner talks to me
/argues a couple of times and it was so horrible listening back I ended up deleting the recordings which I regret now. I sound like a whining idiot on them, he has a way of sounding so superior, I started questioning whether perhaps it was my fault – but in hindsight, with help, particularly from the lovely people on here, I’ve realised it’s not my fault. That’s what these abusers want, to make you feel like you’re going mad.

As HLJ says, stay strong. Big hug x

[Tickleribber]

I believe this treatment of you is illegal, comes under coercive control, you can do some online research, but I’m pretty certain that it’s covered by fairly recent legislation.
I’d be interested to know how you prove it as well, I had to force myself to start a diary start of 2019 as this type of treatment happens to me also, though yours sounds much worse. I still feel really guilty writing down what happens but it’s important to do it as I’m told it’s good evidence.

[Headspinning]

Another way to think about it is – who do you need to prove the abuse to? If you want to leave the relationship then you don’t need to prove to anyone that you have good reason. You know you have good reason, he knows too – whether or not he admits it.

If it’s to proceed with criminal charges then I’d say the things he has been doing are definitely breaking the law – verbally abusing you by shouting is enough, never mind the spitting and shoving. I’d agree keep a diary. Keep any texts.

But if it’s to justify to yourself that you are being abused to give yourself a reason to leave then I’d say don’t wait to gather the evidence – get out as soon as you can. Chances are if you look back through your phone messages you will have evidence anyway – I know I did and it was in some ways good to read back through some of the text arguments when I was having weak moments – they reminded me of why I left.

You sound like you are in a terrible situation – I hope you find a way out sooner rather than later xx

[Scapegoat]

Thanks everyone, is beginning to escalate even more now. Not content with being locked in the house he continues to c**p on about how horrible I am, how I’ve cheated on him, how I’m controlling. Is now stalking my workplace twitter which is open for anyone to see. Looking at names of blokes I’ve never even met because we are a multi organisation and shouting. He was at that (detail removed by moderator) years ago and you were staring at him, now I know why. He’s a loon I don’t know these men I’ve never spoken to them or met but he goes into these rates of screaming at me. Isolating me further as I daren’t come out of the bedroom. Thought he was mad but then someone phones him and he speaks so calmly it’s like I imagined it. My son( grown up) is starting to have panic attacks now because of it. He’s tried talking to him but oh just says we’re ganging up on him. Then he phones his mum and makes out he’s being ignored and is sat all alone with no one to talk but it doesn’t matter he’s used to it. My heart bleeds. Really can’t take much more, might sound petty but this goes on continually throughout day. I think I would rather risk being exposed to this virus and dying than live like this.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Scapegoat, we’ve not spoken fir a while. You don’t have to prove anything. Your relationship is toxic and you want to end it, it’s that simple. When I first spoke to WA solicitor he asked me a few questions and the answers I gave were enough for him to tell me I was being abused. You know he’s abusive, so does your son, and probably deep down so does his mother unless she’s controlling and he learned from her. Anyway I digress. The government are advertising the helplines, they know DA/DV is increasing, please don’t be afraid to reach out. There is a whole new life out there away from abuse, I know because I left. And I will never go back to him. Being honest I’ve not managed to cut all ties, but I have less and less to do with him😄
Did you ever look up going Grey rock? I was never attached to my house, always knew I’d be the one to leave. I have my own place now, but circumstances got in the way and then when I was just about to move in, lockdown happened. But I’ll deal with it and the financial implications, because I’ve no other choice, and at least I’m safe and no longer have to walk on eggshells, and have relations with him. Every cloud💞💞
IWMB

[Scapegoat]

IWMB, thank you again for your kind words. Yes I’m still doing this to myself. Went for counselling, was told I’m a victim of n**********c abuse and trauma. She tried to get me to see that I matter.unfortunately I allowed him to make me feel guilty for going. Was having panic attacks as I was stuck in traffic coming home from the sessions and being accused of cheating again. Eventually I stopped going. Work got involved again as they could see clearly something was wrong. Tried to get me to go through a MARAC as thought I was high risk, convinced them I wasn’t and felt like I was being a drama queen. And now I’m here…stuck
Another fight today after 6 solid days of put downs, accusations silent treatment and what do I do? React badly to his comments. I’m now the one feeling guilty, shameful and here in bed googling how not to react. I really don’t learn. I seem unable to get help as worried I will hurt his feelings.i feel like it’s my fault like I haven’t paid him enough attention. Concentrated on my job too much, not been cuddling him enough or paying him enough compliments. Yet the other half of me knows I deserve more, am angry I cannot do things I want to do like have friends…that sounds so sad and needy and I do have friends but he doesn’t like it. I know what I have to do and know there is no fixing it. My counsellor told me I will never fix him, never be good enough and I have to start putting me first but he makes me feel so selfish for that. Now I am stuck here due to the stupid condition I have that puts me in extremely high risk group from this poxy virus. I am worried I won’t be able to work, I will be stuck here forever. He’s rarely even nice to me any more.its like I’m in limbo. I can’t plan ahead I don’t know where to start. I feel like a needy child who needs their hand holding. I apologise for things that aren’t my fault then I’m ridiculed.
I’m glad you didn’t go back, glad you were empowered to walk away. I hope one day I find that strength to move forwards and not look back. Thank you for listening❤️

[Kikidee]

On a practical level make notes of absolutely everything and the dates/time it occurs. All of it. No matter how inconsequential it may seem at the time. Excellent stuff to submit to a solicitor but Also you may see patterns you hadn’t picked up on before

[starqueen]

It doesn’t sound petty at all and you’re not being a drama queen. What he’s doing to you is physical abuse, emotional and psychological abuse and controlling behaviour. If you can keep a diary or a log of incidents and their impact on you that might also help you show what’s happening and what it’s doing to you. I don’t know if you’ll be able to do this but I did something like a video diary on my phone when my family member was being abusive so if I needed to I could physically show people the state I was in. I know not everyone is safe to be able to do that though, so if you could write it down instead that might also help.

