25th April 2016 at 4:18 pm #15247WanderingCloudParticipant
I never watch any of my programmes on the TV, anything I like I watch on the laptop because he thinks they are either boring or depressing so it isnt worth sitting through his remarks however yesterday I asked, yes asked, if I could waych one of my recorded programmes.
It started off that the volume was too loud and I had to turn it down and then the constant interuptions which just took any pleasure I was experiencing away. I then had to go put the hot water on as my mum was wanting a bath (wasnt satisfied with a shower), when I came back downstairs, he had turned my programme off and thought this was hilarious. Unfortunately I reacted though it was more of a reaction of a child and not an abuser (like he does) but he flipped his lid and went off on one with me (threw the remote on to the sofa shouting obscenaties at me) and then stormed out of the hosue. We were meant to me going out which in the end we did but only after I apologised for my unreasonable outburst. He has done nothing but bring the subject up all last night and this morning before I went to work. I feel exhausted by it all. He must not have liked what he saw, shocked maybe, he was telling me last night that if I was going to dump him, to just get it over and done with but I dont have the fight in me. Why has he been able to throw years of abuse at me and yet the minute I show a slight loss of control, I am like the devil.
25th April 2016 at 5:15 pm #15255SerenityParticipant
My abuser was like this. They can’t stand you being relaxed or peaceful, or them not being centre of attention. They don’t like you having favourite tv programmes or interests that are separate from them: they want you to reflect them completely. However, once you have given up your individuality and metamorphosed into them, they get bored as there is no more challenge!
My ex- like yours- used to try to irritate and cause unrest and to exasperate and exhaust me, by acting like an snoring bug or juvenile delinquent, and then turn into a frightening abuser when I ticked him off.
They are scary, because their irritating behaviour is like a child, yet their anger is that of a man, and they can become very threatening. It’s like a child being trapped in a man’s body- a scary combination, because they have adult physical strength but not the maturity to control their feelings.
My ex used to make me apologise for his behaviour, also.
It is because they want to constantly remind you and themselves who is top dog send who holds the power in the relationship.
You aren’t the abuser. He is.
25th April 2016 at 9:46 pm #15282Escaped not freeParticipant
Omg! My ex was EXACTLY like this. I couldn’t read a book on holiday, watch anything I wanted on to and whenever I would get to a point of @no, I’m not having this” I would be the dominating bully making everyone live by my rules…! They are unbelievably alike. Since I left him I would get messages promising Ahmed go to anger management followed by messages asking me to go to family counselling to teach ME to compromise. You honestly could not make it up! X
25th April 2016 at 6:06 pm #15260SerenityParticipant
Typing error- annoying bug not snoring bug!!!!!!
25th April 2016 at 7:16 pm #15263
Hi Wandering Cloud,
I believe the term is ‘treading on eggshells’. You’re d****d if you do and d****d if you don’t.
When things were bad in my situation the counsellor who was helping me at the time told me a very effective technique when dealing with moments just like these. She advised me to look slightly blank and ‘borderline-bored’, and keep conversation to a minimum with very neutral comments, like you are not affected at all. This is not always guaranteed to work, but it eventually did for me on many occasions. One of my abusers had four key themes, which one could boil down to: talking about how amazing they were; how they fought for social justice for oppressed people (like women and ethnic minorities); threatening self-harm or suicide if they didn’t get their meal of choice/ were not the centre of attention, etc; and making jibes about my clothing, food, background, interior design tastes, accent,etc (influenced by my social background, ethnic origin and my femininity, oddly). They often piped down after I was not very responsive to their abuse.
Yes, it’s tiring with a capital ‘T’. Is there any way you could stay at a friend’s house overnight every few months, or get away to a hotel? It looks as if you need a break from all that emotionally violent noise. You could try a sport if you can participate, but don’t do what I did and go hell-for-leather with it, using it as a displacement activity. I worked 50+ hour weeks, trained in my sport intensely for 18 hours a week, then walked around eating a packed supper in late-closing malls, and then finally went home to the threat or actual meting out of abuse each night,.depending.on who was still awake. I burned out and am still recovering years later. Treat yourself kindly and find a calm space for silence, even if it is for ten minutes a few times a day. It doesn’t have to be in a spa or forest; it can be in a public library or a quiet shop. (My places were a loo cubicle, at work, and at a clothing shop that had subdued lighting and footage of waves lapping on the shore, on a big screen!!)
Maybe you, Serenity and I should invent a snoring bug- at least we’d get a bit of peace. Autospell is trying to tell us something!
Take care and I hope you find peace of place, body, mind and spirit.
25th April 2016 at 7:21 pm #15264
Sorry, I omitted to mention that I was called ‘abusive’ for speaking up against my abusers and refusing to be their emotional punchbag. The psychology of blaming the victim is well-documented, and it has happened to everyone I know who has been subject to DV. Transference seems so common. You are not to blame.
26th April 2016 at 11:10 am #15334SuntreeParticipant
I always find it funny, NOT those who abuse say others are the abuser in an argument or as a control and throw it around like it weighs nothing.
Those who are being abused would never say to their abuser you are an abuser. And if they do on the very very rare occasions get to say this to their face, then it comes with a very heavy price.
26th April 2016 at 1:25 pm #15354WanderingCloudParticipant
Thank you for everyone’s responses. All is well at home now he thinks that I have been firmly reprimanded for my little outburst, no doubt he thinks that he wont be seeing another one for a while! Strangely he feels that I should be made to pay a sexual penance of his choice- how sickening is that.
26th April 2016 at 4:04 pm #15383
That is really sick. No doubt he said that half- jokingly.
I don’t know much about your situation, but I would try to keep your mobile phone near to you at all times, especially at night. I think that most phones have a one-touch emergency dial.
Wishing you safety, Wandering Cloud.
26th April 2016 at 4:30 pm #15392AyannaParticipant
Can you not throw this man out? Call the police if he rapes you!
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