I am again sucked into stupid behaviour

[TowerOfSong]

I haven’t been on here for a while. Life jogs along and I live day to day and try to keep it all together for my small child. But there is a self destructive energy in me which seeks out bad things in a crazy self-harm kind of way. When my other half pushed me down the stairs nearly a year ago, I couldn’t make sense of it. That the person I had loved, married, had a child with, who loved me and who – yes – had hit me a few times over a long relationship, could do something so dramatic, so potentially lethal, just did not compute. It still doesn’t really.But we live separately and he is over most days and I still don’t know what will happen to our marriage.

And I get lonely, and internet, social media, texts, emails etc become a safer way to connect, to reach out. And someone who was an alternative therapist of mine who became a friend, aslo became someone who I laid some kind of unhealthy fantasy upon. He is – it is quite apparent – a n********t whose has a very credible professional front but as a friend is completely rubbish. Totally self absorbed, and I became the person who would stroke his ego and say things like, “Gosh, yes, aren’t you misunderstood, overlooked genius, best in your field, surrounded by morons…etc…” and he would nod and agree, and never give anything back. And our friendship has extended only to meeting for coffees, one cinema outing and the odd lunch. I find him attractive but I realise his ‘therapist’ face is the attractive bit, and the fantasy, and his day-to-day off duty self is not attractive. And is not interested in me, except on his terms, when he is not busy. But his is the number I text when I am feeling self distructive, reaching out with something silly and usually inconsequential, but once drunken self loathing, confessional, and once – stupidly – a nude photograph (very tasteful in a studio!). And I have cast him in an alternative reality where we have a physical relationship where he hurts me and doesnt care. This hasn’t happened because he mainly ignores my texts.

Moving on. I rediscovered an ex-boyfriend from a very long time ago whose name would once send me into post-traumatic panic and whose sadistic and non-consensual behaviour to me ruled out the possibility of a healthy sesual relationship with anyone (including my husband) for a very long time. Now, however, in light of being pushed down the stairs by my husband, what this earlier partner did to me seems like something I can now shrug off – as if it was perhaps just a misunderstanding that I wasn’t consenting, and anyway, he wasn’t trying to kill me, and it was so long ago, etc etc. And now he has seamlessly slipped into the role that the alternative therapist had previously been forced by me to occupy and the texts go to him. And I had this idea that I could goad this one into a physical relationship (despite my being considerably more middle aged, and he actially being almost elderly now, and me fatter and more unattractive) and maybe he would hurt me again and this time I could say to myself that I had chosen it, I was in control of it, and anyway I am stronger so it wouldn’t deeply affect me but just be an alternative to self-harm, this time by proxy. I could indulge my feelings of worthlessness again, have them reinforced, or maybe this time be like ice and unaffected. He and I were due to meet tomorrow – we havent spoken, just texts, mainly sent by me, and he has (if I interpret the tone of the texts) been reluctant to meet, always too busy etc. But we had fixed tomorrow to meet for a coffee and then this evening he cancels, as I guessed he might, with a plausible excuse of some work coming up and having to be out of town.

I have texted back saying No probs, hope the venture goes well. I have now deleted all our other texts so I don’t have easy visual reminders of his existence, and am pondering Unfriending him from FB – what was I thinking even friending him in the first place a few weeks ago?? This is my opportunity to stop this stupid and dangerous behaviour in its tracks. But I am angry. I feel how unreliable men are, people are. I am stupidly hurt and crushed by his cancelling; I feel stupid and why would anyone, even – especially – someone who I used to ‘go out with’ feel any urge to do ANYTHING with or to me, a now middle aged, unattractive haus frau. I am not the young nymph whom he could abuse as the sadistic older man. I feel rejected. Even an abuser doesnt want me anymore. And I don’t know how to progress from here. The step to delete his contact details and just stop contact is good but I know myself and I know how likely I am to prod him again with a text or email, however inconsequential at first. And who will be next in my series of prodding dangerous lions with a stick? And what if one of the lions actually wakes and bites?

I am lonely; it is nearly August which has always been my worst month; psychotherapist away; friends on holiday; my bad self thoughts are not on holiday.

I am not really looking for advice but thought I could lay out what I am doing to myself baldly but in an anonymous and understanding space. And if I see it in black and white, maybe a way forward will become apparent.

Thank you for reading. I am sorry to be solely in broadcast mode.

ToS

[KIP.]

Hi there, this kind of thing rings bells with me althought I didnt act on any of my impulses. I realised that i was craving what was ‘normal’ to me. As human beings we crave what we feel is ‘normal’. Even if its dangerous, dysfunctional and as you say stupid. Try to spend more time on yourself. I read all i could about the psycology behind abuse and it explained/saved me from behaviour i would have regretted x

[TowerOfSong]

Thank you for your response KIP. I have been ok since yesterday, in that I have kept to my no contact and deleting texts. But I have been depressed today and feeling very distant from the world. But you are right about focusing on myself more. Perhaps valuing myself.

x

[Starmoon]

I read your post and you’ve got such a way with words. It also rang a bell with me. I’ve jumped from one destructive relationship to the next, Despite how unhappy it’s made me.
You’ve explained everything so well and so many points I can relate to. My abusive ex has left me traumatized, some of the things he did were awful and the abuse got so much worse after our baby was born. We haven’t spoken now in a few months because he’s on bail and unable to contact me. If it wasn’t for those conditions, I think I would still be with him in the same awful cycle. But anyway, the ex before him- my eldest child’s dad- was also some what abusive. Whilst he wasn’t physical, and I didn’t feel as hurt by his actions, there is still similarities. The tbing is, I have to fight to remind myself that he was aslso not good for me and just because he wasn’t ‘as bad’ it doesn’t mean it was ok. I’ve also been tempted to contact an old ‘friend’… Thought for the life of me I do not know what this urge is about. This so called friend made me miserable, she was utterly manic, a compulsive lier and totally inappropriate.. As well as down rite evil to me in the end. It’s taken allot to shake her off.. So why would I openly walk into that again.
My reply probably hasn’t helped much… But I can understand how you feel xx

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