This topic contains 21 replies, has 10 voices, and was last updated by  Goingmad 2 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #85552
     Goingmad 
    Participant

    I ve asked husband of almost  (detail removed by moderator)years for a divorce. Now I wonder if actually it’s not that bad. He no longer shouts threatens violence and moves the goalposts as the children are adults there is less to argue about. What I’m confused about is that never once has he apologised for his behaviour. When I’ve done something wrong I apologise and try to make up but he says that doesn’t work as I shouldn’t have done whatever in the first place and I can’t keep repairing so I just get blanked for however long he thinks. His control is mostly financial now we both work but I earn a lot less but there is no transparency of his accounts he feeds the house account to cover bills but it’s not enough if I work surely I’m allowed to spend
    some on myself. I just don’t understand why someone is less valuable because they earn less, our holidays are split 50 50 so it’s a struggle for me to go but then travelling is what I like so should I just accept this?.
    I don’t know what’s normal. Can all bad behaviour be forgiven and you only look forwards, do I have unrealistic expectations of what marriage is or should I stop whinging accept he will always control money and carry on.
    As you see I’m very confused and wonder how many chances you give a relationship before you give up and how much do you compromise.

  • #85559
     Dragon 
    Participant

    Hi there. I am fairly new to this process so I probably won’t have words of advice to offer but I can offer support. I can relate to some of the things your saying and empathise with how much they hurt. My husband doesn’t accept responsibility or apologise either and it is hard. For a start, because you have taken responsibility for your part but he hasn’t accepted any, you take all the blame. I am starting to think that with men like this it is actually counter productive to take any responsibility because once you accept in, in their eyes they are absolved of blame, they are given permission to blame you almost.
    The other issue with this is that there is no chance to ‘make up’ the situation never gets resolved so it will likely always be an issue and you are likely to harbour resentment. I am not sure if this constitutes abuse, I am still learning but it certainly does mess with your emotions and makes you feel like you’re going crazy because you start to wonder if everything is your fault. Hopefully some other ladies can advise/clarify this.
    One thing that stood out to.me in your post was that he ‘blanks you for however long he thinks’ I think this is probably classed as controlling behaviour. This isn’t normal healthy relationship stuff where you talk and resolve, he gets to decide who takes the blame (you) and how long you are punished(??) for.
    The money thing, I am in a similar situation with that too. I haven’t had a chance to talk it through eith a professional but I too am the lower earner. Because I have my ‘own’ money, I am not sure if it classes as financial abuse, again hopefully someone can clarify this, but it certainly doesn’t feel fair and in my view when you’re married the money is joint.
    Have you called Womens Aid? Or contacted your local Domestic Abuse service? It may be worth just running all this by a professional to get some clarity. Keep posting on here, it can make you feel crazy but these ladies will help you feel a bit more sane! Xx

  • #85561
     KIP. 
    Participant

    I left after a similar amount of time and I don’t regret it one bit. I’m free to do what I want. I love being single. I’d start with a solicitor and see what you’re entitled to financially. It may help make up your mind x life’s too short.

  • #85588
     Goingmad 
    Participant

    Well he’s mr nice guy now wants to know what he needs to do to make things better. My answers were I’d like to be able to see where your money goes and why less than 50% goes in the house account, I’d like to know why he you can never apologise
    The answers no way you seeing my accounts but happy to review why I’m spending so much basically he thinks the adult children living at home should pay the same as him and me and everything is divided by 4 . How then are they meant to save to leave. Yes they pay rent but if the accounts short his logic is that they should pay more.
    As for apologising if I hadn’t got him so frustrated in the first place he wouldn’t have got angry. If I hadn’t moved the furniture he would still be able to sit in that room etc he expects us to respect and can not see respect is a two way street As far as I see it he’s the puppet master and we are all on strings! Why can’t they take responsibility for the hurt the rage and see how unrealistic they are

  • #85589
     AlwaysSorry 
    Participant

    It doesn’t sound like Mr. Nice Guy – it sounds like he is still the same wanting everything his way. I don’t think he will ever take any responsibility because he likes it just how it is and it’s much easier to blame you. You should be able to voice your opinion without him getting angry – and if he does get angry, he should be able to apologise without being prompted. But the reality is he isn’t seeing himself as doing anything wrong and he likely never will see it from anyone else’s point of view. A good book to read to understand the “why’s” is Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. I’ve recently started Living With The Dominator too and it’s also very helpful.

