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(TL;DR at bottom) My husband and I had a whirlwind romance and married basically as quickly as we could. There were some red flags, looking back. But I was in love, naive, inexperienced.
When we were newlyweds it made me uncomfortable that he’d throw things at the floor/wall when mad, but we were both young and he never threw stuff at me so I didn’t think much about it.
It’s been several years now. When baby #1 was born, he was hard to soothe, and as my husband got increasingly frustrated he’d bounce him harder and harder until I’d get upset and take the baby away. Baby #2 is calmer but that still happens on rare occasions.
Baby #1 grew into a tantruming toddler with a violent streak. Husband still has a bad temper. Sometimes the toddler will be misbehaving (detail removed by moderator). When I tell him he’s being too rough, he usually gets sullen, stomps off, and is silently angry for a few hours (the usual response when we argue, too). Other times he’ll explain that I don’t understand how stressful it is being the sole provider for the family, and that he just gets so angry when the toddler hurts me.
He doesn’t take care of them. (detail removed by moderator). But usually he’s too busy on video games. He says he can “multitask” but he’s entirely ignoring the children. I’ve been run completely ragged for over a year and he complains about the house being a mess. I’m exhausted. He takes naps and plays games whenever he wants. He usually gets his way after stomping off mid-argument and not talking for hours. When I ask him to stop using his cell phone while driving with us in the car, he becomes sullen and silently drives more aggressively and scares me. But, the past few weeks/month or so, interactions between him and the kids have been…while very brief…better! We’re in marriage counseling! So…I can’t stop thinking I’m horrible for obsessing over this when he could improve. I’m drowning in guilt, feeling like I’m just cherry-picking to demonize him because I kind of might want to divorce. His aggressive acts aren’t that frequent or severe and he never yells at me or calls me names or hits me.
TL;DR My husband loses his temper sometimes snd gets too rough with the kids, rarely leaving marks but always scaring the heck out of us. But he hasn’t done that in the past month or so and I’m feeling like a horrible person for thinking he could be an abuser. He has never harmed me. I don’t know if maybe he’s growing and bettering himself and I just want to make the right choices for my babies.
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He is definitely an abuser and that behaviour is shocking and illegal. Please contact your local women’s aid for assistance. It’s child abuse and you need help to get you all out safely. Mental scars last a lifetime for children. It’s so important that they are loved and cherished. Abuse will stunt their growth mentally. The throwing things is intimidation. Ring the national domestic abuse helpline and talk it through with the lovely ladies on the helpline. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Abuse creeps up on us and before we know it, it becomes normal to us. You need counselling from a domestic abuse trained counsellor on your own in secret. Joint counselling won’t work with an abuser. Have you told your marriage counsellor all about his behaviour. His harming the children?
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You are so right in believing this is abuse and that he could seriously hurt your children. It’s so easy to dislocate a child’s arm or leg at a young age. I cant believe he needs a schedule to fit in bonding time with his own children. Marriage counselling won’t work all it’ll do is give him more ammunition. Im so sorry you and your babies are going through this. He sounds very scary and extremely dangerous. Try and contact your local WA as soon as you can, let them help you navigate your way out of this. Your oldest child is only picking up on his behaviour, is trying to tell you he’s scared and hurting in the only way a child can. He’s not got the words or emotional maturity. Stay safe sweetheart. Im worried for you all
IWMB 💞💞 -
Thank you all so so much for responding; I’ve been feeling like I’m losing my mind and like I can’t trust anything my brain tells me. Well, aside from one thing: that I’ve got to protect my children. I didn’t tell the marriage counselor about his aggression because I’m not ready for her to report him to report suspected child abuse to the authorities. I don’t even have evidence to show. I’m really struggling. I’m only just now accepting he could be abusing us, and my brain keeps panicking and trying to cling to denial. I haven’t mentioned words like abuse or divorce to him–he’d be utterly shocked. I’ve just been carrying on as normal and it’s tearing me up inside, secretly trying to get information and resources to leave him and prepare to face him in court and call him an abuser. I know I’d go to the ends of the earth for my children, but I’m trying to do it heartbroken and scared and pretending everthing is normal, and this feels impossible.
