I am new and I am tired and froghtened

[Rainbowsandflowers]

so far I am deemed to be high risk so I have been discussed at 2 MARAC meetings. These multi-agency meetings are effectively useless, because when I need support like on days like today I can’t get any.

The abuser keeps threatening to kill me, or to leak explicit photos to my family, and I have been strangled a few times. I am physically and mentally exhausted.

We don’t have much contact, but he seems to be able to read my emails, and he has been threatening me to not reveal who is behind all the abusive emails I have been getting. My job has been investigating these emails and they want me to name the sender today.

I am scared about what will happen if I do that- considering all the death threats and injuries

So……..here goes

I hate myself for getting into a stupid relationship

I hate myself for not having more friends in real life who could support me

I hate myself for letting myself become so isolated

The police just do paper work, but don’t offer practical help- When I phoned the safeguarding unit yesterday they told me I had to wait until Saturday

I hate myself for being scared- maybe if I just tell them his name nothing bad will happen this time

I hate him for existing

I hate my job, for saying it was my responsibility to name him, without any consideration for my personal safety.

(detail removed by moderator)- I wouldn’t have to deal with his nonsense anymore

[Sad and alone]

I am so sorry you are going through this, it sounds extremely stressful.
Have you tried contacting women’s aid via their chat service? Or are you in touch with a local DA service? They could both give you advice and help make a plan which would be better as then you would have something to focus on. At the moment it seems there are different sources of stress from your partner, your work, and the police not being proactive. Again, women’s aid could prob give you some good first steps to think about and pursue if you felt ready.
On the subject of your emails, can you change your password if you think he has access? Or maybe just create a new account with another provider and use that? If you’re getting inappropriate emails at work it’s feasible to say they found out themselves without you telling them but it’s whether your partner would believe that.
I understand all the points you say you hate. A lot of the women here feel exactly the same, myself included. It’s hard to understand when you look back how you let it all happen. But the important thing is you’re recognising it now, and you can turn that hate around and use it to give you power to start moving out of the situation you are in and on to better things.
Stay strong, just by being here and sharing proves you are. Keep posting xx

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