How much do I tell children?

[Kitkat44]

So I’m still here but have a place to go. Just can’t figure out how to get across to my children how them coming with me is about safety and a necessity without and all down to their dads (emotional) abuse towards me without saying too much? I guess I’m asking how much they need to know.
After his behaviour and reaction towards me when I said I felt I needed to leave (which yes I know is always the wrong thing to do) the benefit is that the slither of hope I had that deep down he is a good man was totally smashed! I felt so calm as he spewed every text book hook at me and watched as he realised guilt wasn’t sticking, rage (whispering vile things and swearing so the children didn’t hear), blame wasn’t sticking, despair, suggesting I need psychological help, he cannot possibly see this is all him but I cannot trash him to our children. They love him and can decide that for themselves.
So I want to get (detail removed by moderator) out. He has been physically abusive to one of our children in the past – but they think he’s better now.
Thank you
Xx

[Eggshells]

This is a really difficult one. It’s really down to your individual children.

You could start with “Dad isn’t better now but he has been focusing his anger on Mum out of sight and earshot of them. You all need to leave for their safety and yours.”

My kids were both late teens when I told them. They both understood he was abusive – they’d lived with him and seen it despite him trying to hide it. (They were far more perceptive than I’d given them credit for).

I gave them the option to decide how much they wanted to know. Neither of them wanted to know anything at first. Then one decided he wanted to know everything, the other has kept with his original decision.

Ultimately, this is a very personal and individual thing.

I would recommend that you tell the school though.

[Kitkat44]

Thanks eggshells, I have been in touch it’s school alot this week and we had early help involved over the summer and DA in the home is in her assessment. Husband knows this but not that school know.
I have been told by school if one of our sons doesn’t come with me it will be raised as a safeguarding concern because of a previous disclosure from me. I just want to get away causing as little upset and worry for the children as possible he got me to stay because if I leave he’ll ask his mum to come and help and you know the apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree. The child will not want that. Xx

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