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    • #125162
      Headspin
      Participant

      I’m curious to know how your abuser reacts to you crying after an onslaught from him. When my husband was, on occasion, so vile and accusatory for hours on end it would inevitably result in me crying. This would make him sneer and laugh at me. He would express surprise and shout at me that I was getting emotional and therefore couldn’t engage in a reasonable discussion. I would try and hold back the tears until my head was pounding to avoid further abuse. I’m sure this was so bad for me physically. Migraines and acute neck pain would ensue. I have often wondered if I’m the only one to hold back crying with such intensity. Also wondered why once he had managed to break me down would he feel the need to humiliate me further.

    • #125163
      Cantmakedecisons
      Participant

      Yes he reacted just like you described! He hated me crying but would continue to jibe me if I did. However I cried very rarely whilst I was in the relationship.. I think I’m the end I was just numb. Since leaving I cannot stop crying, everyday and several times a day. It’s as if I’ve open the flood gates and now can’t stop. X

    • #125165
      Jedi warrior
      Participant

      Hi I guess my husband has abit if a concience ..when he’s pushed me to the point of crying ..he sometimes says don’t cry .doesn’t say sorry though ..I do feel that he uses push pull tactics regularly whether intentional or not it confuses me greatly ..

      • #125334
        Ocean
        Participant

        I’m so sorry you experience this. I’m not sure if it’s conscience or tactic. Have you ever hear of Stockholm Syndrome?

    • #125169
      Secretlife
      Participant

      I’m sure when my husband reduces me to a crumbling wreak it makes him feel powerful. He never apologies. On the rare occasions I can stand up to him without getting upset, I can see this throws him completely and he then plays ‘the victim’. I sometimes pinch myself hard on my arm when he’s going on at me and I concentrate on that pain which can stop me getting upset, or I concentrate on another distraction like a ticking clock. I hope this may help you.

    • #125170
      FlutterShy
      Participant

      I get the same,so I try not to cry in front of him as it just makes things woese. He really doesn’t understand what his vile monologues do to me. I’m leaving soon and I’m crying all the time in private x

    • #125171
      Headspin
      Participant

      Seems they get off on the power of breaking us down. So the tears are just somthing else to irritate them. Hard to understand what goes through the abuser’s head.

    • #125172
      gettingtired
      Participant

      It depends. In the past he would usually console me after. Which made it so confusing because he would be the cause of my upset but then the one to make it better and cuddle me. Then I would feel great relief.
      Now I’m usually stressed and angry when he’s kicking off so I don’t often cry but when I have he has said he doesn’t care that I’m crying because I apparently don’t care about him or I’m not supportive of him xx

    • #125175
      Headspin
      Participant

      Oh yes that very occasional weird thing of consoling, yet they caused the grief in the first place. So utterly confusing.

    • #125178
      Eggshells
      Participant

      That consoling afterwards is exactly was helps trauma bonds to form.

    • #125179
      Headspin
      Participant

      All making so much sense now. They know what they’re doing

    • #125184
      3Cats
      Participant

      They shove you off a cliff… but then they’re the one to rescue you.

      It’s a total and utter mind ***k, excuse my language!

      • #125186
        gettingtired
        Participant

        I agree. This is why I absolutely couldn’t make myself leave when the chance arose recently as I was panicking and desperately just wanted to cuddle him and be consoled. Even though in reality I’ve been avoiding any physical affection with him for months because of his behaviour.
        The being thrown off a cliff only to be rescued at the bottom is so cruel x

    • #125192
      Secretlife
      Participant

      It’s all on their terms, and dependent on what mood they’re in. So cruel.

    • #125198
      Headspin
      Participant

      It’s so messed up. From the answers here, it seems that even when our abuser has made us distraught, we’ll still take the crumb of sympathy thrown to us.

