How to deal with abusers who question your mental state and capabilities.

[Escaped not free]

My mother and ex husband are never done telling me how I’m psychotic and unstable because I’ve asked not to have aggressive outburst from him and horrible nasty venom for not feeling, looking, acting or thinking in any way she doesn’t sanction. I’ve kept them at arms length as far as possible. My counsellor recently said thank god they aren’t getting together because that would be frightening. Well they have. They are going behind my back with my kids, causing huge upset and anxiety and if I object in any way then they hold it up as more proof of my mental instability. They respect zero boundaries and show zero respect. Has anyone had this torture of being portrayed as a crazy person? I’m always asking my friends to sanity check why I feel something and each time they are horrified by what they are doing. The (detail removed by moderator)have got together in a smear campaign that is frightening and I don’t know if I’m strong enough to fight them. I actually don’t know how. Any advice would be appreciated.

[White Rose]

Yes I had that. I started to believe it too!
Trust your instincts and friends.
I actually ended up with my GP discussing if i was really as crazy as he said I was when mine threatened to report me to social services for neglect of our daughter, told her school I was seriously mentally I’ll (they were so confused!! ) and then threatened to tell my employer the same.
My GP said I was sane but stressed!
Is this affecting your children, adding to the abuse they’ve already witnessed/experienced? If so phoning helpline for advice might be a good idea. Also let their schools know things are a bit more disturbed as it might be affecting behaviour or work.Sounds as if you have a right pair there! Can you go no contact or reduce contact it use a third party to take messages about child arrangements? maybe counsellor will have ideas?
Keep on being totally ice like and calm when dealing with him don’t rise to the bait and then rant and scream afterwards in private – it helps! x

[danicali]

it’s so very common for an abuser, and his “assistants” (eg new partner, family, or in your case, in law), to make you out to be mentally unstable or crazy. it’s one of the “tried and tested” tactics they use – and it often works in that an abuser will push, push, push, push, push until you snap – then as soon as you react, they report you as crazy and exaggerate what you said or did (eg one outburst in anger apparently makes you a chronic l*****c who is a danger to herself and kids)… rubbish, all of it

i so believe that these men all read the same abuser’s guide – chapter 1: make her out to be insane… were it not so excruciating it would be laughable… and again, why third parties don’t see right through this nonsense is a larger question we need to be asking

how about we make our own guide? start by saying that if he goes for custody, he’s probably an abuser. if he makes you out to be insane, he’s definitely an abuser…

it is far easier to people to believe that a woman is crazy (when she’s not), then a man is abusive. why is that? with the amount of abusive men out there, why is that???

all you can do is try to switch off to the pair of them. try to detach yourself. because if you continue to let them get to you, that’s not good all around. do not try to defend yourself to them, do not reply, disengage entirely.

i still remember being made to ask my own GP for a letter stating that I was not in fact crazy. I still remember his face when I asked him… he just couldn’t believe I was made to provide this to the courts at my ex’s demand.. so it was one very humiliating thing I had to go through. one of millions x

[Escaped not free]

Thank you ladies. I’m just worn out seriously by it. I contacted my mother to tell her I wouldn’t accept certain treatment or certain things being said about me to my children and invited her to let me know when she wanted to see them for tea or whatever. I explained my youngest would rather not stay over but could visit. Because I put in boundaries she has not been in touch again since. Which was fine. Kids were fine and I had some peace. Their father never wants to see them and tries to get out of having them constantly whilst telling the world I don’t allow him to see his kids as much as he’s like….something my mother knows he does. So they have got together and told the kids that because mummy is nasty and won’t let them see my mother the only way they can fix it is for daddy to leave them there. My daughter didn’t want to stay with her, asked her father not to and he told her its mummy’s fault because she is not nice to her grandmother and she should feel sorry for her grandmother. She made her sleep in the dark with no background noise…which she hates, makes her terrified, apparently didn’t ask anything about how she was or what she had been up to. This whole thing has been done to get to me, whilst making me out to be the bad person. My daughter was so upset, said daddy was going to make her go again to stay and she didn’t want to. i don’t know how to protect her from this. If she was happy if ignore it. But she acts towards her like she did to me a lot of the time and it will be worse if she thinks I have no control over it. How do I protect her from this. I grew up being told I was a selfish wee b***h all my life, difficult if I had a single need that wasn’t about her. I was robbed of my childhood looking after her and her needs and my daughter can’t articulate yet why she feels she isn’t happy with her but I know what is done. I know that any feelings are intolerable to my mother. I know that she guilt trips and manipulates to get her own way. I have always tried to be the opposite of what I had as a mother. Now the man who she encouraged me to marry because she thought it looked good, the man who got his claws into me (detail removed by moderator)then controlled my every move, while she told me I was selfish for wanting anything else. The two of them have got together and are validating each other in how difficult and unreasonable and irrational I am. My mother has never, will never acknowledge any of the things she did to me or my brother and sister, she gets full of rage or you are cut off and told “you always did like to make things very dramatic” if you hint that any of her crazy outbursts ever happened. My teenage friends would be horrified by the outbursts, especially given I did nothing to deserve them. Yet now I’m supposed to allow that to be done to my daughter? It’s beyond messed up. I can’t afford any more legal battles. The last lot with him have left me with nothing and still at his mercy. I don’t see how anyone can help. I just feel I need to protect her. X

[Herindoors]

HI. I am not sure if this is possible in your current set up. You said your ex is not interested in seeing the children? However he leaves them with your mother instead? Your mother is clearly an abuser so can you go no contact with her and not allow her to see the children? So that’s one toxic influence out of your childrens lives. You are then left with the ex – but without being able to leave the kids at your mothers maybe his visits will drop off and then the second toxic influence is gone..?
I have one member of my family I simply no longer see because they are so toxic and I keep my remaining parent at a very long arms length. I feel no guilt about this because life is short and I am going to spend it around people who are good for me – no those who want to hurt me.
Good luck xx

[Escaped not free]

Thank you, yes I’d happily go no contact with my mother and will do from now on but the problem is now my ex husband and her have joined forces, both declaring me psychotic and when he picks up the children he is dropping them off with her. I work when he has them. I can’t just deny him access. I don’t know how to stop this. My daughter has told him she doesn’t want to go but he makes her anyway. Then he stays at his girlfriends. I don’t know how to stop it. My daughter is so upset. She hates staying there because my mother is unpleasant to her if she’s with her more than an hour or two. My mother is doing this to get at me and he’s doing it because he doesn’t care where his kids are as long as it’s not with him. The kids want to see their dad not be dumped at my mothers and told not to tell me. It’s so bad. X

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