    You are asking how many chances to give and how much to compromise. Only you can judge how many chances you wish to give this relationship, however few or however many if you are not happy, you have every right to leave the relationship. It certainly sounds very abusive but even if it wasn’t, you are not obligated to give him any chances. With regards to compromise, I am not reading any compromises in your posts. It’s his way and if he doesn’t get his way, you get punished or blamed. A compromise means sometimes doing what’s best as a whole rather than for oneself and it certainly doesn’t mean that one party gets it all their way.

    Like the ladies above have said, reach out to WA and a solicitor. WA especially can help validate your experience and talk you through your options but won’t force you to leave him.
    Keep posting on here as well x

  • #85596
     Lavenderrose 
    Participant

    He sounds just like my ex. Nothing I did was right. I always looked into his criticisms of me and tried to change myself but I was never enough. Every argument would be made about me and how I was the problem, I never had a voice. I couldn’t defend myself I was never listened to. Compromise was a word he threw around all the time but it was always me compromising about everything. I was so unhappy and worn down but I just kept telling myself it would get better and make excuses for the behaviour.
    The more I think about our finances I think that may have been financial abuse too but I can’t be sure. He was the main earner and had a separate account that he would transfer money into our joint account each month to cover rent and bills. I’d always have to remind him to do it and it was always just before things were due. I work part time and earn so very little. Mine went into my account I’ve always had, I used my money for the family and stuff for myself or if we were short. Money was always an issue for him, he would always say we couldn’t afford stuff. I never saw his other accounts. I think he kept pools of money.
    Sorry I didn’t mean to make that about me but there was a lot of comparisons. I had to leave as in the end his behaviour was escalating and becoming more frequent. I think I’m your heart you’ll know what you’re prepared to put up with xx

  • #85628
     Camel 
    Participant

    Hi Goingmad

    He no longer shouts or threatens violence because he doesn’t have to, does he? He’s put in the groundwork and you know the rules, even if they keep changing.

    Instead of giving him more chances, how about giving yourself a chance? Take travel, which you love. Trust me, I’ve had great adventures on my own without my ex spoiling everything. And the joys of managing my own money! It took a while until I stopped feeling guilty but now I think, I earned it, I’ll spend it how I like. Little things, new makeup or something nice for dinner.

    Knowledge is power and a great head-clearer. Consult a solicitor so you know where you stand. (Make sure you heed advice on how to go about this safely!) You may find that you’re financially more stable on your own. You may find that it will be a struggle for a while – but give me money worries over emotional abuse, any day!

    If you do decide to leave then your grown up children will be pushed out the nest but surely it’s time to put yourself first? They don’t have to like it but hopefully they will be supportive.

    Just a thought – If you knew how much time you had left on earth, how much of it would you give up? Waiting for things to change, for him to suddenly ‘get it’ and say sorry? Only you can answer that.

    X

  • #85633
     maddog 
    Participant

    You are doing really well Goingmad to start to recognise the reality of your relationship. Abusers don’t change. It’s as though they have a hard-wired addiction to being right. Since the behaviour appears to them to serve them well they cannot see anything wrong and of course everything is someone else’s fault. Tread carefully as you begin to disentangle your relationship and get as much external support as you can. It also helps to record any communication with your partner. When they know the game’s over they disintegrate. They become desperate for supply and will do anything to retain control.

    It’s a real eye-opener I found to realise that there is no point in trying to communicate with an abuser. They may tolerate a conversation about the weather.

  • #85643
     Goingmad 
    Participant

    Thank you it’s just scary to think you are in an abusive relationship. I’m no longer wearing my rings and it’s ok I’m scared but I don’t feet anything for him. He’s ultra calm offering me beer from his stash!! Weird! He says he’ll review the accounts and see if we could find a fairer system. If I get what I asked for ie transparency and apologies can I still leave I’ve got what I want but I don’t trust him that his savings are really for our future,
    The first time I went away with girly friends was 2 years ago and I cried the whole Car trip cos he ignored me as I was going away.i still go away and I still get blanked before I go unless of course we’ve had lots of sex to top him up while I’m away!! Sorry tmi as my daughter would say!!!

