20th April 2021 at 2:13 pm #124960TiredandfedupofthisParticipant
Hi, I’m totally new here, having decided i can’t take this emotional abuse anymore, I’m going to end up breaking.
We’ve been together for years, my husband is very good at pretending nothing has happened after massively blowing up at both me & the kids. The ways he treats us makes me feel sick.
I know we need to get out, but I’ve no idea how to go about it.
We have a mortgage on the house together, I feel like me and the kids shouldn’t have to leave. But I also don’t think he’s going to agree to go. I’m not going anywhere without the kids.
I can’t carry on with us all living together whilst the house sells (if that’s what we decided)
Should I confront him or just go? I guess that’s what I’m asking?
Our finances are not joined, but I don’t have any savings. I suppose I’d have to find somewhere to rent.
I guess I’m just wondering what others have done in this situation?
20th April 2021 at 2:57 pm #124961KIP.Participant
Hello. Firstly please contact your local women’s aid and read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Do not tell him of your plans to leave. This is the most dangerous time for a woman when she ends the relationship. Even if he hasn’t been physical before that’s probably because he has not had to. He’s been controlling you with gaslighting, fear, obligation and guilt. Google the power and control wheel. They cycle of abuse. I’d gather as much evidence as you can and go for a non molestation order or occupation order to have him removed from the house. That way you can stay there safely until it sells. Talk to a solicitor about this as most offer free initial advice but your local domestic abuse charity will have lots more information. Get all your ducks in a row. Talk to other women before you make a move who have been through the same situation with an abuser. He will make it as difficult as he can for you but if you plan ahead you will have the upper hand and can keep control. If you though he’d been abusive during the relationship it’s only going to get much worse after so plan for zero direct contact. Only though solicitor or third party.
21st April 2021 at 12:29 pm #125012Living WarriorParticipant
KIP has given you some brilliant advice there, I would write the same. I have been in your situation (although the house was his, i didnt want to stay and so i chose to leave) but given the circs getting a court order to remove him, (occupation order) a non molestation order to keep him from messaging you or harrassing you an keeps him away from the house, id also get a prohibited steps order to name u as primary care giver, this stops him collecting kids from school or friends houses and just taking them, also if they are to have contact ( again this is upto you, as i am not sure of that situation) it makes it an offence to keep them and not return the kids after contact. Police MUST return them to you if he refuses.
that may sound like a huge step, but it is something you need to think about at some point b4 you set about leaving.
log every evidence you can, google stalking & harrassment logs, include as much detail as possible, dates times witnesses evidence (texts screenshots, emails, call log screen shots etc) the more detail you write the incidents the better, in case it does get to the point of court.
I never thought my ex would get worse after we left- but he did. luckily i was already speaking to womens aid and had a key worker, who got me intouch with stalking and harrassment team and police, who were a great help. so i logged everything and even now the evidence i collected when ii first left ( few years ago) is crucial in proving his manipulation and behaviour now!
i always say its better to have it and not need it, than to need it and not have it! goes for lots of different things lol 🙂
i have posted about living with the dominator- in general posts. giving the examples of each characteristic of man.
i have also done posts on stalking and harrassment logs,
i actually started helping out my local womens aid and helping them with courses and such, so i know a fair bit. so feel free to pick my brains if need be. i check my messages most weekdays 🙂 so il always try and help if i can.
i dont want to bombard you with too much info so early. so if you have questions feel free to ask 🙂
i do hope this helps xx good luck xx
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