How to deal with the silent treatment?

[Endlessloop]

Even though I should have got used to this after years, it destroys me every time. It always happens after I try and get my point across after he feels wronged (often), and can last for days and days…like I’m invisible. When I try and break the silence – with attempts at a civil conversation on why the incident/row/misunderstanding happened I’m met with how if I don’t like it I can f**k off, and how he’s sick of bulls**t and that I’ll never change etc etc. Then I’m reduced to tears and then finally he may relent and then we just get back to normal. It’s happening more often now as I stand up to him but I still can’t deal with it in a way that makes me feel comfortable afterwards. I’m left feeling uneasy and that things are unresolved. He feels entirely justified to act that war and never discuss it again. If I try I’m causing ‘problems’ again. I’m so sad. Is this abuse? Help.

[iliketea]

Yes, I get the same, Ive had an IDVA since last year, and yes, this is definitely abuse. Have you read Why does he do that? – also look at the book list post thats here – lots of good books that will help you to identify and realise. It took me a long time. And to be honest its really only since lockdown when so many other women have been posting the same stories, the same words, things their partners say, that Ive realised, yes, it definitely is abuse, and thats after a GP, school, IDVA and 4 solicitors have confirmed it is. Stay strong, try and get as informed as is possible and then decide what you want to do. Its exhausting. The support here is the best, the kindest and the most insightful. Post lots, ask questions. Sending a virtual hug. Stay strong. x

[Endlessloop]

In the middle of a silent cycle I feel so anxious and like I’m nothing. And it makes me feel just as bad as him if I also give him cold shoulder – but if I say morning or anything I just get a glare, so demeaning.

Any advice on how to break the silence without having boundaries trampled all over time and time again? In the middle of it I feel like I could leave and he’d never say another word to me again. Am I worth that little?

[KIP.]

Google the cycle of abuse. The cycles get less and less until it’s just abuse. He knows how hurtful this is for you so that’s why he does it. You’re headspace is taken up dealing with ways to handle his abuse rather than working out why you’re staying in an abusive relationship. It doesn’t matter what you do, he will simply change the goal posts and abuse you about something else. He knows what he’s doing and he enjoys it. Ring the national domestic abuse helpline. You are anxious because you know what’s coming next. More abuse. Have you tried completely ignoring him back. Get on with your own life and ignore him. Build a support network round you. Talk to friends and family.

[Endlessloop]

Thank you for your replies. I try to a certain degree to get on with things but after a few days it feels so icy and cold. And then weirdly I feel like Im being just as toxic. I find it difficult to cook just for myself and child…I feel petty yet should remember I’ve just been called an awful name . And now I’m lockdown there is no ‘life’ to be getting on with. It’s like a lockdown within a lockdown.

[Endlessloop]

And also unless I end up trying to fix it, after a while I get ranted at that this is an such an awful relationship and how do I expect him to be in a relationship like this…even tho he started the silence. It’s actually madness.

[Kitkat44]

Hi Endless
Just wanted to say, I’ve been there too. Sometimes a total silence sometimes a one answer reply. And I used to sulk back but then would be the one to snap and look like the unreasonable one. Now I just carry on and do a lot of deep breathing to stay calm and polite but it is exhausting and stressful.
Sending hugs
Xx

[KIP.]

Your own life can include reading, spending time with your little one, podcasts or tv video, arts and crafts, doing a free online course. There’s lots to be doing to build your own life. But you’ve kind of answered your own question. Abusing you like this is also child abuse so you need to think about your child too. They need a happy healthy mum. They learn from parents and they will pick up on your anxiety and his aggression. He won’t change, he chooses to abuse you because he enjoys it. Ring the national domestic abuse helpline or there is a chatline on here. Abuse always gets worse so that another reason to get out of this relationship. It’s not just your welfare now it’s your child’s. Keep a secret journal of his behaviour and talk to your GP. You can also speak to the domestic abuse police unit about your concerns. Abuse thrives on silence. Do you have anyone you can go to for help?

[Camel]

Hi Endless

Imagine asking the question ‘how do I learn to put up with the beatings?’

Non-physical abuse can be just as harmful – silent treatment, sulking, verbal aggression and so on. You’ve been driving yourself crazy trying to find ways of reacting and dealing with what is, without doubt, his abuse of you.

You really do deserve better.

