12th August 2019 at 3:11 pm #85552
I ve asked husband of almost (detail removed by moderator)years for a divorce. Now I wonder if actually it’s not that bad. He no longer shouts threatens violence and moves the goalposts as the children are adults there is less to argue about. What I’m confused about is that never once has he apologised for his behaviour. When I’ve done something wrong I apologise and try to make up but he says that doesn’t work as I shouldn’t have done whatever in the first place and I can’t keep repairing so I just get blanked for however long he thinks. His control is mostly financial now we both work but I earn a lot less but there is no transparency of his accounts he feeds the house account to cover bills but it’s not enough if I work surely I’m allowed to spend
some on myself. I just don’t understand why someone is less valuable because they earn less, our holidays are split 50 50 so it’s a struggle for me to go but then travelling is what I like so should I just accept this?.
I don’t know what’s normal. Can all bad behaviour be forgiven and you only look forwards, do I have unrealistic expectations of what marriage is or should I stop whinging accept he will always control money and carry on.
As you see I’m very confused and wonder how many chances you give a relationship before you give up and how much do you compromise.
12th August 2019 at 5:33 pm #85559DragonParticipant
Hi there. I am fairly new to this process so I probably won’t have words of advice to offer but I can offer support. I can relate to some of the things your saying and empathise with how much they hurt. My husband doesn’t accept responsibility or apologise either and it is hard. For a start, because you have taken responsibility for your part but he hasn’t accepted any, you take all the blame. I am starting to think that with men like this it is actually counter productive to take any responsibility because once you accept in, in their eyes they are absolved of blame, they are given permission to blame you almost.
The other issue with this is that there is no chance to ‘make up’ the situation never gets resolved so it will likely always be an issue and you are likely to harbour resentment. I am not sure if this constitutes abuse, I am still learning but it certainly does mess with your emotions and makes you feel like you’re going crazy because you start to wonder if everything is your fault. Hopefully some other ladies can advise/clarify this.
One thing that stood out to.me in your post was that he ‘blanks you for however long he thinks’ I think this is probably classed as controlling behaviour. This isn’t normal healthy relationship stuff where you talk and resolve, he gets to decide who takes the blame (you) and how long you are punished(??) for.
The money thing, I am in a similar situation with that too. I haven’t had a chance to talk it through eith a professional but I too am the lower earner. Because I have my ‘own’ money, I am not sure if it classes as financial abuse, again hopefully someone can clarify this, but it certainly doesn’t feel fair and in my view when you’re married the money is joint.
Have you called Womens Aid? Or contacted your local Domestic Abuse service? It may be worth just running all this by a professional to get some clarity. Keep posting on here, it can make you feel crazy but these ladies will help you feel a bit more sane! Xx
12th August 2019 at 6:35 pm #85561KIP.Participant
I left after a similar amount of time and I don’t regret it one bit. I’m free to do what I want. I love being single. I’d start with a solicitor and see what you’re entitled to financially. It may help make up your mind x life’s too short.
13th August 2019 at 9:46 am #85588
Well he’s mr nice guy now wants to know what he needs to do to make things better. My answers were I’d like to be able to see where your money goes and why less than 50% goes in the house account, I’d like to know why he you can never apologise
The answers no way you seeing my accounts but happy to review why I’m spending so much basically he thinks the adult children living at home should pay the same as him and me and everything is divided by 4 . How then are they meant to save to leave. Yes they pay rent but if the accounts short his logic is that they should pay more.
As for apologising if I hadn’t got him so frustrated in the first place he wouldn’t have got angry. If I hadn’t moved the furniture he would still be able to sit in that room etc he expects us to respect and can not see respect is a two way street As far as I see it he’s the puppet master and we are all on strings! Why can’t they take responsibility for the hurt the rage and see how unrealistic they are
13th August 2019 at 9:56 am #85589AlwaysSorryParticipant
It doesn’t sound like Mr. Nice Guy – it sounds like he is still the same wanting everything his way. I don’t think he will ever take any responsibility because he likes it just how it is and it’s much easier to blame you. You should be able to voice your opinion without him getting angry – and if he does get angry, he should be able to apologise without being prompted. But the reality is he isn’t seeing himself as doing anything wrong and he likely never will see it from anyone else’s point of view. A good book to read to understand the “why’s” is Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. I’ve recently started Living With The Dominator too and it’s also very helpful.
You are asking how many chances to give and how much to compromise. Only you can judge how many chances you wish to give this relationship, however few or however many if you are not happy, you have every right to leave the relationship. It certainly sounds very abusive but even if it wasn’t, you are not obligated to give him any chances. With regards to compromise, I am not reading any compromises in your posts. It’s his way and if he doesn’t get his way, you get punished or blamed. A compromise means sometimes doing what’s best as a whole rather than for oneself and it certainly doesn’t mean that one party gets it all their way.
