How to start again?

[LinguistFourEver]

Hello again,

If anyone has any advice. I am so at a loss here haha.

Recap: So its been X months since I broke off my past relationship. There was no physical abuse. Yet a lot of gaslighting, guilt ripping, insulting, calling me fat or ugly – (already struggled with bodyimage and EDs), throwing, kicking, and breaking things.

In my previous post I have never mentioned the s**ual difficulties. For me it is an absolute Taboo topic (just raised this way to never speak about it) but I feel it might be an issue. I never really enjoyed S** and it was always very painful and I just wanted to get it over with asap. But on top of that, in order to hope to avoid his temperamental outbursts I started to kind of initiate it, even planned it in my calendar to sort of forecast when it would be beneficial to be intimate, to not start any conflict to keep him happy and calm. I know I sound absolutely insane. He knew that I was pretending to be “fine”.

I might sound very naive; I once opened up to a friend of mine about this. And I kind of thought I was the problem. She told me that S** should be fun, NOT painful and not planned to avoid anger. My jaw dropped a little. I thought this was only possible in movies. I mean that i was using it to kind of direct his behaviour a little, i just simply ignored. the other things I thought are just normal for me or I have different body, or i need to work on something.

Its all very confusing I must admit sorry!

So the issue is now, I have met someone. We are just chatting already for a few weeks. Havent actually seen each other yet. I never intended to. I wanted to stay single and not interested in anybody forever! But, he is so kind. he is literally showering me with compliments. He is interested in what I am doing and who I am and keeps saying that he cannot wait to see me and to get to know me. Like what???

We talk about S** , but I am trying to put it off as much as I can. Delaying to meet him. Of course would not happen on a first date anyway. But I dont even wanna get to the first date, cause then there might be a second and third and eventually, we will get to it. (I know that I dont have to do anything, that I am not comfortable with.) But I would love to meet him and I WANT TO BE  excited and at the same time I am terrified!

I am literally looking for red flags! I’m interpreting everything he is saying to me as something negative! Its like my inner translation software is broken! I once showed a sweet text from him to a my friend. I only saw red and was like “I am not doing this!. look what he wrote?” and she lays out the facts and says “he is giving you compliment. it does not mean THAT. it means THIS”. She says to just have fun and enjoy the attention. That he is not my past relationship. I need to try to not take my past onto him.

Why am I looking for a reason to not meet this man?

And on some days I feel good and all the advice works. And I let myself be happy and excited and on other days suddenly, I freeze… and all these memories come up and I am kind of in a robotic state, about to write a text message saying sorry not interested anymore. Then I catch myself and stop and take a breath. But I cannot keep going on like this.

I dont know what to do. Should I give him a chance? or how big are the chances he is the same?  Maybe his compliments are just a trap and later he will diminish me? Am I overthinking this??

Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

[Sad and alone]

I think you have to deal with it as it comes and make your judgements step by step. Not worry too much about the future and just focus on what’s happening now. If you’re enjoying texting with this person and you’re getting on leave it at that. You don’t have to meet anyone until you feel you’re ready.
I imagine it’s hard coming from an abusive relationship and considering another. Aren’t we told that compliments are a red flag? Or over the top behaviour? But how do we know? How do we not know this is just someone excited at the prospect of getting to know us? That they really like us?
As someone who has been told has rejected by other half so many times they don’t initiate physical activities I get how you feel almost like you need to make sure you do it on a very regular basis. So they don’t accuse you of withholding affection or not liking them etc. It is meant to be a nice thing, not a chore, but it’s the other person that has led you to feel that way about it.
My advice would be to take things at your own pace and don’t do anything you’re not comfortable with.

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