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How do you get rid of the guilty feeling and stick to boundaries. I have been split from my ex (removed by moderator) months he got a new gf (removed by moderator) later but didn’t tell me, kept saying he was changing and would prove it to me etc, this isnt the first time he’s done this . Fast forward I found out about new gf couple of weeks ago and he said he stuck doesn’t want her wants us etc. Bought me (removed by moderator) at the weekend when he told me he was going away with his gf but didn’t want too. He been there a few days and contact been minimal odd message saying he can’t stop thinking of me, wants his old life etc. So I sent a message saying I’m packing the remainder of his things and just want child contact. Got all the … my heads a mess I’m pretending to be happy on holiday and sort my head out if I want to find someone else then fine go nothing I can say will change that (i dont want to find someone else just want to heal and learn ro be alone). So I felt guilty apologised and said about how I felt and now back to been ignored. I have tried to set boundaries since day 1 about kids meeting new partners when we have contact etc but it just gets broken. I have tried removing social media but told I’m punishing him. I just feel I’m been pushed back to square 1 every time.
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Hi ImFeelinglost,
I’m sorry to hear what you have been going through. Please know there are services you can start to engage with that will do all they can to help.
You have no need to place any guilty feeling upon yourself. As long as you try and ‘reason’ with your ex-partner, he will try and emotionally manipulate you and keep you in a state of uncertainty. You have every right to set boundaries as you feel necessary, as this will benefit well-being for you and your children.
A good place to start to get help is your local domestic abuse service. You can explain all that has been happening for you and what help you feel you need. They are a free service, so use them on-going as you need. They can offer both emotional and practical help.
Rights of Women are a voluntary organisation offering free, confidential legal advice on matters including family law, domestic abuse, children and child contact issues. Their Family law advice line can advise around domestic abuse; divorce, finances, cohabitation and property in relationship breakdown; parental responsibility and child arrangements; lesbian parenting. They are available on 0207 251 6577 (Tues-Thurs 7-9pm and Fri 12-2pm). They also have a line for women in London on 020 76-8 1137 (Mon 10am-12pm and 2-4pm, Tues-Weds 2-4pm, Thurs 10am-12pm and 2-4pm).
The National Association of Contact Centres offers advice on child contact centres. They are available on 0115 948 4557 or contact@naccc.org.uk (Mon-Fri 9am-1pm). Their website has a search function to find local centres: http://www.naccc.org.uk
The Coram Children’s Legal Centre provide free legal resources with advice and information on all aspects of family, child and education law, including relationship breakdown; parental disputes, duties of children’s services; child protection. They can be contacted on 0300 330 5480 (8am-6pm, Mon-Fri).
I hope this is useful to you. Keep posting here as the other women here know what you are going through and can offer more support.
Lisa
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I know how you feel – I left my ex and the guilt ate me up so much that if it wasn’t for the help and support from my local woman’s aid, solicitor and family I would have gone back and been stuck in the rut.
Mine too kept saying he’d changed and I was the one missing out, kept telling me he wanted me back etc all the while he was lining up his next girlfriend to intimidate me into begging him to take me back – I never did.
He went through mutual friends to ask me to give him another try but to his gf, her friends, family he was slagging me off to the hills – that much so the gf has driven at me in his car, her daughter pulling faces and rude gestures at me when she sees me.
He is still saying he’s not happy with her but remains with her 🤷🏻♀️
My best advice and you’ll probably have Ben told this already stop contact, making arrangements with the kids if possible do through a 3rd party – keep your chin up and let him continue on his deluded mission.
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How do you stop contact, it takes me so much power to try and not message and just keep my self occupied but I’m stuck with that glimmer that he might change and I know its stupid, but she showed up this morning saying he had told her he was done etc but there not and I try hard not to care and think ill be happier him out my life but then I think well can he,can I forgive it all again and don’t know why I can’t just drop contact ignore him and on
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Hello Imfeelinglost
You could remove yourself from social media as a start. Ignore your ex when he says you’re ‘punishing him’ whatever that means.
Did I read you right that his latest girlfriend came to your house to tell you they were off? This is seriously screwed up. No wonder you’re finding it so hard to keep your boundaries.
It’ll be easier once you’re not getting updates on all his daily dramas.
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At the start I followed what my solicitor and woman’s aid told me and blocked his number on phone, WhatsApp and on messenger, I removed myself from Facebook for a while too.I thought he was starting to change so unblocked his number on messenger and phone but continued with WhatsApp- he was fine for a while but then he started messaging one minute nice next ranting and raving. He then joined Instagram started liking all my pictures, trying to add me then messaging me on Instagram. I then had to make the hard decision to block h8m again and that’s how he’s remained for a few years now. He does try and get people to message me and I have now started blocking them and I have blocked several of his family so he has limited contact to me these days.
It’s so hard at the start but you do get there, just a step at a time.
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Hi Imfeelinglost,
How to be free will come in the shape and form that you decide you want it to be. Social Media is a personal choice for all of us, it is not a requirement or necessity to have it. We can control our settings, who we have as friends, who can see what we post etc, and we can choose to disengage from it for a while too.
Your ex is not in a place to make a good partner to anyone, not only is he lying to you and his current girlfriend, he is lying to himself. He’s got unresolved issues that he thinks can be solved by having a woman in his life, but all he’s going to do is bring down every woman he gets involved with. Until he realises this and does some work on himself he’s doomed to a life of misery and failed relationships.
If you don’t want to be with him stick to your guns. Tell your friends and family you don’t want him back and you’re not interested in what he says, does or who he dates.
He’s telling you he wants his ‘old life’ back? Well, you know what that ‘old life’ is like don’t you? Do you want to go back to that? Then he’s telling you that if you want to move on and meet someone else you can?! How nice and considerate of him! You don’t need his permission or consent – you’re separated. The fact that you don’t want to meet anyone else at the moment is beside the point, you don’t have to justify that to him.
With regards to boundaries about meeting new partners? That’s something we have no control over. There are some things they do in their private life when they have the children that is not within our control to dictate. Our children meet people of the opposite sex all the time in different environments and think nothing of it. As long as the people our ex brings in to our children’s lives treat our children well that’s all that matters. I fully get that introducing lots of new ‘girlfriends’ is not great as our children can get attached to people who then disappear from their lives, but we cannot command that our ex does not introduce the children to a new woman until ‘x’ amount of time has passed. We certainly would not have them dictate to us when it’s suitable for us to introduce our children to someone else (even though I know they absolutely try to!) It’s a control thing to try and prevent us from moving on. I think for both parties, it’s a fear that a new person is going to be introduced in to their lives that will replace ‘us’ and could be referred to as ‘your new mummy’ or ‘your new daddy’. Things will be easier for you if you can accept the things you cannot have control over.
I remember I drove myself mad one night when I realised my ex had taken our son to stay overnight at his new gf’s house. Until we separated our son had only ever spent time with us or with grandparents. He had a night time routine and I mistakenly believed that our son should remain in his routine and not be allowed to sleep at another house. It was a huge thing to me and upset me very much, but I look back now and I realise it was because I was scared of the change and the changes to come. My ex has had several more wives and girlfriends since we separated and our son has got to know them all. All of them treated him okay and he liked them, and he actually wasn’t that bothered when they were replaced with a new one.
You can get through this. Put your acceptable boundaries back in place and be as pro-active about prioritising YOUR NEW FUTURE as you once were about trying to save that abusive relationship.
xx
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