How do you stay away?

[FlutterShy]

Hello lovely ladies

I’m not sure whether this is the right board to post in but I need some advice. I posted a couple of years ago full of positivity about my plans to leave, yet again, with my children. Well I did leave but went back after two weeks and there I’ve been, in a living hell, ever since. I made another plan in (removed by moderator) to leave, told him so he wouldn’t just find us gone, actually made the stupid mistake of thinking he could be grown up about it and he convinced me it was the wrong thing to do and that I can’t cope with the children without him and so I stayed. It was good for a while. The thing is, he’s now started his abusive monologues in front of the children. It’s honestly like a machine gun to my brain. I know they could probably hear our voices before (his all calm and me sounding like a crazy lady) but they didn’t see me falling apart, actually hear his vile words and see him blocking my exit from rooms. Then there’s all the subtle insults, criticisms, put downs, pinches, bottom slaps etc that are just normal life.

I’m now a complete mess, feel like I’m losing my mind and my children’s behaviour is getting worse. They are obviously being affected by this environment and so we need to leave and not go back this time. For them, if not for myself. But how do you stay away? I know that I will start to miss him and how good things can be.

Thank you xx

[diymum@1]

Its a matter of taking it minite by minite day by day. Firstly understand this is most likely a trauma bond thats keeping you there stuck. So look it up learn what it is and youll read that it eases but only over time and with no contact. So youll have to look at ideas that will keep you away – stay busy – see friends family lots of nice memory making days withe the kids? Get lots of support. Have a mantra ? just tell yourself the kids must come first before him and you come first too of course! your there mum they need a fit healthy mum in order to be secure thats the bottom line. treat this like an addiction when you leave. it will be the best move youve ever made. plan it so you guys are safe.

[Empoweredhealing]

Hi there, one thing that I learn is that the abusive cycle is addictive to both the abuser and the victim. Your partner is addicted to being abusive. In the same way, you are also addicted to the intermittent reward of an abusive relationship. It’s literally built into us biologically.

That’s why most survivors take 7 attempts to leave for good. Leaving HURTS! You’ll be lonely and desperately sad. You’ll suffer from withdrawal.
But as you already know, to stay is to slowly die spiritually and emotionally.

Try to arm yourself with as much information and support as you can. In moments of weakness, I have gone back again to books, videos and supportive friends to remind me why I left in the first place. I learned that just because you missed someone, doesn’t mean you made a mistake. I can miss my ex everyday but still be grateful that he’s no longer in my life.

You can do it. Read one book, watch one YouTube channel, check in to one forum at a time. Eventually, you’ll have the knowledge and confidence to leave again. We are here for you!

[FlutterShy]

Thank you both for replying.

I think I must have a trauma bond, I’d never heard of it before, and thank you for putting a name to it diymum@1. There’s some good information available on how to break the bond and I really do have to be successful this time. Think this will be my 7th or 8th attempt at leaving.

EmpoweredHealing, “I learned that just because you missed someone, doesn’t mean you made a mistake” they’re very true words, and I’ll keep them in my mind. I am already doing things differently this time – I’m starting counselling soon and I’m not telling him. I thought I would try and put things in perspective and try and get stronger instead of leaving at rock bottom.

Have to go, he’s up

Thank you again xxxx

[Living Warrior]

hi hunni, firstly i am so sorry you are going through this.
secondly,you are a very brave lady for trying to get out and get support.

if you flick over to the thread “is it abuse” and read the post by “fleur- i think it is….”
you may see some of the advice i gave fleur, may help you too.

i stayed in my relationship from (removed by moderator) years, and iv been out 2 years now. it was the hardest thing i have ever done, but i learnt things, please read through the post, speaking with other survivors i have noticed a pattern- we cannot leave until our minds can see the distruction. untill we see for ourselves what is happening without the “blah blah blah” of these men making us doubt ourselves.
something clicks inside, we read a post, or hear a saying, and all of a sudden its like a switch, and these men cannot unflick it 🙂
good luck on your journey please keep intouch and stay safe.

[FlutterShy]

Hi, thanks for replying and wow to being out for two years. You must feel like a different person.

You’re right about the switch, mine came on when I realised he was talking to our girls in the same way he does to me when he’s displeased.

I will take a look at Fleurs post. And thank you all, we are strong women and I want to get my girls out before too much damage is done xx

[Better-days]

Hi fluttershy I have no advice for you but just want to let u know I’m in a very similar position to you when u talk about your partner it sounds like my situation. My partner is clever at not letting our son hear the half of it and when I go off on one he’s like don’t shout that’s all our son must think u do is moan!
So our son is just the happiest little man who adores my partner and his whole family I feel I could never take that from him.
But all that said a day like today my partners face is miserable
I am very close to my family my sister has txt to say she’s popping over and my nerves r shattered. All I ask is that in life my family can come into my home and I feel comfortable and not on eggshells as every time any of family s here his attitude just changes he acts rude n miserable and cheeky. I do not know why he does this it’s like it’s hightened when they r here.

Sorry for rabbling but I just want to see well done on leaving one if u done it once u can do it again xxxx

[Living Warrior]

Your welcome, I hope it helps.

Better days. My advice to you is do not let him make out you are taking youyour sons happiness away. Kids are resilient and they are happy when they are safe and loved and gave consistency. If you are unhappy, children do pick up on it.u deserve to be happy.. 🙂

[Better-days]

Thanks living warrior I needed to hear that I do feel like I would be causing upset to him but just waiting on the right time now to have the strength to go xxxx

[Cosmicasca]

It’s the trauma bond, explained brilliantly by others above, and it’s the weirdest thing I’ve ever experienced. I’m away from him now, but just now, after momentarily coming away from participating here to get something from the room, I found myself suddenly thinking about him and feeling sad he hadn’t texted recently. We stayed “friends” (guess it was safer) so we send the odd text. I realised and stopped myself thinking “What?!” So in the space of a few seconds, my brain switched from participating on this forum to acting like his abuse had never happened, and then it switched back again when I realised. That’s the trauma bond 💕 It’s lessening over time, I must say, even with contact, but it’s there and it will take time to process xx

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