Sending a big hug x

[diymum@1]

Firstly In his minds eye he has to be the one in control. When you stand up to him he’s thinking how dare you. You obey or ur punished. That’s how these lousy men think. His thinking is actually quite medieval! Like many abusive men 😯🤨his attitude is the problem his belief system is the problem your not the problem. If he was thinking in a healthy rational way he would allow you to have an opinion as an equal. Call womens aid in the time you have when he’s ignoring u make a plan. With help and support you can get out of this safely. The silence can be very intimidating because u don’t know what’s next xx I suppose these men operate with veiled threats to keep us in our place. Never blame urself or feel it’s your fault if you look at this from the outside inwards he is scewed not you 💕❤️

[Catjam]

Hi, I have suffered years of this. I would do anything to get him to talk. We once spent an entire (detail removed by Moderator) holiday with him not speaking because our daughter got her (detail removed by Moderator) and he had said no but she did it anyway. Anyway a couple of years ago I had enough. I was tired of waiting for it to happen, tired of waiting for it to end so I changed how I reacted. I still cooked for him but only if I was eating too, woke him in the mornings but instead of going to bed when he did I stayed up. The first time i did it was awful. I would spend time in other parts of the house doing what I wanted.Then when he finally snapped out of it and wanted me to spend the day with him I refused.
So he no longer does that now, he then went through a stage of withdrawing affection so still spoke to me but would lay in bed with his back to me so again I started doing the same.
I guess I took some power back, he sulks and pouts now and does withdraw but only for short periods now. I now watch as he does it to our youngest. Apparently he is trying because I threatened to leave because of it but he isnt really. Any excuse to go back to it and he has.They are determined to cause pain at any cost.
It is soul destroying and I told him it made me ill and when I asked him how that made him feel he didnt understand the question!!
Stay strong xx

[Anonymous]

It’s no way to live, is it ladies? Running around with the snot rag, bed pan, food on a tray and getting the treatment if we don’t do it right. Hm,m,m…..why oh why do we keep expecting a different result? We must secretly sincerely believe we have strong magical powers because we do keep hitting that granite boulder with our wand thinking any minute it’s going to move for us or turn into a lovely garden. Guess we need to return to our spell book and do some reading….. OR…

I prefer to just chuck it all in the bin and set fire to it. What doesn’t work for us, should go there. Did I take you to raise? No. Did it say anywhere on anything that when I joined up with you, I must take your abuse, your silent treatment, be your wet nurse, support you financially, give you sex when you want it and how you want it, be your pin cushion, your scapegoat and the object of your disdain 24/7? Must have been in the very very fine print somewhere because I know for certain, I would not have signed up for that garbage!!

It’s okay to say – wow, this is what you thought “we” were supposed to be, eh? Well, think again Bozo. You’re not my monkey and this isn’t my circus. I might have been stunned for a bit but I am totally capable of not wanting to do this dance anymore. Of not doing this dance anymore. Wipe your own nose, your own backside, but you are a huge obstacle for my own wellbeing and happiness so you’re a toad and you are never going to be my prince. Throwing away this stupid wand thing.

[Wiseafter]

Hi all, I relate to the silent treatment posting. It gave me goosebumps that I am not alone and others have had similar experiences.

I am new to the forum so hello and thanks so much for being there.

I experienced over (detail removed by Moderator) months of silent treatment recently during lockdown after a minor disagreement (detail removed by Moderator). After (detail removed by Moderator) weeks, I apologised even though I’d done nothing wrong. After (detail removed by Moderator) weeks, I pleaded and lost my temper, only for him accuse me (in front of my son) of violent behaviour. After (detail removed by Moderator) weeks I asked him if he was trying to destroy me. By then, he had stopped leaving the bedroom (or bed on most days), he stopped looking after his personal care and stopped eating – losing weight rapidly. I realised that we were in a very dark place. When I tried to talk to him, he recorded me, telling me he had a psychiatrist, a doctor and lawyer on the phone. That I was threatening him. That everyone could see I was a bad person, that I wasn’t taking care of him, that he was a victim of domestic abuse, that he was going to get a court order to remain in the house (I own it). He lied to my sons saying I had sent him angry, violent text messages. It was very shocking, scary and intimidating. I got quite ill and had to have a biopsy. I didn’t sleep or have an appetite. The strain was immense. I found a place of calm in each day and began to read and learn about manipulation, control, gas lighting and abusive behaviour. What I read seemed to describe my own experiences. Finally, I called the DA helpline to be told, yes, it was abuse, serious abuse and, after sharing other past incidents and details, including a recent instance of physical abuse, I had to face that I have been subject to abusive behaviour from my partner for over (detail removed by Moderator) years and that, despite what he told me over and over again, I WASN’T RESPONSIBLE. I WASN’T TO BLAME. IT WASN’T MY FAULT. To hear someone tell me I should consider getting the police involved was terrifying but I was out of my depth so that is what I did. Along they came and calmly asked him to leave. He confirmed he had somewhere else to go (I had no idea of this) so he left. All his stuff is still here, so much of a shared life but he is coming when I am out to pack it and ship it.

