I am new (to all of this)

[bunsandcakes]

Hi ladies,

Thank you for accepting my request to join and for listening/reading what I am about to write. I live with my partner and we have children, not married. I always realised my partner had a TERRIBLE temper but I never realised I was living through the nightmare of domestic abuse. I very recently, 2-3 months, confided in some friends and family they were the ones who labelled this ‘thing’ as emotional abuse. I didn’t even see it! I feel like I was run over 5 years ago and just realised all my bones are broken, its a horrible horrible feeling and I feel terrible guilt that I didnt notice and allowed myself to have children with this person. This evening, for example, I have been shouted at because he wanted to eat an egg with his supper and I had eaten the last one for breakfast.. I got told I wasn’t normal, that I am a train wreck to be around, that I leave piles of stuff everywhere.. when I told him to stop bullying me and being abusive he started yelling at me that my mum is visiting tomorrow and that if I tell them he is abusive “S*it will really hit the fan.. I will…” to which I said “please don’t threatern me” and he said “you had better believe that is a threat”. All this over 1 egg.

It is a daily list of my failings and it has progressively got a lot worse to the point he calls me fat, ugly, stupid, no manners, dont know how to clean, he belittles me in front of my family.. he found out I tell my parents how bad things have got and now doesnt want me to contact them and has told me they are not welcome here. He has no family in the UK and has cut off all his friends and started a job at home so he has NO ONE but me to talk to and it’s now got out of hand to the point I am scared, no terrified of him. I am so scared to do anything because I know he will yell at me in front of our children and I feel like I cannot take any more of that.

I went to the solicitors today but I have no savings and a very very small salary (he has a lot of money though) and the options are bleak as he has no income, money yes income no, so I wouldnt get maintanance. I cannot aford housing to leave. I feel trapped. What is worse is he has put a vast amount of money into building a place to work on our property and it hasn’t even opened yet. If I left, he couldnt aford to buy me out, we’d have to sell and he’d have no career and would have lost THOUSANDS of pounds.

Trapped is the only word I can use. And desperately sad.

Any advice hugely appreciated, I dont know where to turn, I dont have family nearby and Ive JUST settled our son into school locally.

[mixed-up mum]

Hi Buns and cakes!!!! 🙂 Welcome – and well done for taking this first big step!!! 🙂

You have done the right thing by joining us – the ladies here are so supportive.

Yes I fully understand how you can live in that situation and not realise it is abuse, I did too, and it took me in the teens of years to finally pluck up the courage to leave him. So its not always easy just to do it ‘overnight’.
Only YOU will know when you are ready to do it. 🙂

You just get used with living the way you do – and somehow it becomes ‘normal’ – but its NOT normal, that’s the thing.

Sorry got to go – do more later!!

[mixed-up mum]

Hi I’m back!! 🙂

Everything has to be done on their terms – it had to be done their way, how were you supposed to be able to look in to the future and know at breakfast time that he would want the egg for his tea!!
But that is what they expect, that’s how you are supposed to live doing everything for them – its all got to be about them.
They belittle you to make you feel stupid and make you feel worthless, its all part of the big plan to keep you there with them, under their control.
Then they start to turn your friends and family away from you to further isolate you – that way if no one sees what is going on he can’t be exposed for the abuser he is….

There will never be a right time to leave him, but I got to the stage I knew I had to do it, I had to get me and the kids away, I was scared to make myself homeless, I was scared we’d have no money, but I just had to do it, it got to the stage I could take no more.
We were homeless, but things worked out in the end, and we don’t have much money, but we can just about keep our heads above the water, we are ‘getting by’ – but the main thing is we are free now – free to do what we want when we want – I am safe in my bed at nights and that means a lot.

Don’t feel sorry for him – if he has money then how come he can’t buy you out?

What you have to think about now is you and your children, you are the ones who are important – not him.

He had his chance to be a good partner/dad and he blew his chance – he is to blame – not you.

Your family will be there for you I’m sure, in times like this they will rally around you – they will be there to help you.

Good luck, stay strong, you will do what’s right for you and your children when the time is right for you.

Keep posting on here when you need help – these ladies are great.

