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    • #148158
      Confusedyetclear
      Participant

      I am lost today so incredibly lost.
      Very early pregnant. I am not from an ethnic minority in UK however my partner is and wondered if ladies with alternative perspectives could help me. I worry I am not seeing things from all angles.
      My partner is from (detail removed by Moderator). I am pregnant and already I know I am worried about silly things that to me are huge… Needing to get baby a passport and hide it… Needing to ensure that I haveeyes in the back of my head incase he leaves with baby which he has joked about. As a woman it is apparently my place to support and raise baby alone and as a man he is able to visit when and as he pleases whilst he has a second Life elsewhere.
      As a woman if I fall victim to depression he said he will take the baby. As a man he only wants the child as it makes him more of a man to have another child
      There is support offered for the baby in terms of financial but no family vibe or upbringing and considering me are a couple this has blown my mind.
      I feel like an incubator and he is very keen for his other life to be involved in my baby’s life which makes me feel very very uncomfortable. Is this culture or is this abuse.? I feel silly in saying if someone of my culture said this to me I would feel it was wrong yet I justify it if he has been raised differently.
      His parenting is harsh and his discipline makes me cringe where as I am an emotional person and encourage emotions. I want my baby to be human and not devoid of how he feels
      On paper everything is in favour to not have my baby to avoid this carnage and yet I love this little being inside of me so much.
      He already has a child in the secret Life he hid and he is very much involved as and when he pleases.
      Whatwl do you ladies think ? Is it culture and I’m not tough enough to handle it or is it abuse.
      Xx

    • #148170
      Mellow
      Blocked

      Yes it happens in some cultures but yes it’s abuse read Lundy Bancroft book why does he do that! it explains how black cultures it’s seen as more acceptable but it’s still abuse.
      Please hide passport don’t let him apply I had to hide mine he was planning to take mine abroad without me.i think he has a hidden double life too I found things I shouldn’t which shows he may have been trying to pregnant someone when I didn’t have any boy children.they just want to look like family men they are not they are evil abusive men who are not brought up well by their mothers.beware of the family be very aware don’t get too close they may try make decisions for you!especially mothers they will be in on it.speaking from experience.don’t have that baby involved in the other life it will kill your emotions you need to get out this relationship!find a refuge and go .speaking from experience.this is heading for failure and reeks of abuse.these men are not brought up with morals and respect boy child (detail removed by Moderator) are taught to treat women like slaves and baby bearers.
      You need to think about this baby if you must keep the baby your best interest is to flee.he will try take the baby .do not put that man on the birth certificate or you will put yourself in danger

    • #148171
      Mellow
      Blocked

      Please private message me I’m very concerned

    • #148172
      Mellow
      Blocked

      It’s not ok to have a second life it’s polygamy in England it is illegal you can only have one wife he is bringing his moral and disrespect to this country

    • #148173
      Mellow
      Blocked

      He’s using you for children this happened to me they don’t love them they just want for status symbol it will get worse you will be put through hell the child is there to trap you . (detail removed by Moderator)

    • #148176
      Mellow
      Blocked

      And trust me him saying it’s a joke it’s nothing to joke about mine kept hold of passport took himself to other country and said he is going to bring the kids back things like that you do not joke about I told the police and hid passport even if he says joke he is not joking they know they can do it that is why they are saying it.U.K. government won’t save your child man has rights to go take child

    • #148179
      Eggshells
      Participant

      Oh honey, this is horrendous for you. It is abuse, whether it’s cultural or not is beside the point. Cultural abuse is still abuse and it shouldn’t be happening to any women anywhere in the world.

      The things that you are worrying about are not silly, they are huge and very understandable given the circumstances.

      It sounds like you are considering abortion? This is an option but if your heart is telling you not to abort, please don’t. My ex forced me into an abortion I didn’t want. Decades on and after some very difficult counselling, I still mourne the loss of my baby. I feel guilty and full of regret. It doesn’t plague me every day like it did for the first 10 years but I still think about how old my baby would be now, what they would look like and be like. I still cry for what I did to them. Looking back, I did have a choice but I just couldn’t see it. I could have kept my baby and left, taking my existing children with me. It’s what I should have done but I didn’t think I was strong enough to raise 3 children alone.

      I have since left me ex and what I know now is that I am so much stronger and so much happier and more energetic without him than with him. I could have raised my 3 kids and we’d all have had much happier lives without him in it.

      Being a single Mum isn’t easy but being a single Mum with the additional burdens of an abusive partner is even harder. You say that you love your baby already. That is normal and healthy. My guess is that you’ll be an incredible Mum.

      To keep yourself and your baby safe though, it sounds like you are going to have to leave him. I know it’s not that easy – it took me decades but it is the best thing. Don’t allow your baby to be brought up in a culture where women are just breeding machines. Get your child clear away from anyone who will teach them that abusive behaviour is normal and OK.

      As Mellow has very wisely suggested, don’t put your abusers name on the birth certificate. Move away and don’t let him know where you are going. Don’t tell him when you have had the baby, especially as you need to avoid him trying to register the birth before you are able.

      Come off social media so he can’t track you that way.

      You can do this honey. xx

      • #148187
        Confusedyetclear
        Participant

        Hi eggshells. I am so sorry you went through what you have. It is so easy for me to say this but you done what you thought was right at the time and … Although I get you wonder if it could have gone better than you expected if you had not terminated, there was also the huge possibility that it could have gone much worse than anticipated if you hadn’t.
        It seems like abuse is hard enough and the thought of me not being strong enough to keep my baby safe makes me feel it’s quite selfish of me to proceed and just imagine that all will work out. It feels like such a massive gamble and I am not actually very mentally strong at all. He would be quite happy if I was suffering and he could then take the baby for his secret Life to raise my child which just feels so wrong. I stupidly imagined that if I was ill he would care for us all…. But then I guess that was never his intention otherwise he would have told me about the secret Life from day one.
        I get so angry at myself that I convince and gaslight myself into thinking I’m shallow becuase I cant understand his mindset and cultural beliefs but it’s so true what you say that culture or not it still equates to abuse. I am so thankful I do not live with him
        Thank you and sending you huge hugs

    • #148196
      Eggshells
      Participant

      Aww. Thanks for your kind words.

      Thinking about your baby and doing what you feel is best is the mark of a strong woman, not a weak one.

      Your local area should have pregnancy crisis counselling to help you with the decision making process. Whatever decision you come to, I feel sure that the ladies on the forum will do their best to support you. If you ever feel like you’d like to pm me please do. It’s a horrible decision to have to try and make.

      You are not shallow. Non of us can understand the mindset of an abuser. We can educate ourselves and learn how they think but to really understand something so alien as an abusive mindset is really difficult. I’ve learnt loads about abuse but I’m still baffled by how someone can knowingly behave like that.

    • #169305
      Welo@123
      Participant

      Please I am also lost and stress… I am have crying my eyes out simply because I want the best for my (detail removed by moderator) daughter and I. Am I selfish? I am confused please I need help and advice

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