3rd March 2019 at 12:42 pm #73384
I am hoping this time this really is it, that i am leaving him. For good.
I’ve told some close family members things aren’t good, and my mum understands now that he’s been emotionally and financially abusing me, and she said it’s what her first husband did to her. I am at my folks now with my dog, it’s not suitable long term as my dad is very frail, unsteady on his feet and has dementia, mum’s his carer .. so to have a fairly young large dog running circles around them isnt ideal.
I own the house with my husband .. most months it’s me ending up paying all the mortgage and bills. ..
So I will seek legal advice on my home situation … O wish he would just leave .. I’ve come to realise he is just a leach … He basically been borrowing more that I thought from money lenders, his family and my own mum behind my back (at least she knows now not to give him another penny)
It’s clear more than ever his drug addiction is out of control. He has never been violent but can be nasty and very manipulative and convincing with the tears etc… He can also be wreckless with his job, and taking care the house
So I dread to think what’s gonna happen next.. I am a nervous wreck
..I’ve changed the front door lock whilst he was sleeping so that he can no longer lock.me out … But think I’ll only ever go round there with a relative…
I spoke to WA they said report to police but I really don’t want to do that unless I have to as it would mean his career is over ….and God knows what he would do if that source of money is closed off to him too
Any advice right now to keep me strong would be really appreciated …I feel I can almost taste freedom…but scared I will end up returning because at times it seems the safest and easiest thing to do for all concerned 🙁
3rd March 2019 at 12:51 pm #73385KIP.Participant
My advice it to listen to the professionals. They know best. If WA are telling you to report him to the police then that is what you should really do. It will go against every instinct in your body but those instincts are wrong and planted by your abuser so that you sympathise with him and feel sorry for him. The reality is you’re in a war and he will crush and destroy you and leave you with nothing if you allow it to continue. Get a good lawyer and separate the debt. Even if you do nothing else. Him possibly losing his job is not your responsibility. It’s also something you may be able to use against him. If he won’t move out the home or play fair with separation and finances. Stay strong. Decide what you want. If it’s the house and him to move out then that’s your priority. But you’re going to have to step up. It will feel like you’re being disloyal but you owe him nothing. These men see empathy as a weakness.
3rd March 2019 at 1:41 pm #73386
KIP as always you are so spot on with your advice.
Yes definitely he has taken advantage of my empathy , and my mums kindness and vulnerability too.
Only reason I want the house for now is I’d take care of it so it won’t be absolutely wrecked and therefore unsellable , we need to sell it regardless – he’ll need money back to pay off his debts.. I’d be happier making a fresh start and in a smaller home with less work needed on it . I just want him out in the short term as it’s most settled for the dog and id be willing to cover all bills whereas he wouldn’t do that in a million years …he’d expect me to.still pay half , and mortgage would go to pot
But I guess he’ll refuse to go anywhere.. so might have to live under same roof for a bit until he calms down
.. maybe stop at my parents about 3 times a week … I just have to have as little contact as possible but it’s so hard he gets into my head
3rd March 2019 at 2:25 pm #73387KIP.Participant
Please don’t share the house with him. It won’t work. It will be painful, confusing and dangerous for you. I tried what you’re suggedting and it ended badly for me. Although he was arrested and removed which sadly is a very common thread on here. Try a non molestation order first. Speak to a solicitor. Most offer free initial advice. Perhaps get a non mol based on the fact he’s using illegal drugs that will put you in danger if the police find out he can say they’re yours. Try to think as an outsider. What advice would you offer to a friend going through this?