Two of my friends know. They’re not in any sort of position to help. I will need my parents’ help but I haven’t been able to make the phone call to say it.
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I know how shocked and devastated it is to accept that the person who is supposed to protect and cherish us is actually deliberately destroying us piece by piece. I believe that’s why we sit in denial for so long. It’s far too painful to contemplate. But your kids are your motivation now, they’re learning this behaviour at such an impressionable age. I did a psychology course and it’s terrible what childhood trauma does to the child brain. Let alone the adult brain. So you will be shocked, fearful. Abusers use tools like Fear Obligation and Guilt FOG. Start keeping a secret journal. It’s really important that you let your GP know that you and your children are abused and that you’re taking steps to leave. This is vital information should things go to court. Do not discuss anything with him. When you leave an abuser, it’s the most dangerous time for you and your children and he’s already shown he will hurt them. You need to build a support network of women’s aid, family, friends, the police, this forum for validation and support but you can do this. You can make a safe place for you and your children. Speak to a solicitor and let them know what’s been going on. Get one who has experience in domestic abuse. I know you will feel overwhelmed but imaging one of your friends describing this to you. What would your advice be? We minimise abuse as a coping mechanism. None of this is your fault. Stay safe x don’t be afraid to ring the police, that’s what they’re there for x
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My husband was like yours before I left, I was advised by a counsellor it would be better for my grown up kids leaving. He was good to them for (detail removed by moderator) until a girlfriend appeared, then he started on them
You had better leave your life is in danger, I never want to set eyes on you ever again, I am going to report you to the judge & you will be locked up for seeing your mum
Once an abuser always a abuser
It was never about me & I have realised -
I feel for you trees a p i made the difficult decision to leave my husband (detail removed by moderator) ago and I’m still finding it difficult to accept that he was emotionally and psychologically abusive. Like you now that I look back on the relationship there were little signs,but I never pieced it all together, or maybe I didn’t want to see. Try and think about your kids and what’s best for them and what sort of environment you want them to grow up in. You don’t need to tell the marriage counsellor if you don’t want to but do ring womens aid for advice and reach out to family and friends who can support you.
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Please speak to the marriage counsellor alone. Your partner will be collecting data about you which he’ll use against you. I went to couples counselling for years with my ex. We went round and round in circles like a hamster on a wheel. He divulged nothing. Most marriage counsellors will see you both as equal and I have not met any who recognise domestic abuse. Sadly he isn’t going to change for the better. You and the children need as much help and support as possible. When you can, let school know what’s going on and relay your concerns to everyone involved with the family. This is absolutely not your fault. Abusers seek out good, empathetic people like heat seeking missiles.
My ex is behaving in exactly the same way now, as he was when he left his first wife. The lies, the behaviour are identical. I think the children have him rumbled.
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PM’d you @Treesap
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I have seen this alot with men who have the emotional I.Q. of a child themselves. They are competing for whatever here as if they were the most important child in the house and to them – they are. Not a good situation, a very dangerous one. Supposed accidents happen all the time, but then again are they? In his eyes the world should revolve around him if this is his main mode of operation, nevermind being nice at times. Absolutely follow the advice of these ladies here. This is child abuse and he is abusing you as well. Abuse isn’t just about hitting you. Intimidation and fear is abuse. This will severely mark and damage your kids if this doesn’t stop. And what if a supposed accident does happen? Then what’s done is done. Don’t wait for that, please don’t. Him escalating is not something you want. I lived through that as a child and my mother did nothing. While you can think straight here, please reach out for help.
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Oh, and as the others have said, counselling won’t help, he’ll just use it to hoodwink you into believing that he’ll change. It’s highly unlikely that he will and in the very rare event that he might, it’ll be a lifelong battle for you both if he’s going to keep it under control. Sadly, there’s only one way to keep yourself and your kids safe and that is to leave.
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Hey from a different perspective my dad used to attack us and we (the children) lived in terror. My mum did not know the extent to which we were all abused. My dad hiked it up a level from violence and as an adult I’m trying to come to terms that my father…..the humiliations everything like that was sexual abuse. He was a tyrant but as far as I still know now he never hit my mum. He tormented her with his words. You children need to be safe, and feel safe…..get away from him!!
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