How to deal with this part?

[xxx22]

So I received something from my ex AGAIN the last couple of days and it meant he can see my business page online which I don’t know from what account so I can’t block him which really upset me. And I know some form of contact is what he will feel satisfied by but I just got so annoyed I unblocked him and sent him screenshots of harassment that involves messages, emails and letters etc.. what you can report it for and what the outcome can be. I said to him if you do anything one more time that I will begin to report this. And he was like but what will you report me for? Sending you flowers? Congratulating you? I’m not being malicious and I am changing, I’m going to see a counsellor and I’m going to be better than I ever was.

Stupidly I argued it all out with him because I’ve felt so overwhelmed this week anyway with it all, I feel like it came gushing out.

But I hate that I found myself missing him and wanting him even when arguing with him and wanting him to leave me alone – it’s so toxic! And I hate that now he is getting help and wants to be better and then probably will be for the next person he is with whilst I’m just here, broken

X x x

[gettingtired]

Hey xxx22,
I haven’t left yet but from what I’ve read on the forum any form of contact after leaving is usually toxic with these men. I can only imagine how hard it is but I think staying in contact, even if it is to argue, won’t help your recovery.
Also, I can understand your concerns that he may now be seeking help so will end up fine for his next relationship. That’s actually highly unlikely. How do you know he even is attending counselling? There are women on the forum who’s exes insisted they were getting counselling and it turned out to be a lie. Or they dropped out. Counselling won’t stop him from being abusive. He’d have to firstly take responsibility for the abuse and attend a perpetrator programme for a long period of time and even then that’s just the beginning of changing his entitled attitude. I’ve never heard of a success story on this forum. Have you read Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft? It’s a huge eye opener and explains the manipulation abusers will use to snare you back in. Claiming they’re seeking therapy being one of the most common.
He’s already disrespecting your wishes by continuing to send you things and contact you when you’ve asked to be left alone.
I can imagine it’s really hard with your conflicting feelings of missing him but also wanting to be left alone. It sounds like trauma bonding. It might be worth having a google of that and I’d really recommend the Lundy book if you haven’t read it already xx

[xxx22]

I just ordered it, I actually have heard of this book before but now you’ve recommended I’ve ordered it – will arrive tomorrow.. thank god for Amazon!

It’s so negative because I know I should have done the back and forth with him over messages now and he’s back to being blocked but I couldn’t help myself. It annoys me even more when he agrees with me and tries to take accountability and say he’s lost the best thing that’s ever happened to him which is why he’s getting help.

As though he generally can’t help it and that’s why he’s seeing a counsellor – it’s always the same thing.. agreeing I deserve better and never deserved the things he did.. he just makes me angry. It’s such a negative effect aswell because here I am today at 1pm on a Saturday, unable to get out of bed, slept the whole morning away and just feel awful.

But you are right, I’ve never heard a success story on here or when a man has changed. That’s very true.. just have to keep going through the motions I guess.

Thank you x x x

[KIP.]

He’s a liar. Do not believe a word he says. Any contact is harrassment. Flowers included if you have made it clear. Don’t engage with him or the police will simply see it as an argument. The next time he contacts you direct his message to the police and make a complaint. They don’t change. He’s already breaching your boundaries and ignoring your request to be left alone. They don’t change and his next victim will get it worse. Protect yourself x

[Empoweredhealing]

The fact that he continues to violate your boundaries is a major sign that he hasn’t changed at all. People who have really changed will be able to hear what someone else need and moderate their behavior.
And no, he won’t be better for the next woman. He’ll put on a show to court her in the beginning but she’ll suffer the same or worse abuse in time. And the abuse cycle will continue.
I’m so glad for you that you are out. Now block/leave him behind so that you can go on and live a beautiful life.

[Rosemary]

With abusers they buy things for women it’s a thing they do to make you smile to believe that they are a good man after all .buying you things to show you that they love you or that they have changed I’ve had this experience my self and I understand when it comes to my parnter body language. From being abusive to being nice it’s what abusers do to make you stay with them its not right.

Abusers never change over time I’ve been with my
Partner for years his not changed I think his got
Worse over time it’s never easy to leave either.

Your partner will do anything to have you back as others said his not changed or listening to your thoughts and feelings it’s not right .

I hope you get surport you need .

[Barati]

Hey – I am new to this, only (detail removed by moderator) in so all very strange and confusing –

Positives – feeling so peaceful and calm, sleeping for hours and just feel relaxed. I didnt think I was living on edge until it was over – i think you forget what the normal you looks like.

Negatives – miss the “good” bits, dont want him to get in contact but secretly do – scared of the task ahead to get divorce sorted and how he will be

Sometimes confused if this is really what I want but know it is

Am I making any sense lol- sure this is normal but would be great to hear from anyone in same boat xx

[Sleepypigeon]

Hi barati, yea all these feelings are normal once you leave, I’m still negotiating the rollercoaster but wanted you to know your not alone. I understand missing the good bits, the hopes and dreams you had for your life, but you were in love with an illusion and all these hopes/dreams were a lie. That is the bit I struggle with to. I feel angry that I was duped, in my case again by a man like this.
Be kind to you, enjoy and try to saviour the peace and the freedom to make your own decisions and choices. Sending hugs. Your stronger and braver than you know, and well done for getting out. I know you have battles still to fight so educate yourself, there are some books that the ladies on here recommend and they are definitely worth reading. Reach out to your local wa as well. Knowledge is power and its time to take that back. Stay safe x

[Author]

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