    • #125234
      Silverbirch
      Participant

      Hi there, reading this thread is bringing it all back. If we knew that our words were upsetting someone, especially to the point of tears, we would stop and try to make amends. With abusers, the opposite happens. It’s worse than that. Not only do they not stop, but they act as if your natural human responses are strange or that you are trying to wind them up or you aren’t being reasonable or aren’t concerned about them or any other familiar variant. In other words, they will do whatever works best for them at the time. It’s only now that I’m starting to see the systematic and controlled nature of the abuse. I still can’t get my head around it. Thank you each for what you have posted. It all rings true with me and reminds me I haven’t imagined it all. It was only when I needed emergency heart surgery that I realised that I had to leave, because dealing with the mind games and living in terror was wreaking havoc on my physical health. We need to be aware of just how harmful these mind games are. Take care.

    • #125235
      Catjam
      Participant

      Sat here thinking about it brings a lump to my throat. In the early days when he was particularly vile he would then insist on having sex. Even if I was sobbing. But it was really rough, like I was just there for him. He actually said to me one day I was clearly ok with it all because we had sex. Especially as in those days he was physical. Pushing me about, few bruises where he pinned me to the bed.
      Then he changed tactic, he would ignore me. He would need to get his point across, I would try and defend myself by explaining I had never done whatever it was. I would then dissolve into sobs and he would just turn his back on me and ignore me. Sometimes for days. Our bedroom was a war zone. He would rarely instigate anything until we went to bed.

    • #125255
      Headspin
      Participant

      Silverbirch and catjam, your experiences are so sad. Yes our tears have absolutely no effect whatsoever, they’re an annoyance or as my husband would say a “distraction”. As if our emotions are purposely brought on by us to wind them up further. He would seriously wonder why I’d be sobbing after hours of interrogation about laundry or why I went behind his back to organise a window cleaner or why I needed my bank card. To a typically functioning person it’s impossible to understand the cruelty. Catjam, the abuse you suffered sounds horrific. Telling our stories is so cathartic.

      • #125259
        Silverbirch
        Participant

        Headspin, ‘interrogation’ says it all. When we first met I was functioning at a very high level academically. By the time I managed to get away decades later I couldn’t think straight. Huge swathes of my memory are blanked out. I couldn’t join one idea to another if he was there. It’s a gradual destruction and demolition of a person from within. It’s terrible to read about the suffering of other women and yet it’s the only thing that makes sense. We haven’t been imagining it or making it up.

    • #125261
      ISOPeace
      Participant

      The posts on this chain really highlight some of the hidden truths of abuse and the total head f**k the abusers inflict. They constantly put us in impossible positions: the cliff rescue analogy, making us cry then making things worse for us because we cried, forcing us into things then using them as “proof” that we were really ok with everything.

      In the early days my ex did the cliff rescue thing, then later he would tell me I was playing the victim so I didn’t have to take responsibility. I guess they do whatever they need to do to keep us trauma bonded to them. Even though I’ve read a lot about abuse, I still find it difficult to understand how they can justify their behaviour. My ex seems unable to grasp that I want no contact with him and I keep having to remind myself that a) he doesn’t think his behaviour towards me was unacceptable and b) he will never respect my boundaries.

    • #125321
      Rosemary
      Participant

      When my parnter gets abusive and aggressive he nows that I would cry when he seen my tears comeing down my face he would carry on geting abusive and aggressive he would get worse to the point I start to shake and get scared . Abusers know what they are doing to us it makes them happy to see us cry which is horrible. My partner gave me break downs because it got to much for me . The more my partner seen me cry the more abusive he would give me.

    • #125335
      Ocean
      Participant

      I definitely think they like the power they have over us by being able to make us cry and then seemingly get away with it when we allow them to console us.
      My ex changed over the years on how he responded too. But mainly I remember him blowing up if I cried and shouting how dare I cry as though he did something wrong. He would explain that he was the one mistreated and if anyone had a place to cry or be hurt it was him.
      Very confusing!

    • #125337
      Rosemary
      Participant

      Hello ocean when my partner made me cry he always blame things were my fault when I never said anything at all I just sat here listening to his abusive .with abusers they always blame us for doing things because they cant own up to there own behaviour it makes them feel good and a way to control us it’s just horrible how my partner use to make me cry even thoe I’ve only cried once or twice I’ve been so strong lately and he really hates it but I’ve had to show I am strong because I want him to stop being abusive and aggressive for no reason at all or for just little things which he makes in to big things

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