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How hard can it be to go for shopping.
How hard can it be to buy food for the week.
How hard can it be to cook a meal.
How hard can it be?
I’ve been really struggling for months now just doing exactly that. I find it so hard to decide on what we’re having to eat, to cook it, everything is so hard.
I took to texting him what he’d like for dinner, fine for a while, then it got to annoy him.
For God sake cant you make a simple decision. No cos i dont know if it’s the right one…pathetic isn’t it?
Im making a list jyst now, and I’ve got nothing on it, been trying for an hour to write a bl…y message list.I Hate being this helpless 🤨
IWMB 💕💕
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It’s absolutely not pathetic! I do all the cooking for my husband and that includes choosing what to make, going shopping etc. It’s unbelievably difficult! He says ‘anything is fine’ but then will pull his face if I get it wrong. It seems such a small thing but I completely get it. It’s a real energy zapper!
PMF ❤️ -
IWMB💕I’d make him something really simple then add a little itching powder for good measure ❤😉im just kidding but wanted to make you smile. I got through many days imagining mischievously how to manage my demanding ex! Anyway hugs to you hope you managed to get organised i do look what you mean 😊take care 💕💕
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Hi DIY, yup i smiled.😊😊 I usually make him soup, but he’s getting sick of that now, then something later on. With his job he gets something substantial at lunchtime, so to prevent him getting slobby decides soup is all he wants. Now he’s getting fed up with it(as i would be too)😏
Love the itching powder idea, tho it’s usually extra pepper haha.
IWMB 💕💕
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Know what you mean
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Lightbulb moment.💡 That’s what i get too,anything, or im not bothered or the face😞. even before he knows what is for dinner, it’s usually ‘what s..te am i getting tonight’. Very very rarely has he complimented what he gets, and when he has, I’m like what you after.i constantly burn pots now, dinner is never ready for him coming in due to he never tells me when he’ll be in..all i get is you know what time i finish(which i do) but sometimes he’ll stop off at a friend’s for an hour, so dinners ruined or he’ll come in on time😞
He’s recently started taking dishes in,(only since he realised how close i was to ending things with him. He says i can go anytime, if it’s finished, it’s finished, but then he starts being nicer, finishing jobs around the house, etc) but doesn’t think of doing them or putting into dishwasher. But expects recognition for this small act.
When bigger things are done about the house, he always goes on about sex. Since he’s done whatever, i better be nice to him. It’s not spoken in a threatening way as such, but it makes me feel so cheap , i now refuse to comply. He knows it upsets me, cos he’s always got that smirk on his face when he says it, when i refuse he’ll either say im no fun anymore, or hes got needs, he misses me😞
We tell our oh’s how their behaviour makes us feel but they still continue to treat us the way they do. They either arent listening to us, or are deliberately being abusive.
I wonder if abusive behaviour like verbal, manipulative, emotional, gaslighting will ever stop. 😞😞
IWMB 💕💕 -
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Wow I could have written this. Its the small things that are sometimes the worst. He will never be pleased hun. I reckon the itching powder sounds a gd idea lmao x
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Thanks ladies, I definately dont feel so helpless after reading your replies. Yes Ilikechicken, nothing pleases him. It must be so hard being so perfect all the time😏😏
Itwillbeokay, ive actually caught myself running around the living room like a headless chicken, worrying what he’s going to do our say. 😞
IWMB 💕💕 -
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It can be impossible. Why? Because any job only you ever do he can never be judged on or fail at. Because the success criteria are decided by him and they’re secret – until you ‘fail’.
Why do you think he refuses to say exactly what he wants and leaves it to you? It’s so he can have a clear field for those moving goalposts.
You’re being gaslighted by an expert. That’s why you feel you can’t decide. Looked at the other way’ which is what I did’ it’s actually very
freeing.I even said it to him! “Look, I know you’re going to moan and find fault whatever I do, so I’ve stopped wasting time trying to ease you: I’m pleasing someone who is easy to ease – myself. I’ll buy and cook the things I like and enjoy them. It’s all the same to you, so it doesn’t matter, really. ” That still works for me. I served up wedges and he said, sarcastically,” Thanks for heating these up! “ He thought they were from a bag in the freezer aisle. I told him yes, I did heat them – I Cooke them! – after I scrubbed them and cut them and mixed the oil and chosen spices and tossed them to coat them and arranged them on a baking tray and turned them. And I told him how cheap that was to do and then I ate them and said how delicious they were and he ate his all up too and he never said a word. They were x1000000 nicer than shop ones and he knew it.
Please yourself and 50% of the diners are satisfied. More if you have kids!