3rd March 2019 at 5:38 pm #73393IwantmebackParticipant
Hi LozzyX, I’d definately get the debt thing sorted, God only knows how much debt he’s in and the longer it goes on if he’s even used the house as collatoral. You could end up losing thousands. Don’t underestimate your oh, he’ll say anything to get him out of this situation and as KIP says probably say the drugs are yours not his. You never really know someone until they’ve got nowhere to go and they’ll say/ do anything to protect themselves. It really sounds as if you’re almost there, the very best of luck and sending you extra strength to get there💪💪
3rd March 2019 at 5:42 pm #73394
Well what a day.. without getting into detail too much for obvious reasons… But due to a separate incident police contacted me asking about his whereabouts etc … So I told them I’ve left him.and I am at my parents .. that I need to stay away from him… They agreed this would go down on record as a domestic incident and advised me on next steps should they be needed… Inc a non molestation. Order with power of arrest
So feel a bit better now spoken to police..broke the ice with them.so to speak and it offers some reasurrance that he is at least on their radar should anything further happens
.. which I really hope it doesn’t but goodness knows , it’s just pure chaos and I am sick of it
3rd March 2019 at 6:11 pm #73396
IWMB yes totally agree about sorting debt.. with regards to drugs there’s never ANY left in the house he uses it up moment he gets it.
He does have loads of prescription drugs too that don’t belong to him…I think he may get them from his work or At least some of them so if ever come to police involvement I think all evidence points to.him… as well as the agencies I’ve now.spoken to on what’s been happening – my GP, Nhs mental.health services and now police record of a domestic incident filed by me …
WA were helpful earlier so I can get legal and emotional support tomorrow …. Just so scary all this…
I did speak to him briefly earlier and to keep him calm.he thinks we are just having a break (as he wont see reason anyway) …. Just trying to buy some.time whilst work out what to do next … Long story short but it seems he has jacked his job in too so now he is home 24/7. (So difficult to go back and get any more belongings but at least all my.important paperwork a couple of changrs of clothes are with me )… Somehow I don’t think I’ll be able to.move back in 🙁
3rd March 2019 at 6:21 pm #73397IwantmebackParticipant
Kind of been pushed before you were ready, haven’t you? Is there anyone you trust to come with you to collect some things? The police could also accompany you too. If there’s a nonmol issued you could move back in. Funny how he’s given up his job, wonder if it’s anything to do with the drugs you spoke about, maybe he’s not given it up, he’s been suspended or sacked? (A bit of ‘dirty John’ there)
Wow life certainly has a way of working out just not in ways we expect it to. As you say, the police are involved now too ,he’s on their radar. I’m keeping everything crossed for you, here’s hoping you can get away from him and all this without to much s..t hitting the fan😊
Blessings to you, here’s to an end in sight, which just got a whole lot closer 💜💚
3rd March 2019 at 6:45 pm #73399EbonyRavenParticipant
Hi LozzyX, glad you’re out safe and can plan from where you are, even though it’s not the best place to be.
Be sure to ask for the power of arrest with the Non-Mol, it’s so much more effective with that. You could make the application for an occupation order as well as a non-mol together on the same form. There are lots of reasons to have him removed from the property, not least that he has no money and is using drugs there.
Are you able to get bank statements showing all the times you paid the bulk of household bills? Those might be helpful to you.
I’m glad you informed the police, the more that’s logged the better.
3rd March 2019 at 7:03 pm #73404
Yes ebony-raven there’s bank transactions that will show the monthly payments I’ve made back to him that should have been for the bills….also the money my mum has transferred to him she can provide bank statements ( although he has started paying her back , he borrowed this money behind my back …and he’s paying back at low amounts and requires nagging )
I’ve also taken some screen shots of text messages implicating him in his drug use and just generslly his emotionally abusive ways
3rd March 2019 at 8:07 pm #73408EbonyRavenParticipant
Glad you have that. Gives you more solidity for your application if you ask for one.
4th March 2019 at 7:21 am #73418
So glad I stayed away last night , given bit more time for things to sink in – all the chaos, lies …I think i really have woken up now and I’m determined to get him out of my life.
Will stay with family , it will be unsettling as I can’t stay anywhere for more than 3-4 nights at s time but it’s better than being with him and hopefully a solicitor can advise on how I can get back in my home without fear and anxiety over me the whole time
He is playing the whole victim thing with his work saying they are bullying him ! So he isn’t going back.. and he seems to think I still believe all this … Also talking more to my mum hearing the lies he has told her to tap her up for money ….at least she knows now he is a liar…
I have a horrible knot on my stomach over what he might do but at same time I feel determined .. there really is no going back now
@IWMB – the similarities between dirty John and my husband are frightening… Very very similar x
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