I think the hardest thing is the raw sadness I feel on coming to terms with the fact that the person who was meant to have my best interests at heart has caused me so much pain and shown no remorse. The conflicted feelings of missing him terribly with the knowledge that he was my abuser. I’m not angry and I don’t feel bitter. I don’t know what I expected, but right now I am grieving and terribly sad but I know it will pass because all things do. All pain goes eventually and out of it comes joy. Joy and pain – sunshine and rain.

[Anonymous]

Hi MintySkinty and Welcome! Ahhh yes, but you have to grieve here, you do…. Mostly you are grieving who you thought he was, not who he really is. And we have to forgive ourselves here because we believed their charm but guess what? They are soo good at it and of course he had a place to go… See, that’s the thing, they always have someone waiting in the wings and we mistakenly assume that we are the only one they do it to but most likely, that’s not the case. They groom someone when they know the gig is up or going there with someone else. Sometimes more than one. At any rate, the smart ones, always have an out. I assume he’s done this before you because he seems awfully good at it. Had his little duckies right in a row, didn’t he? He is obviously bullying you because he wants financial gain out of all this as well. He’s been a very busy boy, plotting and scheming hasn’t he?

You do have a good lawyer, right? Please give yourself to lose this nitwit like yesterday’s rash. Who you wanted him to be or thought he was initially is not who he is. Look the monster in the face and don’t feel one pang of guilt over seeing what you see either. I’m not so sure I’d let him come over when you are out to pack……..that seems like a very very bad idea to me. I think you need to be there. And I think you need someone else or maybe a couple of people on your side to be there, if not the police to be honest. But please don’t let him do this while you are gone. Bad idea.

It’s your house, your possessions in there, too and I wouldn’t trust him any further than I could throw him. And who’s to say that he doesn’t mess with your computer or put spyware on it, or put spy cameras in your house, no, no….he does not need to be in there alone. He’s way too snarky not to be up to something here.

[Anonymous]

omission – give yourself permission to lose him like yesterday’s rash.

[Wiseafter]

Thank you Braelynn, this is like floodgates opening – the relief of being honest about what has been going on to others who ‘get it’ is enormous. I couldn’t sleep last night and now I should be downstairs at my computer, working, but have to finish this first.

I spoke to FLOWS about legal advice, I have left messages for lawyers specialising in DA/legal aid cases but nobody has called me back to date. Maybe I should rethink this and start being more proactive with finding a lawyer. It’s been (detail removed by Moderator) now since he left and he has respected the NC rule to date and has no key. He came round in the (detail removed by Moderator), arranging the visit via my sons who were present (they are three young men, no nonsense and very supportive) to collect some clothes and essentials. I thought this was reasonable and I knew I couldn’t be there to avoid any unpleasantness kicking off as it had in the past. I had my laptop and other devices with me and had locked up my personal information when I left the house, leaving nothing to chance. Spy cameras I did think about but have since done a sweep and can’t find anything untoward. I hadn’t considered that he might be motivated to follow up for financial gain even after he’s left but your post has left me thinking that I have been trusting before so I should heed you and not repeat same mistake again. He is quite the strategist in his work life and never forgets a slight. Also, his ex changed the locks to get him out of her house (that she owned) after which he moved straight in with me now I think about it! He never forgave her for that and it took her (detail removed by Moderator) years to get him to collect all his stuff that has since been taking up space in my house! Most of it unpacked despite my insistence over the years that he sort it, chuck it, or put it in storage. He is a hoarder and never throws anything away, if I moved anything to clean he used to go ballistic. He was arrested for pushing her too. So, yes, the penny drops – he has form! My main concerns are a: I have HUGE credit card debts to deal with after I lost part of my salary (detail removed by Moderator) due to taking time off for anxiety and losing a secondment post as a result (I pay for everything and I mean everything with no contribution from him at all, until the last few weeks when he suddenly started doing online grocery shopping as part of his scheming). I pay the mortgage, all the bills and with the credit card bills I hardly have any disposable income monthly so can’t afford a lawyer. And b: I pay for (detail removed by Moderator) storage units a month. We have (detail removed by Moderator) storage units all together, (detail removed by Moderator) in my name but I only have the key to one, he has the other. They all contain mixed up, separately bought and jointly (detail removed by Moderator) that we invested in because we were going to set up a business together (dreams and plans up in smoke). Over (detail removed by Moderator) of my inheritance and savings I wish I had held onto is in those units but regrets will kill you, time to look forward. We have to agree how those items are distributed and sold so yes, it would be better done through a solicitor. I am also under pressure to sell my house to pay my (previous) ex-husband off who is using a solicitor himself because he wants his share. Despite us being divorced for years, he still has a share in my house as a result of a court order, despite him paying no maintenance to honour his part of the court order – its complicated! I was trying to remortgage to pay him off but he won’t accept that, he wants the house sold, and fast. My partner knows this situation and my finances intimately, so another red flag. I am so glad to be able to talk on this forum. My friends have problems like running out of avocados or their husbands being on the naughty step for not taking out the rubbish, so I could never share the extent of the huge things I have to face by myself. I feel utterly alone. Thank God for my sons, they are amazing, wise and calm individuals who are 100% there for me. I don’t use them as confidantes and they don’t see me crumble and break down (I call Samaritans for that) but they are seeing someone trying to mend and rebuild after being broken and that is important.

