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I went to see one with my now ex. It became apparent that he was abusive. I told her that I had spoken to the police and that WA were involved. She insisted on seeing us together despite my reservations. Another issue arose, and she blanked it and made excuses. Instead she proceeded to protect my then husband. It was horrible. When I spoke to her about my concerns she slipped into therapy mode and offered me an appointment. I am still reeling. I don’t think this woman should say that she can cope with domestic abuse, PTSD and couples.
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Dear Maddog
What come across so clearly is your amazing strength in managing this so well.
It can be so dangerous, as had you not had the strength and clarity you have you could have been coerced back into even higher levels of abuse. I don’t think I would have managed as well as you have!
It’s going on everywhere, and counsellors are ms liking a lot of money out of survivors increased risk and suffering. It’s so important an issue to raise here.
I hope you do find the strength to report them for this, and the more women that do the better shape the service will be in.
It’s harder than it should be to find a real counsellor (that does understand abuse, and the reasons women can’t leave and go back)
I would recommend calling a few to check out what they have to say about those things specifically.
Really hoping you find someone to help soon.
Warmest wishes
TS -
Thank you all for your responses. I spoke to my counsellor about it and she said that it was normal to have a contract between a couple no matter what and that it could be seen as taking sides to speak to one separately. That old chestnut. Her actions in her response to this other issue could very easily be seen as taking sides. She started making excuses for his behaviour instead of tackling it. There was no room for me. She also said that we were doing very well. Basically by paying her through the nose.
I am feeling angry about a lot of things.
Although I may be wrong, I refused a grotty little estate agent entry to my home as the last time he came he was rude, and I am only recently rid of a hideous abusive man and I don’t like being triggered. Victory!!! Sadly I am stuck with said grotty agent as my ex thinks he’s wonderful. Why I don’t know. So far he has failed in every way. I will leave this with the agency to sort out. The boss employs vulnerable older women. They deserve better.
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She’s looking at you and victim blaming so often people do this, even counsellors do but that is sheer ignorance! So instead of looking at him as the abuser they find it easier dealing with it by looking it as in ‘so why does she let him treat her like that?)they don’t understand the dynamics used in abuse and also this is entrenched (victim blaming) in society xx it’s really c**p but it’s everywhere like the song Delila the Welsh Rugby team sing this and it’s about forgiving a man for killing his wife because she cheated? OK these people are scewed you my friend are not 😊ðŸ‘💪💕
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This happened to me as well, I didn’t go back, I felt she was siding with him, no suprise he did go back for some more of that, as we had paid for another session at the first, as this was how they ran things. Felt utterly let down tbh, but on reflection, I can see I was long past willing to try and fix things, I was almost out.
UKCP and BACP are the main two bodies. You should be able to put her name into the ‘find a therapist’ section on BACP, see if it comes up, think you can do it by area on UKCP. The body and code of ethics she adheres to should be published somewhere on the paperwork or their site really. Could you speak with the centre manager?
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Yep, I went to couples counselling too, more years ago than I care to remember. Yep, the counsellor sided completely with husband who came across as reasonable. I, on the other hand, was an emotional wreck and was in a total confused fog so did not put my case across very well. Said counsellor concluded after two sessions that we should spend more time together which suited husband fine as he was trying to curtail the little social life I had left and this validated my isolation. DA did not enter the Counsellor’s head. We only went twice as he said it was too expensive and I guess it had served his purpose by then. In his book, Why Does He Do That, Lundy Bancroft specifically warns AGAINST couples counselling where domestic abuse is concerned for the very reason that it simply assists the abuser. This kind of makes sense because it is the abuser who must change his/her thinking and value system unconditionally rather than the couple improving their relationship which is at the heart of couples counselling. We went to R****e and I have heard other DA survivors who have had very bad experiences there. BTW my husband has suggested we go to couples counselling again. I think not. Take care everyone. X*X
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I spent many years going round and round in circles like a mouse on a wheel with couples counselling. My ex only got so far, then round again over the same story. Yes, therapists sided with him without a shadow of a doubt. The last counsellor we saw is a member of BACP. The therapist he saw alone was the same. Eventually he said she was no good. Perhaps she had him rumbled. He then went on to see someone else who worked with sex offenders. None of the people he saw on his own improved his behaviour in any way. In fact they probably made him worse by allowing him to justify it.
I believe they may have provided him with information and words to call me. (detail removed by Moderator)
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