How does she tell him?

[iwillbeok]

Hi Ladies,

I’ve not been here for a while – mixed bag over the last few weeks but definitely felling stronger, will catch up on posts shorlty.

While I’m here though can I ask for some advice?

How can pre-teen daughter tell her father that she doesn’t want to see him?I think the scales have fallen from her eyes now as to the kind of person he is and she has told me repeatedly that she hates him and never wants to see him again. He is always grumpy and she feels picked on by him.

Both myself and GP have said she doesn’t have to see him if she doesn’t want to. That’s all well and good, but how does she tll him – a young, timid girl who’s self esteem is at rock-bottom facing up to a domineering controlling father who likes to lay on the guilt trips. I suspect he is also trying to setup some kind of precedent as to how much contact he gets when I go down the divorce route. He mentioned within a week or two after split that he wanted 50-50 shared care. I am, of course, NC.

It’s all very well for me to say that unless he gets court order, she doesn’t have to see him.But how does she get our if it int he meantime?

Really need to get off my butt, get out of my own way and get the legal stuff rolling – this living in limbo is doing none of us any favours. I’m just so worried about his reaction will be (not for my personal safety – he’s totally paranoid about the orders to stay away) – but about what he’ll demand, especially re children.

Thanks for listening and looking forward to any advice…

Stay strong lovlies,

iwillbeok xx

[KIP.]

Hey there, I think she is too young to tell him directly. Perhaps she could write him a letter beginning with how she feels. She doesn’t have to rubbish him, but could say that until she feels better then she would like no contact and some space, or perhaps you could find a third party who could communicate this. Whatever you do, make sure she knows that none of this is her fault and she has a right to be feel safe and loved. I also think it’s important to have the backing of your GP in case he does get nasty and tries to say you manipulated her into this. Perhaps she could add this to her letter. Just keep it brief and non confrontational. All about her wellbeing? Take 24 hours before sending. Also, maybe get a free visit with a family lawyer just to keep yourself right. It’s really dreadful when kids are involved. I don’t see much of my son now as my ex paid for him to move out and give up his good job to work for my ex in a c****y seasonal business with no prospects. It’s all about control. Controlling the kids, means controlling you. (In their minds). In my opinion the less contact she has with him the better x

[iwillbeok]

Thanks KIP,

I’m so worried for her and my son. It scares me how i imagine this playing out. My son feels responsible – ‘feels like Dad has only me now’. More resentment building between the two of them… in her depressive, self-hating state she nlocks him out and he is wounded. I’ve explained to him but he is still only as old as he is.

I hope i dont lose him too. I have already lost my vibrant, fun loving, expressive girl! To a girl who feels undervalued, and panics at the slughtest problem. We are getting counselling set up but it all takes so blessed long!

We don’t have a 3rd party – all contact has been by the 3 of them. He says jump and they go running!

Feeling so lost and powerless … again…

[Confused123]

HI HUn

Its horrible when we have kids with them and kids get stuck in between the child contact, If you say they are pre teen they dotn actually have to see them, but i get the pressure they are under. My children who were pre teen , used to switch their phone off, say they were out or busy, to be honest sometimes i would lie for them ans say they are out as they really diditn want to see their dad, yes we are put in the limelight of listenign to the abuse instead then, again i used to say i wont listen and put phone down. I would suggest your daughter just says she has another commitment and slowly reduce the amount of time spent with her dad. My ex actaully wasnt bothered about seeing his own kids and just used kids as a excuse to see me, it really is hard, maybe with a counsellor they can have suggestions made how to deal with their dad, i totally get how one child is left to feel responsible for them. My ex chose to like only one child at a time, and played them against each another, told he loved one child and hated the other, then switched it around, really does hurt the children. keep reaching out for support on here , we can all guide u in different ways in regards how we dealt with ex

[KIP.]

How about changing their phone numbers or getting a cheap old phone just for his number. Maybe arrange a time once a week where they can ring him. That way they can hang up when they want to. Like weaning them off him. Then they have a whole 7 days of not having to have contact? My ex played the victim too. I’m sure that’s the only way my son is still involved with him. My ex was arrested etc. He is the one with the criminal conviction yet my son treats me like it was all my fault. I hope he sees the truth eventually. Seems the abusers tool of Fear Obligation and Guilt (FOG) carries on with the children. I hoe the councellor is trained in domestic abuse and can explain this to them x

[iwillbeok]

Thank you both for your replies,
She texted him to say she didn’t feel like going to his. He called and she didnt answer but texted to say she didnt want to talk but was willing to text. I could just about feel her boundaries strengthening! She was so much happier despite his guilt and bribe loaded love-bombing…

I hope she feels she can build on that strength. She seemed a little more able to cope this morning – no panic attacks!

Long way to go and I expect there to be setbacks but I have hope and faith that through being open and honest with each other, that wewillbeok!!

Bless you x

[Confused123]

Hi Hun

Thats a brill idea just texting and if she has enough of texts just tellher to put phone away , she can always say bettery went flat

[Confused123]

my kids even used to blcok their dad on and off and then say never reecveived no message or miss call, cause no messages come through

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