The devastation caused by toxic men like their father and step father is enormous. Going back further now, my ex-husband (before my current partner arrived on the scene) also put me through hell, beating our sons when they ‘misbehaved’, not providing for them when we were together and giving up his job, changing addresses so that he didn’t have to pay maintenance which he never did, despite years of battling and further court summons. He was a bitter and absent father and the boys were terrified of him. Amazingly they have rebuilt their relationship with him now that they are men themselves. My partner seemed like the perfect guy when I met him, he was kind, good looking and loving and I quickly bonded with him. He dipped in and out of my life for a while (I now know he was still living with his ex) but he was generous and supportive with all. He visited my mum who had (detail removed by Moderator) and they got on like a house on fire. He was lovely to everyone but awful to me in private. I thought it was my fault because he was only ever like it with me but you are right, he was probably like it to his previous partner. As you might have guessed I am not a young woman, so many hurdles still to get over. It’s overwhelming but I will get there.

[iliketea]

@mintyskinty sending you so much strength to add to the whole mountain of it you have already. It is overwhelming when it all starts clicking into place. You’ll get there. Definitely find a lawyer, talk to a few, most offer a free half hour, check it is free, check check check this, sometimes they end up charging if you go elsewhere…He has no stake or claim on your house especially if you have always paid the mortgage and bills. Have you got a non-molestation order in place? It sounds as if this might be an idea, although he left willingly when the police were involved it might not last. Next step start compiling evidence, I’m going to bump a post on that. If you haven’t previously start recording everything, every interaction, on paper and Voice Pro if he rants at you. Also, is it worth seeing your GP and talking to them, and get a referral to a domestic abuse service. They might be able to offer support, I know he’s left, but sometimes they can offer counselling, and support for the court process. Sounds like it would be good to be on their radar. That’s all I can think of right now. Stay strong, look after yourself, eat well, drink lots of water, get lots of sleep, exercise, and hug your children tight. You’ve got rid of him. Well done. xx

[Anonymous]

Yes, you have to get legal advice ….Go here and scroll down to legal advice….rightsofwomen.org.uk/further-help/

Still gathering, be right back XX

[Anonymous]

Flag DV – flagdv.org.uk/ 0800 731 0055.

rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law/

citizensadvice.org.uk/

Well, well, well – isn’t he just the career abuser? This guy knows what he’s doing, done it before so you need to be on your toes here. Makes me angry reading all this. Grrr! And you have the ex to contend with too!?? I so feel you. Horrible position to be in but you have to wade through this and do so very very wisely. You make no quick move without advise and careful planning. He is laying in wait for you. It’s a bit like a chess game for him I’m quite sure. They relish it.

If you pay for the storage units wouldn’t that mean you have the right to getting another key or having lock removed, new one put on? You can of course give him a key. But you need quick advice on all this since he can waltz in there at any time and take whatever he wants. Good luck getting it back. I would at the very least call the storage places and say you want to be notified if he does come in and if things are taken out. All your co-mingled things need to be sorted asap with you watching and your sons there. He can’t do this alone. You no longer need to pay for storing his things.

Document everything! Have you changed your locks? At some point you might even want to chat with his ex…

But you have to get advice, no doubt on that one. Go get your name in pot all over and get back to us!