Flower x
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Hi @Flowerchild, he doesnt like wedges, or thick cut chips. He’s fed up with potatoes. I made a beautiful chicken casserole a while back, i mistakenly called it a stew.cos stews are made with beef. Big mistake, he wanted something with potatoes… i kid you not. There was potatoes in the b…dy meal. He’s off mince, chops, chicken, fish, you name it he’s fed up with it. but can eat chicken at lunchtime or curries. I really can’t win. He suggested soups, bought tins of the stuff, as he won’t eat homemade after one day!!! Now hes fed up with that. Says he’s out all day and would like a homemade meal to come into. I say, tell me what you fancy, ‘whatever’, ‘you choose’ is what i get. Eh i canny choose, cos whatever i choose you’ll find fault with it. I’ve always cooked fae scratch, now i dont see the point as he either says it’s Sh.te, or refuses to eat it,sometimes he does, but always has some criticism or sarcastic word to say. Ive burnt so many pots over the past year. Thank goodness they’re good ones and they clean fairly easily It’s so exhausting. Then he’ll demand i make him something later on. Ive tried the make it yourself, that causes a mood. Ive tried letting him know his behaviour is inappropriate, he then refuses to eat what i make. I’m tired of him acting like a child. At least with a child youre not afraid of any fallout😞😞
I’ve suggested relate. All i get is you go, i dont need them.
I’m so sorry fir the rant, it just gets to me sometimes😞
IWMB 💕💕 -
Ps. I didn’t even realise he was still gaslighting me 😡😡
Thought hed done with all that when he used to hide my car keys, take Money out my purse but used me being on meds to hide behind. I wish we had a secret camera to record them and then get an outsider to see them and what they do.
I know Im not blameless. I react to him. I really try not to. I just cant keep my mouth shut. But i dont manipulate him, make him feel afraid, worthless, useless.
I will leave someday, but as yet don’t know when😞IWMB 💕💕
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Hi,
As you maybe have guessed im a mischief merchant! That probably didn’t help my situation to be honest. When I found I was getting to the end of the line I stopped cooking for him altogether, I stopped doing his washing. He told me if I ever got above a size 8 he would ‘Trade me in’ so I ordered takeaway everynight and I put on three stones! not sure if anyone else has taken this approach. To be honest it was pure sabotage. He also gave me a hard time when I wanted to go out with friends. So when he went out and was late used to lock him out,all night sometimes! He did kick the door in however.
Sometimes situations drive us to do things we wouldn’t normally do. Im not particularly proud of how I acted at this time (I was quite young) and I don’t know why I behaved like that but I think maybe it kept me sane. It helped me to keep a little bit of me. The important thing is not to loose who we are in this xx best wishes to everyone 🙂 -
Hi DIY, i get the trade you in all the time. More when its about sex!! I love the mischief maker in you, bet that’s what your ex fell in love with too.
I wasnt brought up to let a man walk all over me, even tho my dad’s a bit of an ostrich he taught me that. I liked looking after him in the beginning, before he moved in and normal everyday life got in the way. Now i no longer love him cos i dont do the things i used to do.
They really are such children
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My partner moaned that I didn’t cook for him, but when I did, refused to eat it because it wasn’t good enough. So I stopped altogether. Don’t make him so much as a cup of tea now. He moans about it, but he’d do that anyway, and I hate cooking, so it feels like a positive for me 🙂
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Hi IWMB, in answer to your question it is incredibly hard to make any sort of decision as an abuse victim. Our headspace narrows with trauma making it almost impossible to think straight. To rationalise what is happening around us. I can tell you that when we are traumatised our rational thinking part of our brain completely closes down, allowing our ‘fight and flight’ mode to kick in to keep us safe. Rendering our thought process useless. That’s why it’s so very difficult to leave an abusive relationship but once you are free of the FOG, you will understand why it was so very difficult to make simple decisions. I remember the sheer anxiety of cleaning for hours to avoid an abusive episode. It never occurred to me that I was cleaning obsessively for hours each day when my abuser would simply change the goal posts. Keeping me constantly in a state of anxiety or eggshells, thus rendering my rational thought process useless. This slowly became my normal behaviour pattern. I also learned recently about the appalling toll trauma takes in our physical health. Directly linked to miscarriage, immune system problems, fibromyalgia, thyroid and the list goes on. The longer you stay, the more damage is done both mentally and physically. Your immune system cannot sustain the kind of assault trauma brings without major damage so we are storing up problems for many years in the future. My advice is to get out as quickly as possible before the final sting in the tail which is freedom which comes with long term damage.
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