[Anonymous]

Hi there, just wanted to say a few things here…..I do get where you are coming from. Know the drill inside and out. Sometimes we need to drill down a bit further as to “why” we allow what we do? I liken it to a seed lie that got planted maybe a long time ago. Maybe even as a child when something traumatizing, even if it was neglect, that’s traumatizing……..but we as children, because our little minds have not developed enough to critically think well and analyze things. That doesn’t happen until we are in our 20’s soooo we can’t go there. All we know is something bad happened that affected us and we must be to blame. What did we do? What can we do better? It’s all my fault.

That as an answer to what happened, goes straight in without going through a strainer at all because “you” said it. If someone else said it, you might think twice about it but as a child – you said it and it’s an answer as to “incoming” and you know of no other answer. That information is not available to you.

So that lie goes in, gets buried. The guilt and shame that belongs to the people who did it gets put on you because you accept – it’s all your fault. You said it, must be true or they blamed you, must be true. You pack the dirt on, plant pretty flowers and off you go. Guess what? That lie isn’t alive per say but it is active like a poison. It eats life and liveliness. But undetected by you it sprouts roots and vines and starts choking out many aspects of your life.

You……know something is up, you feel it. Your whole body and brain and soul vibrate with it. Alarms sound, you know something is very very wrong but again, you blame yourself. Then if you are in a risky situation where people are not around who could be pro-you, all the worse. We self sabotage then. The truth comes up and we hammer it down. We have no skills or tools to deal with it.

But, you are older now. Your brain has developed. Not sure how dependent you are on him for your livelihood here but, he’s very toxic sweetheart. He feeds you more poison, the lies within you feed you poison and you get sicker. Time to think about the lies you have believed over time from other people early on maybe that has brought you “here”. Pulling them up by the roots is a good idea. Feels really good. Even if there’s nothing but a big empty space. So what? Better than the poison!

Look up some things online like – gaslighting, transference, triangulation, n**********c supply. Educate yourself. You are sooo hungry for it and I see that in you. Most of us just want to know TRUTH! We really really do and it’s out there. Because once YOU are educated, the wheels start turning in your favor and they pick up speed. Amazing how that happens. Lies can’t live in truth, they just can’t. And once you realize that alot of the self talk you hear in your head, really never did come from you then lightbulbs go off and the room lights UP! Darkness and lies have to flee. It’s a law.

YOU have a RIGHT to live a good life, a free one, a healthy one!!! Time to return to your original castle and kick all the squatters out and say THIS IS MY LIFE, MY CASTLE AND I AM QUEEN HERE!!! Yes? Time to disapprove. Time to break FREE! I say this all the time and it’s absolutely TRUE – YOU have enormous power and once that thing goes “click” in your head and you get that – everything inside you will stand up perfectly straight and you will find a calm you never knew before. When you say NO MORE and I mean NO MORE, it clicks. You don’t have to know how you’re going to do whatever, all you need to know is enough is enough now.

I won’t do circular reasoning, not interested in arguing, sorry but my life is No. One Priority here and sorry that you think – it’s all about you. It isn’t. Didn’t carry you for 9 months and didn’t take you to raise. Be a man. And next time I look for a man, I will look for a REAL man. Stand on your own two feet. I intend to. My favorite saying – Not my circus and Not my monkeys. Codependency is actually what we do to escape really caring for ourselves. We avoid it, avoid loving ourselves because we have believed lies about ourselves. Trouble is, deep down we know those lies are NOT true, thus the earthquakes inside, thus us not feeling well, not being happy, confused and going very dark. It’s all at odds with – what we really know is a lie. So root it out! Pull it up and out by the roots and take hostage all your thoughts and when your self critic is being really nasty just say – ummm, so WHO are YOU??? Because I don’t allow that in my house! This is MY castle! You don’t speak to ME like that. Most of the time that nasty little voice really isn’t you at all but you have believed it was. Disbelieve it. Replace it with truth. Examine your navel, accept what is yours to accept but I can promise you, most of what your nasty voice says to us is farrrr beyond all that. Very interesting when I started pulling what was said in my own head out and smacking it on the wall to examine. I was like wait a minute…….that sounds like my father talking to me or my mother, that sounds like my toxic girlfriend or boyfriend or work mate. Hm,m,m,…..what’s THAT doing in there???

Do some spring cleaning and gardening!! Be gentle with yourself my lovely. Be so very kind and gentle. This time in your life is actually a wonderful pivot point time and not to be despised. It hurts but truth is a double edged sword. It cuts and it heals all the same time. X*X

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