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Really struggling to deal with my husbands mental health at the moment.
I am sure he suffers with depression, anxiety and maybe even some form of psychosis.
He is totally unable to deal with social situations, he has no awareness of how to talk to people and this has lead to his life being very difficult.
He argues constantly with others, even managers and colleagues at his job, he left because of it
He is anxious about me leaving him. (I am sure he doesn’t know how im feeling) that he tells me he has vivid dreams of me leaving or cheating on him,
He requests to know where I am and who im talking to all the time, asking me if I have been ‘(detail removed by Moderator)’ by anyone.
Hes recently been upset about not having a job or any ‘purpose’ in his life but yet he doesn’t do anything to change that, he asks me to apply for jobs for him, he wont even look for any.
He doesn’t help around the home at all and if I ask him to, he tells me I have changed.I feel so sorry for him because I know he has mental health problems but im drowning.
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Oh my goodness I feel for you. I am in exactly the same boat, plus mine has addictions as well and finds ways to extort money from me after I have said no to things. It feels awful to feel this way about someone you care/cared for so much, however when it starts to cost us our own well-being , health and ultimately quality of life then we have to act to protect ourselves. Right here with you. Mines got to go, even if he’s suffering. At times he has acknowledged his life’s a mess because of the choices he has made in life. I’m working on coaching myself around it’s ok to let go…. But that’s very hard.
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Another perspective for you to consider here, as I could’ve written your post a few years ago almost word for word. But now I see that him losing jobs and getting into arguments was actually down to his abusive mindset that he was better than his boss or mate, they were ‘below’ him in some way, that he was entitled to something or they should be grateful he turned up even if he was causing issues (and my ex was a hard worker with a physical job in fairness).
Claiming he’s having dreams about you cheating, wanting to know your movements or saying he can’t cope without you are tactics too. These all subconsciously make you change your behaviour to how he wants you to act.
He has no intention of changing, you’re providing everything he needs and I’ll put money on him doing nothing to get himself help like seeing a Gp for depression – suddenly that’s not needed. You care because you’re a nice person, empathetic and worry about him but that’s music to his ears because he doesn’t need to change. You’ll just slowly drown further and further.
Gosh that’s probably a really harsh and depressing response, I don’t mean it to be! You deserve better than this and MH or not (most likely not), it’s not all on your shoulders to sort x
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Hi Banana boat,
please dont apologise, realistic views are the most helpful.
that’s so true, he is always a victim and should have the best in his mindset yet he does nothing to get it, he complains constantly how people ‘have it easy’ but he doesn’t consider that he doesn’t know how hard they have worked to get there.
yes very true, im a shadow of a person these days, just trying to keep the peace at home.
Update: (removed by moderator) I confronted him and asked him to (removed by moderator) himself (he makes me do this for him) he went crazy, telling me how much ive changed.. it was as if I had asked him to do something crazy!
I think the point of him never chainging is something I really need to come to terms with, I try to imagine how things will be in the future and we talk about it all the time, but its just never going to be possible with his attitude.
shoulders are so heavy honestly.
I hope to get more help soon.
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Omg that line, ‘they have it easy’ was heavily used by my ex – people in any job other than his, people in offices, people who didn’t work he was better than them all. He hated it when I’d say he can choose his job just like anyone can.
My ex would also Google every remedy other than going to the GP, all to keep me placated because I thought ‘oh he’s doing something that’s ok then’. A big eye opening moment for me was realising I’d been given the same, almost line for line, apology and promises to get clean, stop drinking, care for his family etc each time, and he’d not done any of them at least not more than a few weeks.
It’s hard to accept all this stuff, heartbreaking too and once you see it you can’t unsee it. Have you read Lundy Bancroft’s book ‘why does he do that’ it really helped me x
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Hi Bananaboat,
That line will haunt me forever haha.
Oh interesting (really glad to see he is your ex btw), I will definitely look out for repeated lines. But he doesn’t ever promise anything, because he never believes he is the one in the wrong.
I haven’t read that but I will definitely give it a try.
thank you for your support. x
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That is hard isn’t it. I think the not and never going to change thing is the reality. They are always trying to get a job, not interested in getting help no matter how many numbers you give them. They dont know how hard people work to keep things going and sacrifices they make to keep their homes and interests going. I just think they don’t really want to work deep down and think the rest of the world owes them a living or a high pay job when they have zero
Qualifications and work ethic.
Even when mine was working, I’ve realised I still ended up doing the lions share of everything – especially when he messed up or gambled it away. I’ve never seen a penny back of “I‘lol pay you back”. A very capable man choosing to not desperately go pot washing or cleaning or warehousing or bar work or anything to get by. Just the silent treatment or rages if they don’t get what they want.
No. No more – I don’t want a man baby! -
I hear you. For (removed by moderator) years I rode this roller coaster with my husband’s mental health – on and off medication, in and and out of therapy. Eventually I realised that incidents he once blamed on his mental health still happened when he was or wasn’t in therapy, when he was or wasn’t on meds. He cold turkeyed off his meds, left therapy and wouldn’t go back, and kept hurting me. I realised he didn’t even want help for himself anyway. There came a breaking point where I realised I had done everything to make our lives as comfortable as possible as he worked on his problems, and that still wasn’t good enough for him.
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