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    • #18942
      betterdays
      Participant

      Will I ever come to terms with the fact that i lived with a man nearly 2 decades who never loved me lied to me and told me wgat I wanted to hear. I’m in disbelief x

    • #18946
      godschild
      Participant

      Its hard to accept, mine is over 4 decades, we do not see it , they hook us in and we don’t see the reality x

    • #18951

      i’m sorry to hear you feeling like that Bdays, i feel the same it is painful isn’t it. X (sometimes I think that I loved him and that makes me a normal person, capable of loving someone & able to love again, wheras i’m not sure if he is able to love someone)

    • #18956
      Serenity
      Participant

      Pity them, that their whole life is just one exhausting charade of pretending to fit in and be normal, and that they won’t ever know the joy of giving and of true connection with another human being.

      They are to be pitied. However, they are also monsters.

      • #18968

        Serenity, I agree, they make me feel like there is no hope for them…
        But at the same time I constantly wonder how they become who they are. Is it the way their brains are wired, or their upbringing, their early adult life, what is it? This question keeps haunting me, I just can’t work it out.
        It frustrates me, infuriates me, makes me despair anything could ever be better, if only they understood.
        It makes me feel crazy, powerless, desperate.
        I know I have to accept the facts for what they are. Easier said than done.
        The way Betterdays feels, we all feel. We wasted years feeding our abusers commonsense, emotions, empathy etc while they sucked us dry of our dignity, our energy, time, years, efforts, life and self esteem.
        I feel almost doomed to a death of myself, I burry the person I should have been able to be because of my husband. My best years are gone. He stole my life, my hopes and my drive. Hope is all I have left, the hope that I can make a better life out of what’s left, or I have to finish my last years with this alien, pretending.
        Sad. I understand the meaning between Betterdays’s words. All that recognition of the lies, the pretence, it makes you feel robbed of your own life. It leaves you defeated, cheated, powerless, extremely sad. Anger flares up in her words, deep anger. Anger is also a soul destroyer.
        But somehow growing out of such a horrendous situation as domestic abuse MUST lead us to a powerful unstoppable growth. We must rediscover ourselves and cherrish life again. We are survivors, the definition of which is rich, profound, complex and unfathomable for those who never went through this ordeal. It makes us a type of person ready to help others, challenge stereotypical attitudes and we are the soldiers of a war against a form of crime.
        We are victims, survivors and constructors of a different society.
        I rage inside so often I inflict upon myself more harm than good. Betterdays voices that rage.
        But so long as there is hope, it is good to voice that rage to allow a necessary vocalisation, and beyond that point, there WILL be a reconstruction. I keep hoping for mine, and everyone else’s.

    • #18971
      Falling Skys
      Participant

      Hi BD

      I just come to realise just I don’t know what its like to be loved and I can’t stop crying.

      FS xx

    • #18973
      Serenity
      Participant

      Oh FS,

      You are such a wonderful lady.

      I think when we begin to set healthy boundaries, we attract the right kind of people.

      I keep thinking of those women who need to undergo mutilation due to their culture, who are denied access to education, whose culture instructs them to turn a blind eye to their husband’s infidelities, or to suffer domestic abuse silently.

      There is so much to be done to protect people.

      You are very much valued on this forum X

    • #18975
      Serenity
      Participant

      Better Days.

      I completely understand how you feel. I keep trying to push such feelings away.

      Can I ask you to write a list ( if you want to?)?

      Can you list 10 things you have gained since he’s gone? Or things you will be able to do in the future because he’s gone?

      Here’s my list:

      1) Much more peace in the house.

      2) The chance to create my own house rules and moral standards.

      3) Being able to work in peace- not being bombarded with his texts or worried about what chaos or hurt he’s causing at home in protest.

      4) Never having to swallow my hurt ever again with him to placate him.

      5) Being in charge of my own finances and buying my kids what I want.

      6) Not having to listen to his insults and put downs.

      7) Not having to have his hands all over me
      Or listen to his veiled threats to have an affair.

      8) Being free to do what I want with my 24 hours and doing what I love without him ridiculing it. Having the time and strength to go running.

      9) Dealing with the kids in my own way.

      10)Resting when I need to. Not being worked like a horse. Only having to deal with kids- not demanding him.

    • #18977
      Serenity
      Participant

      What I can do in the future nowhe isn’t around:

      1) Raise my kids how I want

      2) Find time to write

      3) Find time to exercise

      4) Do my job well ( he tried to wreck my performance)

      5) Save

      6) Travel

      7) find someone kind- a real man- one day.

      8) Engage in charity and community works ( he was too jealous to let me engage fully)

      9) Take a further course

      10) Sleep properly! ( he never let me).

    • #18983
      SaharaD
      Participant

      I’m reading this on my phone on my air bed under my duvet feeling chilly and exhausted with the punters from one of the two pubs next door making lots of noise due to football.

      I cant get the boiler to work. My feet hurt. I have no fridge freezer or washing machine or curtains.

      This is probably one of the happiest moments in my life!

      Cause he’s not here and I have grown so much in the last (deetail removed by moderator) years and I did it all on my own!

      So I’m getting over him for sure.

    • #19001
      Confused123
      Participant

      HI HUn

      Yes u will hun, learn to love yourself and you will learn the true value of u , it doesn’t matter if we have a guy to love us , we have to love ourselves first.

      The one thing I think we forget is how god damm strong we are

      Sahara- so happy for u sweetie,,good on u for appreciating the little things or what actually is the biggest thing : PEACE

      Serinty – My angel in disguise who is a lot stronger than u give credit to yourself

      F skys – Lovely & Strong to, u will get through this too

      B Jones – Hang in there hun, I can see a new stronger in u

      H archive & Godschild – U got there in end that’s what matters

      Believe me ladies when time is right someone will come into our lives and if they don’t well we have each another . Lol guys chat to me and I have this inner voice saying what exactly is he enjoying about your company , who knows but point is we have to build our self esteem again and we will ladies

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