  • #85645
     EbonyRaven 
    Participant

    There is more to his abuse than financial, and his sulks when you go away probably won’t stop. The coercive sex will become more and more tiresome.

    Even if he does show you where the money goes, and I have to be honest it sounds as if he’s playing for time to move money about before he shows you a doctored statement; even if he does show you, that won’t change the other controlling behaviours.

    Will the apologies actually be real? Or will they be more manipulation?

    You can still leave. He could give you roses and diamonds now with sprinkles on, but your truth will still remain. The fact that you deserve a life without any form of abuse will always be a fact. You won’t get that with him no matter what he pretends. He’s hidden things from you and abused you. You are absolutely allowed to realise that you don’t want to live in that any longer, no matter what he does now.

  • #86725
     Goingmad 
    Participant

    Why does he do that?
    A great read and maybe I’m not mad! and it’s him Recommend it absolutely.
    Saw I finally saw a solicitor to start divorce proceedings he’all get the letter (detail removed by moderator)! I have written down his favourite put downs in block capitals on a page I carry everywhere and when my commitment wavers and maybe I think it’s not that bad really and it’ll be ok I remind myself and focus on another step for. Yep I’m terrified but I have beds lined up in various friends houses, all the children know and are ok so another deep breath and another step forward! It could go either way complete husband melt down or he’ll be relieved I have no idea but I’m preparing for a storm. This could be a new way to lose weight always a silver lining!!

  • #86728
     KIP. 
    Participant

    This is the most dangerous time for you. Once he realises he can’t change your mind he will show his true colours. It won’t work Living under the same roof with him. It’s dangerous. Mine went from being mr reasonable (while emptying the joint bank account behind my back) to threatening and eventually violence. Try to get copies of anything you can to do with finances. And get a bag of important documents like passport, marriage licence etc. Get in touch with women’s aid for support too. You could go t a refuge for a while of you need to. Never ever underestimate him x

  • #86988
     Goingmad 
    Participant

    Yep he knows I’m leaving and he is devestated and has no idea where this has come from. I feel calm and peaceful and now wonder if I’m a heartless cow and that he really has no idea. I re read my notes on all the s**t and stand firm. One amazing thing is though I feel like I’ve freed a whole family suddenly my grown children are looking at new options in housing and different work
    Hubby is still ultra calm have I got all this wrong ? can’t go back now I think the shock is still settling in so only time will tell!

  • #86990
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Be very careful. My ex threw all sorts at me from calmness to violence. From begging to blaming. All designed to find my weak link. There wasn’t one so he violently assaulted me. He’s losing control and he won’t like that. Any behaviour isn’t genuine and is designed to regain control.

  • #87238
     Goingmad 
    Participant

    S**t
    This is scary stuff, I can cope with Mr Angry and I expected it but MrSuperNice is worse! I keep waiting for the bomb b to go off but it hasn’t
    I get loving texts, flowers, help round the house, met from work, he’s helping the children, etc
    Argh so stressful so hard to hang on to why I am leaving!!

  • #87243
     Yellowflower 
    Participant

    It’s just another tactic designed to make you question yourself! Please please remember he is just playing a game he knows why you want to leave now so his trying to play the perfect partner. If this was the real him why hasn’t he always been this way? He can see you getting stronger something he never thought would happen and his panicking. Trust your gut it won’t last xx

  • #87247
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Leave well in advance of when he thinks you’re leaving. Don’t tell him. Get in touch with women’s aid for a safe exit plan. It really is a dangerous time for you. Mr Nice never lasts. I think they live in denial when they just don’t think you will follow through with leaving. They think they have controlled us for so long that they’re confident they can change our minds. Watch his game. See how he tries to manipulate with good deeds. These good deeds are what a healthy, giving, two way relationship looks like. He gets no brownie points for this. Yet we give them credit. Twisted manipulation and thought pattern x

  • #87250
     Goingmad 
    Participant

    I can’t go permanently until we have a financial settlement so that the house can be sold.
    Im keeping busy and focused and do a lot of meditation which keeps me calm!