Like the ladies above have said, reach out to WA and a solicitor. WA especially can help validate your experience and talk you through your options but won’t force you to leave him.
Keep posting on here as well x
13th August 2019 at 11:55 am #85596LavenderroseParticipant
He sounds just like my ex. Nothing I did was right. I always looked into his criticisms of me and tried to change myself but I was never enough. Every argument would be made about me and how I was the problem, I never had a voice. I couldn’t defend myself I was never listened to. Compromise was a word he threw around all the time but it was always me compromising about everything. I was so unhappy and worn down but I just kept telling myself it would get better and make excuses for the behaviour.
The more I think about our finances I think that may have been financial abuse too but I can’t be sure. He was the main earner and had a separate account that he would transfer money into our joint account each month to cover rent and bills. I’d always have to remind him to do it and it was always just before things were due. I work part time and earn so very little. Mine went into my account I’ve always had, I used my money for the family and stuff for myself or if we were short. Money was always an issue for him, he would always say we couldn’t afford stuff. I never saw his other accounts. I think he kept pools of money.
Sorry I didn’t mean to make that about me but there was a lot of comparisons. I had to leave as in the end his behaviour was escalating and becoming more frequent. I think I’m your heart you’ll know what you’re prepared to put up with xx
13th August 2019 at 11:17 pm #85628CamelParticipant
He no longer shouts or threatens violence because he doesn’t have to, does he? He’s put in the groundwork and you know the rules, even if they keep changing.
Instead of giving him more chances, how about giving yourself a chance? Take travel, which you love. Trust me, I’ve had great adventures on my own without my ex spoiling everything. And the joys of managing my own money! It took a while until I stopped feeling guilty but now I think, I earned it, I’ll spend it how I like. Little things, new makeup or something nice for dinner.
Knowledge is power and a great head-clearer. Consult a solicitor so you know where you stand. (Make sure you heed advice on how to go about this safely!) You may find that you’re financially more stable on your own. You may find that it will be a struggle for a while – but give me money worries over emotional abuse, any day!
If you do decide to leave then your grown up children will be pushed out the nest but surely it’s time to put yourself first? They don’t have to like it but hopefully they will be supportive.
Just a thought – If you knew how much time you had left on earth, how much of it would you give up? Waiting for things to change, for him to suddenly ‘get it’ and say sorry? Only you can answer that.
14th August 2019 at 4:38 am #85633maddogParticipant
You are doing really well Goingmad to start to recognise the reality of your relationship. Abusers don’t change. It’s as though they have a hard-wired addiction to being right. Since the behaviour appears to them to serve them well they cannot see anything wrong and of course everything is someone else’s fault. Tread carefully as you begin to disentangle your relationship and get as much external support as you can. It also helps to record any communication with your partner. When they know the game’s over they disintegrate. They become desperate for supply and will do anything to retain control.
It’s a real eye-opener I found to realise that there is no point in trying to communicate with an abuser. They may tolerate a conversation about the weather.
14th August 2019 at 9:50 am #85643
Thank you it’s just scary to think you are in an abusive relationship. I’m no longer wearing my rings and it’s ok I’m scared but I don’t feet anything for him. He’s ultra calm offering me beer from his stash!! Weird! He says he’ll review the accounts and see if we could find a fairer system. If I get what I asked for ie transparency and apologies can I still leave I’ve got what I want but I don’t trust him that his savings are really for our future,
The first time I went away with girly friends was 2 years ago and I cried the whole Car trip cos he ignored me as I was going away.i still go away and I still get blanked before I go unless of course we’ve had lots of sex to top him up while I’m away!! Sorry tmi as my daughter would say!!!
14th August 2019 at 10:38 am #85645EbonyRavenParticipant
There is more to his abuse than financial, and his sulks when you go away probably won’t stop. The coercive sex will become more and more tiresome.
Even if he does show you where the money goes, and I have to be honest it sounds as if he’s playing for time to move money about before he shows you a doctored statement; even if he does show you, that won’t change the other controlling behaviours.
Will the apologies actually be real? Or will they be more manipulation?
You can still leave. He could give you roses and diamonds now with sprinkles on, but your truth will still remain. The fact that you deserve a life without any form of abuse will always be a fact. You won’t get that with him no matter what he pretends. He’s hidden things from you and abused you. You are absolutely allowed to realise that you don’t want to live in that any longer, no matter what he does now.
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