Husband has gone silent, I know something bad is coming which fills me with anxi

[Hereforhelp]

I am writing on here again as i feel like there’s something wrong with me. The husband has gone silent, with me, kids. This means he is planning something, I know it as he did this on and off before we separated, he may be aggressive, victim who is suffering, suicidal or that I caused this because I don’t love him anymore. He tortures me emotionally for not wanting him.
I am going to tell him not to see our children (detail removed by moderator) and am dreading the backlash, i said this before to him and he accused me of being unkind, selfish, they are his children too, he said I can’t do that (stop him), he says (detail removed by moderator).
It’s all so messy and I don’t understand. He has no life, friends, no family, he is a solitary and insular person. I have friends (I am fortunate and I love my friends, they help support me) husband says(detail removed by moderator) he doesn’t have any relationships now we have separated.
Last time I saw him he told me about (detail removed by moderator) he was joking, I know he said that to impress me, he also said how he has changed, how he.no longer feels aggressive, I want that to be true but after a very very long time together I know it isn’t true but there’s a part of my brain which says, come on, be reasonable and then we can sort out an amicable divorce.
But those are HIS words!! How does my brain hang onto such words from him, he is trying everything to get back in…. he has lied, said he is suicidal, he tells me (detail removed by moderator). it makes me feel like I am being so unkind and confuses me.
Sorry for long post, I am in the early stage and getting my head around all this is so new and frightening.
He controlled so much. How do these men do it so subtly? How do they control an entire home with their moods and aggressive ways.
This silent treatment is unbearable as I don’t know what he will do (detail removed by moderator), he may turn up and i do not want him here near me or influencing our children. I hate him yet still feel a need to make sure that he is ok. What the hell is the matter with me!

[KIP.]

Abusers are liars and manipulators. Google trauma bonding. Ring the police if he turns up and call your local women’s aid for support. Be careful about putting anything in writing regarding the kids as he can use this against you. You need help. Most solicitors offer free initial advice. Ring the national domestic abuse helpline x

[KIP.]

Have you read Living with the Dominator by Pat craven? Or Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft? Both good books x

[maddog]

My ex was exactly the same. There’s nothing at all wrong with you, and all your reactions are completely normal for someone being abused.

Perpetrators are usually severely damaged individuals who build a False Self to protect themselves. We fall in love with that false self. It’s a bit like the invisible man. Their entire personality is made up of bits of other people to create a shape, and because there’s nothing on the inside, bits of the outside fall off, and we’re left in the confusion of what’s real and what’s not.

The sad truth is that abusers are usually so damaged and warped, and beyond fixing because the harm happened so long ago.

Keep records of every interaction you have with him. His reality won’t follow the evidence.

Please remember that his behaviour is not your fault. We are targeted and ensnared.

You may also find Rights of Women and The Court Said helpful.

It is such a difficult time when we first begin to understand the behaviour we’ve normalised. You can, and will escape from the web. There’s a lot of help and support out there. Baby steps.

[Hereforhelp]

Maddog, yes the invisible man, that’s exactly what he is like with different parts of other people and he moulds himself to fit in!! Thank you all for your support on here, I am so relieved to finally be able to start voicing some of the abuse (I can’t accept all of it yet as married for a very very long time, I didn’t even notice the subtle changes that I made to my own personality/character so as to keep the peace.. I think I lost myself but am trying to get back)
Thabk you all xxxx

[Author]

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