Husband using children as pawns

[Lemonsouffle]

Some background – I have recently started divorce proceedings against my controlling, manipulative, bullying husband. He is being very uncooperative – stalling the process as much as he can, playing the victim, taking the moral high ground accusing me of ruining my children’s life, treating me like I am committing a crime by wanting to get myself and my children out of this awful marriage. We are both still living in the family home with our 2 children. It is a horrible atmosphere which is unbearable and damaging for all of us but he refuses to move out despite being asked by myself and my solicitor. I can’t afford to move out myself and won’t go without my children.

I tried to have a sensible conversation with him today about divorce proceedings and about how we should tell the children. I was trying to find a way we can present a united front. He has no interest in this and made it clear he would blame me entirely for the break up if we spoke to them together. I feel like he is using this to bully and control me, to punish me for wanting to leave and most of all to sabotage my relationship with the children. He is planning to do far more than just be honest with them, he wants to put as much blame on me as possible, present himself in the best possible light and me in the worst.

What can I do about this?. It just seems so unfair. He is being so selfish and not thinking about their best interests. I am at such a disadvantage in this situation and no one seems to be able to help me. I have spoken to the helpline and to ROW – they are very sympathetic but can’t suggest anything.

I’d be really grateful for any advice. I can’t believe I have to risk my children being turned against me in order to get out of this situation. I feel like I am crumbling physically and mentally with the the stress of it.

[maddog]

My husband does not appear to have the best interests of the children at heart either. He yelled at me in a mist of rage that he was divorcing me, in front of both children and that I was the abusive one. He has lied to the police and to his solicitor. He has condoned, again in front of the children, my daughter’s assault on me, saying I deserved it and it was all my fault.He had me arrested under false pretences on the press of 3 buttons. I have been making statement after statement and still I wait.
Divorce proceedings are in progress and my husband told me last night that he had paid the fee. It’s agreed that we pay half each. I am totally confused as the divorce is one thing, criminal law another, and civil something else. He told the children today that we would get joint custody. My children are horrible to me when they’ve spent time with him. The daughter who attacked me has attacked her sister too. I am the new victim of her fear.

[KIP.]

Hey there, never underestimate these men. He will never be reasonable and his abuse and behaviour will only get worse. These men become dangerous when we try to leave. I can tell you that I secretly recorded an assault and he was arrested. Leaving me in the home. The gloves are off and he will destroy you any way he can. He will upset his own children just to see you hurt. If you can gather evidence of his abuse and get a non molestation order or exclusion order through the courts. That would mean you can remain in the home. A refuge is another choice or can you go to the local housing with a Women’s Aid worker. I went there and they will make you a priority for housing where domestic abuse is involved. I also talked my ex into a trial separation. If you can lie and tell him you can work on your marriage from a distance? Depends how far you want to go. I lasted two weeks living with my ex after divorce papers were served. It turned nasty and violent very quickly. If I had young kids I’d get them away from his influence and tell them first. My ex told my son such lies it was shocking.

[Lemonsouffle]

Thanks for your replies. I agree the law is really confusing and there are no guarantees that non-mol orders etc will be granted. ROW advised me not to do this as they didn’t think my case was strong enough.

[she-ra]

Hello lemon souffle

Just wanted to let you know you’re not alone, I too am in exactly the same position. I have (detail removed by moderator)children and am desperate to leave but have nowhere to go. He says that he will eventually leave when he’s sorted his finances, never going to happen! He keeps saying when he leaves I’ll be sorry, but he will never leave, I know that now. He keeps lying to his family about me and is threatening to ring social services and tell them that I am an unfit mother. I want to try and rent a home on my own but my credit rating is awful due to debt as a result of financial abuse, I pay for everything, every little thing, and one wage to support 6 people is never enough. After reading some of the things the ladies have written on here I now know he will never ever think of my children’s needs first, always his own. He is trying to poison them against me and drive a wedge between us and make them think I’m a bad mum etc. I’m so tired of hearing it over and over and over again, it’s just like a record on repeat, day after day after day. I know exactly what you mean about the atmosphere it is absolutely horrendous and I just so want to walk out the door and never ever look back.

Do you have family/friends you could stay with? Can you rent a property? I was so intent on hanging onto my house but now I’m not sure I even care anymore, it’s just bricks and mortar, I just want to be free. I’m so sorry I’m not much help but just wanted you to know that you’re not alone xxxx

[maddog]

I have no idea if this is a solution. I own the house with my husband. He wants work done on it. I am thinking I will get things into storage and buy a caravan. I need to find out where we can put a caravan until the house is sold, but I have no qualms about living in one so we can be safe with the animals. My husband too has said he will never leave.
Every situation is different. I have been looking and looking at rental properties. Now I am going to start asking from the schools and all the people I know if there’s anywhere that we could park a caravan for the next 6 months. I have dogs who need to be safe too.
My car is tiny and without a towbar so I will be relying on the kindness of friends and neighbours. There is also the issue of waste.

[Lemonsouffle]

Hi maddog and she-ra. I haven’t checked this for days but I just wanted to say I’m so sorry you’re both going through similar things and offer some solidarity – it definitely helps me to know I’m not alone.
I’m still stuck in the same place. Feel like I’m staring down the barrel of a gun, now I know how manipulative my husband is I can just about stand him behaving like this towards me but I can’t bear the thought of him hurting my children or trying to turn them against me. I’m terrified and paralysed by it.

[maddog]

I understand that, Lemonsouffle. I was just saying to the police over the weekend that I felt like a rabbit in the headlights. I told my elder teenage daughter that although it was her normal to hit her mother on the sayso of her father, but that there was nothing at all normal about it. I have told my younger daughter that there is nothing normal about sleeping under her bed or in the linen cupboard, which is her normal. My elder daughter asked and asked why I had to go out and stay out for a while, so I told her that dad had been shouting at me and I needed to speak to someone. I didn’t tell her it was the police (again).

My husband was screaming at me over the weekend which was terrifying. He was yelling at me yesterday about paying (detail removed by Moderator), which again was threatening and terrifying. When I came home later, I told him I needed to see documentation of who and how much he’d paid, and then he printed out an email from his solicitor which he hadn’t read. It stated clearly that I could pay my part(detail removed by Moderator). He didn’t apologise for his rage. He’s been a bit more communicative since then. (detail removed by Moderator)

Are you able to go into refuge, Lemonsouffle? Do you have an injunction against your husband? Are the police involved? The police told me to call 999 if I am feeling threatened by my husband, even if it’s yelling and shouting. You can report it on 101. I have had to meet the police outside my home as I know that if my husband sniffs that I’ve been speaking to them he will ramp it up.

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