how things have changes

[Nova]

Hi Ladies…I feel like I’m moving forward and stuck at the same time! Strange finding, that some habits of mine from being with him …are still very much present and I find it difficult to drop…learned behaviours, and ways of thinking…that are not me or my ways…I struggle with this. Its deep!

I’ve been away from the ex over (detail removed by Moderator) now, the yearning for him has dwindled…the fog has lifted somewhat.. though I can still ponder on ‘the good times’…I’m realistic and know that its been majorly a waste of over (detail removed by Moderator) of my life, I noticed some of the red flags of abuse, though washed over them with next day excuses, placating …the usual cycle.. and mainly more support for him. My needs aspirations, goals physically practically and emotionally set aside, big time.

Although I have the property issue to tie up the loose ends, the after effect is dramatic, of having to rebuild my life, the enormity of it…sometimes is quite overwhelming. Don’t get me wrong, it was the best move to end the ‘relationship’ though its a sweet & bitter experience …we all share the sadness and happiness of it…obviously to get clean away from a weird controlling surreal existence is absolute priority..though being in that craziness, leaves its mark and its not like a switch that can be turned on/off.
I have moved forward quite a bit, over the hurdles of being alone, dealing with the aftershock, trying to get my head round what happened, friends family, triggers, lonely and emotional times..picking myself up…determined not to ‘give in’..

…however I am finding big steps more difficult. Life feels unstable and uncertain..Its like the aftermath the behaviours he’s left behind, are still around me….I know some will say its better than it was, agreed…but it still leaves me being forced to start again, missed professional opportunities, different doors being now closed to me that weren’t a decade ago..its much more difficult to pick up from pre the ex. I see the positives(& I’m doing a lot to try to create new opportunities) its more about the legacy of that relationship, for me..confidence, heightened irritability, I’m more intolerant of people and their troubles,(usually a good listener) I cant be in groups of people, I’m more introverted,less open, de motivated, unless I push myself to achieve, uncertain, feeling insecure I guess…just a internal struggle…I suppose these things take time, but I want to push ahead and retrieve my self my life and my energy that was snatched away from me. its just not that easy to do..is it?
Cx

[Serenity]

Hi Cuppa,

I know what you mean. The abuse really did take its toll, and it’s not easy to eradicate the effects overnight. The trauma does linger. Happy moments where you feel joyful and free exist alongside moments where you still feel in shock, and depleted.

I think we need to accept all of those different feelings.

I can completely sympathise with your feelings of not coping being around people so well. But to me, that seems understandable. You’re under reconstruction, and need to have the peace and space to do this, to regenerate, heal and focus on yourself. Don’t feel guilty about this. That is the old ‘people-pleaser’ self-critical voice rearing its head! You can only give out as much as you have. You’ve been through a lot, and it’s logical that you need time to separate off. Think of it as a retreat time, or ‘dessert time’ where you need to distance yourself from the busy world in order to regain your strength.

But in terms of feeling stuck: I’ve just posted on the forum on the same general heading as your post, outlining some helpful advice which I’ve just found amongst my paperwork. It outlines how to set goals for yourself, and says how to plan small steps which will lead to a greater achievement, and to also be very patient with yourself and to not loose hope if you experience setbacks.

It might not always seem that you’ve made progress, but in reality you have. You’ve survived the worst abuse: that in itself is no mean feat. You might still be under construction, but you’re still standing and he didn’t succeed in his attempts to destroy you! x

[Nova]

Thanks Serenity…I like that ‘under construction’ …Work in progress…I think it’s because when one leaves it’s full on mega etc…Then the dust settles and I can reflect…Not just fire fighting mode…More deep & meaningful mode. It’s looking in the mirror time…The part where we focus on us and try to walk a different path. In different shoes, time to put down the crazy frenzy of an abusive relationship..Try to engage in ‘normality’ which is tougher than it’s sounds isn’t it?! I’m so ingrained with defense being on my guard, hyper alert hi/lows total drama…Real life is so very odd at times..I’m conditioned to being his way.. as well as being good…Takes getting used to. I don’t trust anybody or anything I’m sick of taking bleep, I don’t want confrontation or to be angry…Just try to get me back..put me first seems impossible!
The person I was …At least a version of her!

Thanks for listening
Cx

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