    I know this game won’t last and he’ll move on to a different one, thank you I just need reminding to stay focused!!

  • #87252
     KIP. 
    Participant

    There are always options. He won’t agree to anything. You will have to slog it out potentially for years to come. Try to get enough evidence for an occupation order to have him removed from the property. This will greatly speed up the process. And you will be running the show. Be very careful because he can also apply for one. I’d get in there first. My ex tried to make me and my son homeless via courts. If I hadn’t had help and fought tooth and nail, he would have succeeded. It’s shocking just how little he actually cares about you and his children and when he loses control, nothing is off limits. Stay focused but also make moves in the right direction. Know your rights. Know what you’re entitled to. And never ever underestimate him. The idea is if he can take absolutely everything from you, especially the things you care about most, children, home, finances. That leaves you vulnerable and needing him. In his mind, this is how he keeps control x it’s also a great way to punish you for daring to stand up to him. They simply do not think the way we do. Have a look at some narcissistic abuse videos. Trauma bonding. Gaslighting. Cognitive dissonance. Knowledge Is Power x

  • #87475
     Camel 
    Participant

    Hi Goingmad

    I have to agree with others that this is a most dangerous time for you. I understand that you don’t feel threatened but I would be playing safe rather than sorry. No one is scaremongering or being dramatic. Sadly it’s a fact that even non-violent abusers often inflict harm once their partner attempts to leave. This is because all other tactics have failed to work and violence is the ultimate method of control. Try to remember that all the time you are sharing space he will be working on you and your resolve and trying to get ahead of the game. Because it’s always a game to abusers and they always play to win.

    With the texts and flowers and meeting you from work he is actually tightening his grip on you. Try not to think of these things as him ‘getting better’ of being ‘sorry’. He isn’t and he’s not.

    KIP is absolutely right that there are always options. Speak to a solicitor and get a formal date of separation. (I read this on another post so I don’t know much about this, sorry.) Then contact your mortgage provider, bank etc and let them know what’s happening. Please speak to WA and get advise on how to make a safe exit. Can you do this now, before he gets the divorce papers?

    Stay vigilant and safe x

  • #87479
     Copperflame 
    Participant

    Well I’ve been unfortunate enough to have been involved with two abusers and I gave them both numerous chances. The sad thing is we have been conditioned to put their needs first and often don’t even recognise that we have needs as well. Or that our needs and feelings are just as important as theirs.

    I think it’s important to prioritise your own feelings. Abuse can make you feel unhappy, depressed, fearful, worthless, frustrated, full of self-doubt, mistrustful and lonely. I’ve never yet met a woman who was happy in an abusive relationship because there’s always a sense that something is not right, even if you don’t realise that what’s happening is abuse.

    I stayed with my first abuser for much longer than he deserved. I think this was because it had been drummed into me from an early age that you don’t walk out on a marriage but you try to make it work. So I felt that being unhappy wasn’t a good enough reason to end a marriage. It was only when he had an affair that I felt I had good reason to end it. Similarly I stayed with my second abuser for way too long and put up with repeated betrayals before my mental health became so bad that I knew I had to leave to save my sanity.

    What I can say is that I have never regretted leaving either relationship. It has not always been easy and sometimes I’ve felt lonely, but at least I’m free to live as I want, eat what I want, spend what I want, invite who I want and be my own person.

    As for unhappiness, we only have one life and I’m sure that the older you get the faster time flies. Life’s too short to spend it with someone who mistreats you.
    xx

  • #87713
     Goingmad 
    Participant

    Well he’s still Mr nice guy though the odd c***k appears like I’m not worthy to keep my name!!w*f
    I’m still standing firm! Funny I didn’t realise I could be so calm and tough, he’s now in the disappointed phase and walks around shaking his head in disbelief! Apparently I’ve got what I want yet again and I’ve destroyed the entire family but he’s not shouting this, he can’t cope with the fact that I’m standing firm and not budging I don’t that think he’s ever seen me in warrior mode!! I’ve been in this relationship for half my life and I’m not doing it anymore! And I don’t need to justify myself to anyone as it’s far too hard to explain. Sorry just thought I’d say that out loud!

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