18th March 2019 at 12:08 pm #74416WhichWayIsUpParticipant
I never understand *how* people cope financially with splitting up. I feel really dumb for not knowing the answer to this. But; if a couple earns £2000 a month, they don’t tend to buy a house and live on only £1000 a month, so that either of them could afford it by themselves. So, together, with our joint finances, we can afford the house we live in. But how do women afford to stay in homes if the husband moves out? I can’t even tell you how stupid I feel for not knowing, but this feels like a safe place to ask!
Thanks in advance
18th March 2019 at 1:27 pm #74418KIP.Participant
Please don’t feel stupid. If you haven’t tackled this before then how would you know. Some women stay in the home with the children and their ex contributes to the household until the children become adults. Some women who work may offer to buy their exes half of the house nd take on a bigger mortgage. Your ex may have a large pension which you’re entitled to so he may keep his pension and you keep the house. There are lots of different scenarios and lots of different circumstances. A solicitor would be able to tell you what to expect in a divorce. Most offer a free initial consultation. I was lucky that a relation of mine gave my ex money to buy him out of our home so that I stayed there with our child. The next thing you can do is ask and keep asking. It’s good to know all the facts because our abusers are liars. I can tell you that I got way way more than my ex told me I was entitled to. I’m so glad I got legal advice x
18th March 2019 at 1:40 pm #74419IwantmebackParticipant
Hi you’re not stupid in asking this question. On this forum we can all absolutely anything and I mean anything. Your local WA usually have solicitors they use who are versed in DA, their first appointment is free, they will determine if you qualify for legal aid and if you want to live in the house afterwards. It’s all a bit of bartering involved. As KIP says you get the house, he gets to keep his pension or whatever the parties involved are willing to negotiate. When I separated prior to divorcing, my ex gave me so much from his pension and I said he could have the house as it was somewhere the kids knew and prevented more upheaval in their lives. I could’ve forced the sale of the house and went for half of his pension too but didn’t. I should have listened to my solicitor but didn’t want to cause any more hurt. Knowledge is power, and the more you learn the stronger you are.
18th March 2019 at 1:43 pm #74420DorisParticipant
Hi, definitely seek legal advice. My husband tells me that solicitors cost too much and that he will decide how much from his pension pot to give me each month! Really? Luckily I put some money aside when I left work a couple of years ago from the lump sum I received and I will engage a solicitor when the time comes. Proper legal advice is a must otherwise abusive partners will lie and bully if they can get away with it. Take care. X*X
18th March 2019 at 8:24 pm #74450freedomtochooseParticipant
There is really no such thing as a stupid question, especially not on this one.
For myself, I had never had any contact with a solicitor before I went on this journey. (If your marriage is happy, then why would you need to, apart from in old age making a will…).
sisters on here are right in saying there are many answers. And sometimes compromises. As in, weighing up what might be counterproductive and impact kids negatively and the future.
Perhaps it is useful to see the dynamics of a possible separation without the domestic abuse (people work together in the interests and fairly of all). Then it is important to factor the abuse in. That sounds weird, but that involves being very much aware that assets can be hidden and will be hidden and the dynamics of all that. Difficult. Difficult. Difficult.
But breaking it down and step by step and by posting here and accessing the other advice it is doable.
So many years on, we are not rich financially, but we are rich in our hearts. And this is something ex will never be. As on many levels I believe he knows what he did and tried to do.
that an answer?
19th March 2019 at 5:34 pm #74484maddogParticipant
Worrying about the finances was probably one of the things that stopped me from leaving sooner. It’s a very sensible question! Make sure you have a bank account in your own name and keep squirrelling money into it if you can. Close any joint account. Do not be ashamed of telling the bank the circumstances. Abuse is not your fault.
Your local Women’s Aid may have a financial advisor attached so it’s worth asking. Otherwise go to Citizen’s Advice and make sure you are getting all the benefits you are entitled to receive. There are so many different threads involved in securing a life after abuse. I hope you are able to tap into all the available support and leave safely and at least more secure in your future.
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