How do you stop having feelings for them

[Weemebreeze]

Hi everyone,

I don’t think there are any easy answers to this one but I’m having a rubbish few days and wanted to see if anyone can relate. My ex treated me horrendously (physical, emotional and financial) plus deceit, betrayal etc. It’s been a really difficult time since I left (but getting easier and I’ve no regrets about leaving, it was the right thing) – I’ve read loads about abuse, trauma bonds etc – it’s all helped me get my head round what went on. Despite feeling so much better since I left, I just can’t shift it that I still have feelings for him. He’s with someone else and I feel jealous. Even though I know that’s crazy because I know what it’s like behind closed doors with the moods, drinking, eggshells etc. I kissed someone else for first time last week and spent the next three days feeling really low, crying and full of regret – because it wasn’t him. I look at photos from the “good” early days and I cry because I want to go back so badly – I now tell myself that that man died and the one that is alive and torturing me , is someone else. I’m just so filled with anger – that I’m here trying to process everything and make sense of so many confusing thoughts and feelings whilst he has no feeling for me whatsoever. I have nothing to do with him but these feelings aren’t going and that frightens me. How do you stop having feelings for them even when you know how bad they are? X

[Bananaboat]

I suspect you’re missing the idea of him and being in a good relationship, the company, sharing life. It doesn’t help that every tv advert at the minute is about love and families being Christmas. Don’t forget You’re going through a break up and yes it’s good you’ve got away from an abuser but it’s still natural to mourn the loss of a relationship. Which involves missing the person, be kind to yourself. Be strong x

[Darling]

I have been married to a man who was well behaved earlier and his family looked very understanding. But after marriage the very first week all showed their true colors. I noticed that my mother in law was a covert n********t who was very possessive about her son and he was totally under her control and couldn’t go against her even if she is wrong. She tried to hurt him only as months passed as she was done with me since she wanted to punish him for marrying I guess and not rejecting to be her slave forever. My life became hell due to both mother and the son. I then read about (link removed by Moderator) signs of mother son enmeshment

Trust me by reading more and more about the patterns of what’s happening me and him, I got the dare to emotionally cut him off to say the harsh facts that he hates to hear. Just wanted to help him once before letting him go for what he has done to me and my family. Somewhere events which kept happening helped him to see the reality and bring change in himself which was difficult. I am still healing from my trauma. I am staying separate from him but when he changes I would sure go for the second chance.

[healingbutterflybabe]

Hello beautiful,

Firstly, it is absolutely valid to have these feelings. Allow yourself to feel these feelings and keep writing on here. You aren’t alone! Unfortunately, I don’t think there is a time-limit on the anger / the feelings for them (good and bad) but it will get easier and less painful with time and working on your recovery and healing journey.

Just to share some solidarity, I’m not sure of the reason why, but when I kissed someone for the first time after my abusive ex it almost made me want to run back to him, it felt like I was having an affair or something insane. A lot of those feelings I realised came from fear, fear if he knew, fear of what he would do, fear if he would follow through with the threats he made if I ‘ever moved on’ but also, sadness. Sadness because although I was in an abusive relationship and he brought me a lot of irreversible pain, at some point I did love him or at least, love the person he pretended he was and for me those feelings were and still are very real.

Also it might be a signal you’re not ready to kiss someone else, and that is absolutely okay as well!

Please be very kind to yourself, it’s extremely hard to be kind to yourself in these situations but do something nice for yourself. A bubble bath with candles, a walk at sunset, yoga at sunrise, a coffee / tea with a trustworthy friend, even a massage or a fresh set of nails. BECAUSE YOU ARE WORTH IT! The love you may crave from the good memories with him, you will learn with time to give it to yourself.

Sending you the biggest hug, my promise to you is that it won’t always be this painful and with time, you will experience more ‘good’ days over ‘bad’. Lots of love angel xx

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