23rd June 2020 at 3:41 am #107324tavarishParticipant
I am new to this forum. I have been feeling very lost and I am glad that I found this space to share my thoughts and to try to get better. I felt sad to read that so many women have suffered abuse but in a way, I feel also supported. Sometimes I wonder if this was really abuse, then I realize that in fact, it was, then I get in denial again.
I was in an abusive relationship for (detail removed by Moderator) years. After dating for some years, I married him at (detail removed by Moderator) and now I am divorcing him at (detail removed by Moderator). I feel very down and sad, that my marriage didn’t work out and that he was aggressive to me. I feel also a bit embarrassed with my family and friends. I really struggle to talk about it.
He pushed and shoved me. Towards the end, he was also aggressive to me in front of others. At (detail removed by Moderator), he pushed me and grabbed my arm in front of my friends. A friend had to step in front of him so he could calm down. It was really embarrassing for me. He was also extremely jealous, he got in fights a couple of times. We were talking in a group and a guy told him that he is so lucky to have a wife like me that likes (detail removed by Moderator). Next, he attacked him. Bouncers came and took him out of the place.
He is not all bad all of the time, we had many good moments and he was sometimes apologetic when he was mean; but there were 2 incidents that made me leave him. One time, I got drunk and start crying and told him in front of his friend, (detail removed by Moderator), that I did not want to go back with him; next day I felt bad I did all this scene, so I asked him if we could do something to make it better, he told me he wanted to do something specific in sex, I told him I didn’t feel comfortable and that it hurt me, and he said..”(detail removed by Moderator)” So I continued.
The worst thing he did is to almost force me to have sex with him, while he was on top of me, he opened my legs several times after I closed them, he opened them strongly hurting me and said “(detail removed by Moderator)” and kept them open, I wanted to close them back and he was forcing them to be open. I was afraid that he was going to rape me or something, so I kicked him and run. He apologized and told me it was my fault, that I ruined his mind. Then, I felt that I was in danger.
After a few months, I left him and came to my parent’s place. He talked to my parents and begged me to come back, etc etc. I left (detail removed by Moderator) to work and I left him for good. He kept messaging me and harassing me with horrible messages for over (detail removed by Moderator). Telling me that all was my fault, that I left him and embarrassed him. All the attacks were my fault. This makes me very sad because he has not realized what he has done to me and why I left our marriage.
Now, I have filled out the divorce papers because I can’t carry on like this, he has disrespected me in some many ways. However, I still feel very insecure sometimes… sometimes I doubt about the abuse he has done to me. I feel it is all a bad dream. I feel shy and scared to talk to my friends about it. My wider family doesn’t know about my divorce or that he was an abuser. However, he did tell all his family and friends that I was a s**t and that I abandoned him to travel the world. I am talking to a therapist and doing some reiki sessions but I still have nightmares. I just don’t know how to handle these feelings.
Thank you for having this forum and allowing me to share this here.
23rd June 2020 at 7:14 am #107327KIP.Participant
Hello and welcome. My advice is to go total zero contact. Block him on everything and if he persists with contact then please contact the police. You do not have to put up with this further abuse from him. Contact your local women’s aid for support. Is your therapist trained in domestic abuse? This is really important for you as you need someone who totally understands the dangers and the dynamics of domestic abuse. Discrediting victims is a typical move by abusers. He’s hoping that if his abuse is discovered then he’s already discredited you so no one will believe you. It’s easy to doubt the abuse because we don’t want to accept it so our brain pushes it to the back. Try writing a journal of all the abusive episodes you can remember and how they made you feel. Expect his abuse to get worse when he knows you’re divorcing him so block him in everything and let the solicitor deal with him. Make
Sure your solicitor is well versed on domestic abusers and won’t be messed around. Women’s aid can help here too. Have a read at Healing from Hidden Abuse (book). And talk to rape crisis helpline. Coercing you into sexual activity is illegal. You may want to report him at some point x
23rd June 2020 at 7:55 pm #107396tavarishParticipant
Thanks for reading my text and your advice. I really appreciate it.
Yes, I have blocked him; I also asked his family to make sure, he blocks me. I didn’t want to have more contact with him. So, I haven’t received any messages from him during the divorce process; which is good because it helps me heal but at the same time I still have all those thoughts.
I started to write a journal but I stopped because every time I write, I just end up crying, and it kind of ruins my whole day; but you are right, I should do it again.
Yes, my therapist is trained in that; and she helped me to realised that I was abused before I couldn’t even talk about it. Thanks for asking.
I just wanted to do the divorce as soon as possible, so I just divorced because we separated and also because he was not going to accept any of the abuse, and I don’t want to be divorcing him for a long time. I just wanted to be done. But yes, I did put a police report. So my lawyer advised me, that after the divorce, I could carry on with the investigation, once I am calmer and I have already sorted out the divorce papers. He said that I can divorce him, but I still have the right to defend myself after. I felt this was the best decision to deal with one thing at a time.
I am still doubting to continue with the report tho because I am scared to say it all again, his family was not really understanding, and excused his son. Probably because of what you say, that he lied about me to discredit me so they wouldn’t believe what he did. I am scared because I think they would want to hurt me or discredit me even more.
Oh, that is great to know. Would Women’s aid be able to advise me regarding the police report?
Thank you so much again for your text. I really needed to read this and feel supported.
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