[Anonymous]

Also these might help….lawcentres.org.uk, gingerbread.org.uk, and law.ac.uk

[Wiseafter]

Hi all
Thank you so much for this. Used rights of women to call lawyer before and had a chat with someone who said solicitor would call but nothing happened, will try again. Important to keep going and be proactive. I do it at work so why not in my personal life? Treat it like its a work project. I will act as you recommend re: legal recourse and make sure it is free. Sort a loan to consolidate debts and look into what can be done re: storage. I started a new role at work at the same time as all this going down but will find time in my day for this. I will call GP too. I know his ex, she is mother to his sons and has always been polite and friendly. Also, his boys still have their door keys too so I will change the locks in case he gets his hands on one of the keys. All good advice. I have filled in application for non-molestation order but not submitted – it seemed extreme but have that in mind although he has shown no interest in hoovering and the police were very clear. I think he backed down in the face of that as they have said they will arrest him for common assault if he doesn’t comply because he pushed me. Lots to think about lots to do. Thanks, I feel stronger already and you have been so generous with you time and posts. Have a good day. Minty xx

[Anonymous]

You Go Girl! Just keep going here. You don’t get an answer you go somewhere else or get out the bullhorn. I often say I’m a nice little bull. Just content to eat my grass, mozy along, will even take a few nudges but once I find my horns about to be stuck in the fence from all the pushing….now you have my attention. My head is Up and I am turning around. Whatever and whoever might need to run. You be that in all of this, okay? And don’t stop until you have taken your life back by storm. I said No More and I didn’t stutter!

[Wiseafter]

By the way – just wanted to say to Endless and others who are at the mercy of the dreaded ST and other abuse – I feel you so much. I have been there many times and during lockdown too, and also the way you feel that your response can be just as toxic. This is because THAT IS WHAT HE WANTS. That you are in some way responsible or nuts or crazy or demanding or whatever the hell – your man is a master manipulator. Mine secretly recorded me ‘flirting’ at a party, then didn’t mention it for weeks while he didn’t speak to me and built up his case as it were, then he let me have it!! Another time he sent me misogynistic content from a women hating website about violent and abusive women because I moved onto the sofa while he was being vile to me. It is a very lonely place in the world of prolonged silent treatment. The hostility and contempt is breathtaking. I got used to it, like being institutionalised but I didn’t have this wonderful support network and forum to fall back on, full of wisdom and experience. The mere fact you have accessed it means you know you have to do something, just like I did. Use it.

He will do whatever he needs to do to get back the power base and when he has powered up again, he will stop and smile and be loving and your poor abused, tortured mind will be so grateful it will black out the pain, like childbirth, until the next time. Simple. Things got very dark for me but I finally listened to that inner voice that has been squeaking at me for years. I am finally seeing abuse for what it is and I am on the start of my recovery. If I can do it, anyone can. Trust me!! Listen, read and learn to distance yourself from his toxic drama. Note the patterns, note the cycle and note his behaviour and how it made you feel or react. Write it down. You can only control your response to it and your own actions in life. Write down everything. It helps enormously. You can be more objective when you look back and read your experiences and take an overview – like, oh, it actually happens more frequently than I first thought etc. As if it were happening to someone else. That helps you create distance between the ‘you’ this is happening to, and the ‘you’ who can take control of it and start to make plans. Password protect it of course, or hide it where he can’t find it. Whilst no-one can tell you what to do it, you might have the power to achieve something better for yourself. I am with you because I too am at the start of that journey. xx

[Catjam]

I wish I had the strength then that I do now. The times we have been out with family or friends (always his circle) and they haven’t realised he wasn’t acknowledging my existence. Even if I asked him a direct question he had a knack of not answering me but so no one else noticed. On the occasion I got upset I then got pity or you must be depressed remarks. Looking back I honestly don’t know how I survived. I actually told him (detail removed by moderator) that the only reason I didn’t commit suicide was the thought of him raising the kids on his own and what he would do to them.

 

[Endlessloop]

Thank you all for taking the time to reply to this – makes me feel less alone. The recent silent bout has now escalated. It’s so difficult to see what’s general lockdown strains and abuse, but I think my eyes are opening. Like I said I’ve dealt with this for years. I’m ready to go, I’ve had enough. I feel toxic too inside and it eating me up. I want to leave and erase my brain and start again. So hard after years and years.

[iliketea]

Its so true isn’t it, at times Ive been wondering if its lockdown too but honestly, normal people are surviving lockdown, the odd falling out, but that’s normal. I’m also getting the silent treatment at the moment. Longest ever. Strange. Started just after I tried to discuss splitting up and going our separate ways…

[Anonymous]

Good for you!! Enough is enough, right? Life is short!!

[Author]

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