I am free but still learning to fly alone!

[Haven]

Where do I start? I married fast…. (detail removed by moderator) and i knew from the beginning something wasn’t right. Name calling …f*****t and stupid. Non communication when I  challenged his behaviour. Regular putting me down in front of friends and family. Trying to please him constantly so he wouldn’t go into a ‘mood’. Unpredictable behaviour if we were invited out socially. Making myself and others feel uncomfortable so eventually I stopped going out. Lost friends.  The kids and I were walking on eggshells, especially when he returned from work. Critical and negative. Nothing ever good enough! Ba humbug Christmases and controlling with finances. Received a monthly income and not allowed to spend anymore. Had to input receipts on a computer system for him to check. (detail removed by moderator) Explicit emails requesting his desires. A shock!!! Wondered why he never wanted sex from me, felt unattractive. Counselling sessions!!! Forgave and worked at it…. He will change…not! The cycle of emotional abuse continues..round and round and I can’t escape. Got ill and my mental health declined. Signed off work for the first time in my life. He had me all to himself. His behaviour made me want to self harm to make it stop. My body and mind could not take it anymore. Trying to please him and make him happy. Draining and controlling. Who am I??? I am lost and trapped.

Light bulb moment ..packed a bag and left house. I have left a few times before but always felt sorry for him and returned. Not now, as my body and mind is screaming at me to leave. Left our home and sofa surfed at friends and work colleagues. Living out of bags. Had no car but my dad loaned me his, which was my lifeline.

I have had a few caseworkers and now going through the freedom programme. I left (detail removed by moderator) and have struggled to find affordable accommodation and claim UC. I have a part-time job but I don’t earn enough to pay the bills. I feel guilty that I don’t miss him. Trying to agree on finances and move on. He never stops trying to get me back. He still controls me now but I feel numb.

Hope for the future but it’s hard to make decisions and feel good in my mid 50,s. I’m scared & still doubting myself.

I am alone and awaiting my divorce. Still calling myself married when asked but not ready to take my rings off yet 💔

Many words & actions trigger me and I feel rushes of nausea if I think too deeply about my situation.

I wish I knew that I have made the right decision. We had a plan for our retirement and it’s all gone up in smoke.

 

[Better-days]

Haven what you described your marriage to be like is very similar to what I am experiencing with two young kids too. I am hoping to be out before Xmas. I absolutely am terrified so I know how much bravery it has taken to do what you have done and your words are so inspiring. You will build yourself back up stronger that u have ever been in time. I know you probably have already seeked advice about your finances but if not it would help you get on track and  if you reach out to your local woman’s aid they could guide you on your next steps. Xx

[Bananaboat]

It’s not gone up in smoke because those lovely retirement plans wouldn’t have been lovely, it would’ve meant being around that nasty, miserable controlling man 24 hours a day. It’s rough seas right now and that’s tough but also ok because jeez, you’ve started all over and that’s. Not. Easy.

Not only that but we lose all sense of who we are, what we like and who on earth to trust. If he’s still controlling you I bet two things are happening (if not many more) and firstly he’s trying all the tricks to get to back in line even if that’s beating you down to the point you’re numb and you just go ok then and return, and secondly you’re not fully free yet yet so all that funky brain stuff of the push & pull is still swirling inside.

You can’t take on the world (well you can as you’ve shown but it’s exhausting)) so could you break it into smaller chunks, probably need support and help along the way. But look at living situation – what can you do, what can you afford, perhaps a house share and are you on the council list and you may qualify as homeless. Money wise, again what’s in your control – can you work more hours, ask for a pay rise, change jobs or speak to someone for debt advice or money support – your local citizens advice maybe. I get it, it’s so overwhelming and a lot to do plus we’ve been conditioned not to speak up & that noone cares but baby steps. There will also be days you have to say ‘nope not today’ and put that list of jobs down.

You can do this. Look how far you’ve already come. What do you want your next birthday to look like, how about Christmas the year after…and work towards that xx

[Yesican]

Thanks for the post Haven and your response Bananaboat.

I like the idea of the push/pull being normal. Rather than myself feeling like an idiot for getting sucked back in. But I’m not going back in this time. I’ve blocked him everywhere although he has gotten around that in the past. I suspect he is having (another) affair so he might try again to get me back when that doesn’t work out.

I’m keeping busy and feeling sad. I’m starting the Freedom program too so I’m looking forward to that.

 

Good luck to us all.

[Haven]

Thank you everyone for your comments & encouragement. I’m on it! Done citizens advice and had caseworkers. They only take you so far then your on your own! I am the only person that can make this happen and I am moving forward to be free & start my new phase.

Baby steps indeed! I asked for extra hours with work but they can’t do. I even applied for two BIG jobs with one interview but was not successful. Learnt that the time it not right & I need to deal with one stage at a time, not too much change all at once.

Citizens advice was a wake up call when I visited them earlier this year…they asked if I still had the same email address (which was my old work email where I used to live) They had it on record of when I visited the last time I tried to leave. They printed it off for me and it really shocked me reading what I had said (detail removed by moderator) and so nothing had changed!!! Still going round & round & feeling the same.

I have been married for (detail removed by moderator) & never given up hoping for a better life, till now.

[Bananaboat]

Don’t give up hope, you’ve come a long long way. Sometimes you have to turn a lot of stones before you find the right one and it’ll start to come together.x

[Author]

Posts