How to stop ruminating about all the bad stuff

[Headspin]

I am still here in the abusive marriage, I have been on this forum before,I can’t leave because of my husband’s debilitating illness and a dependent adult child who relies on stability. I have been going to counselling, told a couple of friends about the abuse and it’s as if the floodgates have opened. I can’t stop thinking about all the awful things that he did to our family. I feel as if I’m there again experiencing the trauma, it plays on my mind almost all day long, my counsellor wants me to discuss the worst incidents next week, feels this will be beneficial. I know I can do it, have to get this stuff out. But I am so shocked and exhausted. My husband is completely oblivious to all that I’m going through. The strangest thing is that because he so ill, he is handing over the financial reins to me, he doesn’t have the mental capacity to deal with it. I don’t feel relieved, or triumphant, just utterly sad. He cuts a pathetic figure now, weak and ill, giving me more control, relying on my help. My goal with the counsellor was to feel more compassion towards him, but I just can’t summon it up, my head just goes back to the humiliations, scolding, control, violence and joyless life I’ve had with him, the mad decisions he made. I feel so deflated, yet amazingly my anxiety has gone, perhaps because I’m not suppressing all the abuse and pretending that we’re just fine. I suppose what I’m asking, is does this sadness ever go?

[Darcy]

Hi beautiful Angel … Headspin,
I think what you are feeling is perfectly natural.
I always say you have to ”feel to heal”
Once you release all the bad stuff it gives room for good stuff to grow again… look at it as getting the weeds out ready to plant the flowers.
It sounds a very stressful situation you are in and now with your husband ill and you having to care for a man that abused you that must be very hard.
I had to care for my abuser at times as he was of poor health, I use to think who would care for me if I got sick.
These abusive men are very weak inside and it seems that you are getting the chance to see that in him. How they have lived their life and treated people starts to literally eat them up from the inside where they are rotten.
You are totally valid in not wanting to show him compassion, however I will say carrying around hate and anger for anyone is heavy and only really effects you and not them.
I would use this situation to reclaim your power, however small a victory it may seem. If you can’t leave atleast now, start to get some control that you have been so lacking in over the years.
It’s good that you are seeking counselling, make sure as well you are taking sometime for yourself … you need to give back to yourself and not just give out to everyone else.
Sending you continued love and support
Darcy xx

[Headspin]

Thank you for your kind words Darcy. I like the “feel to heal” saying and the pulling out weeds analogy. I have to be strong, for my own sanity and my adult son who is so dependent on me. I feel as if my memories of his disgusting behaviour towards me are unleashed. I am so angry with myself for not leaving the marriage years ago. I wish I could feel an ounce of sympathy for him, I go through the motions of pretending to care, appointments, questions on treatment, cooking and clearing up for him. The counselling is helping, it was suggested that I could care from an emotional distance. It’s just so hard.

[Headspin]

Thank you beachhut, I hope to learn that it’s ok not to feel sympathy for him. Such a relief to know that the thoughts might not come back so often as I process the past. The thoughts were wild yesterday, bit calmer today. Every time I have to support him or do something he can’t, I get a flashback of how he treated me when I had flu or food poisoning, or post op. He would leave me with the kids and swan off then would rage about the housework not being done.
I’m just so angry.

[Silverbirch]

Hello Headspin, I’ve just seen this thread. Anger. Indeed. How could it be otherwise? Once the fog starts to lift and clarity starts to arrive, it’s no wonder you are feeling anger. You are remembering how he treated you. So feeling anger about his behaviour is totally natural. When we feel anger it’s almost second nature to direct it towards ourselves in the form of self blame or regret or recriminations. That is part of the conditioning and brainwashing process. We do the best we can in impossible circumstances. I notice that my self blame is diminishing gradually as I see more clearly how my ex deliberately and consistently chose his strategies. I now think it is amazing I got out at all. I support the idea of carrying out tasks in a detached or dispassionate way. It sounds as if doing them , though painful, is helping you reach greater clarity. This can inform how you spend what time you do have in ways which are good for your wellbeing. Sending support xx

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