How many times have you thought about it

[Chocolatebunnie]

How many times have you thought about or actually left?

I’ve tried, he wouldn’t leave me alone, even when he visited the kids and froze me out he wouldn’t leave me alone, I gave in in the end.

I feel weak, I know things aren’t right. They could be better. Then I think it could be worse. So I avoid the pain of preparing to leave and continue with what I’m used to.

Is this familiar to you?

Things are ok then they’re not. We are having couples therapy, therapist loves him. Says we probably don’t need therapy. If I bring up problems I feel like I’m attacking him. He tells therapist I’m great, but at home, sometimes I’m obviously not, I annoy him.

He puts porn on in bed I don’t want to watch it, don’t feel comfortable with him anymore. He knows how I feel but still jokes putting it on.

Sex is pretty much the only way to keep things going, things happy and it’s nice to be close to someone. Once that’s put aside he doesn’t show affection, he gropes rather than cuddles, slaps my bum, or he’s moody and makes jokes behind my back when I’m feeling down.

He is always right, doesn’t listen to me he’s on his phone, but he also often says no that’s rubbish it’s like this. He won’t except or listen to my reasoning. Which frustrates me and he shuts me down.

I don’t want to carry on like this forever and have given up reaching out for help. I feel like I’m overreacting, nobody sees him like I do. But I want something better, happier, stable, loving, kind, and constant. And then he is for a bit and I’m happy, and then I’m not because it’s changed again.

[KIP.]

Hi there. Couples therapy is never recommend by women’s aid for the reasons you talk about. How he manipulates the therapy and will use it against you. Try therapy on your own with a fully trained and experienced domestic abuse counsellor or contact your local women’s aid. Read Living With The Dominator and google the cycle of abuse. Living a life where you’re controlled and unhappy and unfulfilled can lead to depression which traps us further. Even without his controlling harmful behaviour the bottom line is you’re not happy in this relationship and having sex to keep the peace is what I did for decades. To answer your question I thought about leaving hundred of times over the relationship and tried dozens but he was always there with his love bombing or threats or emotional blackmail. Try to find some good domestic abuse counselling but don’t tell him but definitely contact your local women’s aid. It was impossible for me to escape without their help x

[fizzylem]

Sounds like the therapist isn’t experienced enough or hasn’t got to the root of the problems yet as she doesn’t have enough information? Has fallen for his charm? Assumes you just need to get talking openly to one another. It sounds like you are all coming from very different places, he wants to play it down, appear the good husband with the difficult wife, you feel he’s dismissive and won’t talk about the issues or take on any personal responsibilty – which is why you feel unhappy as it is due to this and his behaviour, which is what he’s continuing to do in the therapy now isn’t it. Interesting projection he made when he says you are not like this at home – tells us he is fully aware he is not like this at home, an experienced therapist would pick this up, maybe she has? Maybe she’s still info gathering at this stage?

I’d be tempted to say exactly how you see things and how you feel in the next session with her support but only as long as you feel safe to do so, but would this also mean you would be punished later? That you have embarrassed him? If so then it’s never going to work is it, because you feel you can’t be open and honest, any and all therapies require the person or couple to be open and honest otherwise it simply won’t work.

It’s absolutely ok to want more from a partner, to want all the things you have you written, to not settle for this x

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