I am new

[Susan apollo]

Good morning.
I am trying to phone a helpline worker. I need to establish if i have met an abusive man. I have been in a (removed by moderator) relationship which was dying. This man was kind and supportive but, would not go out with me anywhere and we lived seperately in same house for last (removed by moderator) years.
Then i met this new man x. X has swept me off my feet. ‘I will love u forever’, ‘i will love u until my last breath’ and many more wonderful words and actions. I left my (removed by moderator) relationship to be with x.

There have been 3 main incidents in our (removed by moderator) new ‘romance’
1 we went to mutual friends and had a lot to drink. We took his dog for a walk. I commented on how rough he was with the dog. His tone became very unkind, and he told me that his dog needed very firm handling. i am very sensitive about animals generally.

2 i had drinks with a friend and afterwards x he walked me home and told me how to walk down some stairs. ‘Do not hold on to the banisters, just walk down like a normal person’ again this harsh, unkind tone, he told me i need to get a grip of myself.

3 last sunday he told me i am nanipulitive, high, mighty, pious, argumentative, and many other things. He stormed out and told me to grow up. This time there was no alcohol involved. (Details removed by moderator). I am (detail removed by Moderator). I felt that i coukd make a life withis this man who ‘loved’ me.

I am confused.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi there, welcome. It sounds like there are red flags with this new man that you are noticing. The initial over the top coming on too strong idealisation, callous behaviour towards animals, invalidating your opinions and feelings, criticism of your behaviour, random malicious accusations then storming out. All very indicative of an abusive person you do not want to be involved with.

I was the same when I met my abusive ex – lots of mostly subtle red flags that I noticed but couldn’t understand as they contrasted so much with who I thought he was and he was able to explain them all away so convincingly. But in the end my intuition was 100% right, he ended up being a lying, cheating, violent misoynist after initially appearing to be the sweetest man I’d ever met. I think it’s good you’re ringing the helpine, they are extremely knowledgeable and helpful. It’s incredibly painful to realise the ‘wonderful’ man you met is not so, but it is better to know now rather than get more heavily involved. Well done for listening to your gut and posting.

[Lisa]

Hi Susan apollo
Welcome to the forum. It is good that you have been able to describe your concerns about this new man so eloquently. You have invested so much into this new relationship and put your hope and dreams for a happy future together into it. You have even left another relationship to be with him. However, it sounds like you are now recognising some controlling and abusive behaviours. Trust your instincts and although it is so disappointing to have to walk away from those hopes and dreams, it sounds as if he is not the sort of man you would want to share your life with.
Do call the the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000247 which is 24 hours and talk thorough your concerns. But most of all do not ignore these behaviours and hope they will diminish. Unfortunately some men who appear so loving and kind turn out to be perpetrators.
As Sunshine has said, you have already witnessed a number of very manipulative and abusive outbursts.
Do trust yourself and your instincts and protect yourself.
We welcome you to share your thoughts and concerns on the forum.
Best Wishes
Lisa

[Serenity]

Hi There,

Walk away!

My ex initially said very loving and flowery things to me, such as that he ‘couldn’t bear it if I died before him.’ Over a decade down the line, I sense that he planned to do the dirty deed himself!

He was also very rough with our dog, who was a rescue pet and had experienced enough hardship. My ex used to yank his lead and make him work hard for his food. They say you can tell an abuser by how he treats animals and the vulnerable.

My ex used to comment on everything I did: the clothes I wore, how fast I walked ( too slowly, apparently); how I walked, how I drove…

How dare they think they have the right to invade our boundaries like that and cross the line?

It won’t get better; it will just get worse.

I wish I had got out at the beginning. x

[she-ra]

Hello lovely,

I agree with the other ladies, I wish I had noticed the red flags in the beginning and was not where I am now years and years later. If there are things that just don’t sit right with you please listen to your gut, don’t make excuses/explanations for his behaviour, leave while you can. As you said you thought you’d found someone to spend the rest of your life with, you will find someone again, someone who isn’t unkind to you. Be safe x*x

[Confused123]

hi hun

red flags flashing up. trust your gut and i would end relationship

[Susan apollo]

My goodness. thank you sisters. I spoke with a lady on the helpline who helped me rationalise these and many other incidents. She alerted me to the ‘brainwashing’ tactics of abusive men. This man has many issues and was beginning to work at chipping away my self esteem and my understanding of reality. He told me ‘you are so far removed from reality it’s untrue’.
I’m trying to spend lots of time with friends and family I’ve known for many years. I’ve told as many people as I can the whole story, as I have realised I was already beginning to edit the whole relationship and cover for his bad behaviour.
I’m tired and vulnerable but working on really understanding just how much I’ve dodged a bullet.
doesn’t mean to say that I’m not still thinking of him and wanting to contact him though.

[Susan apollo]

So what on earth is this over the top and strong idealization at the beginning of the relationship all about? He told me it was ‘for ever’ and that he had my back 110%. How/why could he go from this to such anger and hate so quickly? I try to love everyone and help them out, there are many special people in my life, friends etc and they tell me I’m not a horrid person. I know he has addiction problems/ex prison/abandonment issues and he told me he was a reformed character and into buddism and helping others. He even goes round picking up litter and talking in depth about nature. I feel like I have now abandoned him and he is going to be in a mess. It’s like I can hear how stupid I’m being and I am torn.

[Confused123]

Hi Hun

Try reading the book why doe she do it by bancroft and the dominator by pat craven, gives u a real insight on how they behave

[Confused123]

meant why does he do it

[Ribena]

Please please listen to your gut instinct. This man is showing you many, many red flags. I had many of these early in my relationship too and because he could be so delightful and charming I chose to ignore them. It got a lot worse for me than a few red flags down the line. Hard as it may be, don’t try to save him if he is “in a mess”. He may well be but it’s not your responsibility, and he will not change. Believe the other ladies, best thing you can do is walk away, and don’t look back.

[Susan apollo]

Thank you Ribena

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