[marblesgone]

As above, so sorry you are going through all this. I have just come out of an abusive relationship with a very intimidating guy. I so hope you can get the help you need to leave. Get all your friends and family around you and get their support. I was left with all the debt bills Tec to pay and have yet to unravel it all. But me and my daughter are away and I feel blessed everyday that we wake up without the underlying atmosphere, although I am still terrified that he hasn’t yet finished with me. Stay strong.xx

[Confused123]

Hey Hun
Well done for finding this site, u will get loads of support on here, isnt it horrible how they make a mountain out of nothing, again has to be all about them, call womens aid on here, let them know about your scenario and ask for a support worker to help u get out or get him out. If your mums coming down hun, tell her , he doesnt need to know u had word with her, ask her for support, get advise, build a network of support, tell your friends the scenario u r in, again he is testing boundaries how much he can get away with. its good u recognise behaviour is wrong, dont worry lots of us have had kids with these monster and regret not having the kids but regret the realtionship with the monsters. Read the book why does he do it by lundy bancroft, will be eye opener for u, its them not us in the wrong, will try posting again later as have to go now

[bunsandcakes]

Hi ladies,

Thank you so much for taking the time to write, I am so sorry it has taken me AGES to reply. We had a ‘talk’ where I was honest about being keener to go than stay but that I still hoped he could change and we could work it out. He did admit he is depressed and feels he has no friends – that was a good start. I told him to go away for a week and get some space to think about what he wanted and how / if he could change. I said if things don’t then I won’t stay. I was really surprised that he actually didnt yell for once, he was just calm. He is coming home tonight and my kids were sick the WHOLE TIME he was gone!!! Ive had about 3 hours sleep a night and drowned in poopie nappies and bedding washing but I feel OK and proud that, even though things were SUPER TOUGH I did survive the week alone. I am looking forward to having some help but not necessarily him personally being back. I feel a lot more empowered since getting things so out in the open. I have told my parents and they are very supportive as are the few friends I have now told.

I don’t feel ready to ‘leave’ at the moment but I have looked into some local houses and found out my options. I had to pay a solicitor for some advice which was expensive but worth it I think. I will be calling womens aid if it goes that route, thank you for suggesting that.

You are all such brave women, it is inspiring reading your posts and that you CAN DO IT! I feel empowered just saying/typing it to be honest. Its been 4 years since I felt I could do anything, 5 or more since I felt I was good at anything. Now I am starting to see that I AM a great mum and I dont have to put up with unhappy men in my life. It feels terrifying and good at the same time…
x

[mixed-up mum]

Hi Buns&Cakes – yes I have to agree with the others – they don’t change – when I was with him we too had ‘the big talk’ on many occasions – and oh yes he would try harder – he would change – well that never happened……

Mine was a loner too – his family are spread all over & 100s of miles away – as for friends he has none – hes not a likable character, so full of ‘attitude’ and the ‘I’m always right, know it all’ way that he talks to folks. He is quite unpopular at his work, so has no ‘workmates’, which meant that every evening and every weekend he was with us all the time, he had no intrests outside the home.
As Marthamoo says, mine too liked all the attention to be on him and begrudged me spending time with the kids, made me feel guilty- like my sole role in life was to see to all of his wants and needs.

You have proved that you are capable of looking after the kids on your own, you know yourself that it has not been easy with them so ill – but YOU DID IT – YOU COPED!!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂

I’d be this first to admit that it’s not easy and it will be a rollercoaster ride – with lots of ups and downs – but YOU CAN DO IT – and the feeling of FREEDOM is SO worth it!!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂

You will know in your heart when enough is enough and its time to call it a day – but there is only so many times you can ‘try again’ before you just know he is never going to change….

It’s good have told you family and a few good friends and you know you have their support – its good to have your family behind you and know they are there for you.

Good luck – let us know how you are doing. 🙂

Best wishes M.U.M. x*x

[Marthamoo]

Hi bunsandcakes. Emotional abuse is so so hard to spot. It can be so subtle and it sneaks up on you out of no where. Your partner sounds like mine, and like so many others on here. One thing that struck me about your post was the fact that your partner doesn’t have his family close by and that he has chosen to distance himself from his friends. My husband is very similar to that. He has family close but doesn’t bother with them. He has slowly let his friends slip away, although some have said they have walked away due to his attitude an opinionated ways. Like you, me and my children are his sole source of company and entertainment. It is so very very draining and I think it puts us even more in the spotlight than most. It also makes it very difficult for us to spend anytime away from home, or even spend quality time with our children because he thinks all our attention should be focused on him and his needs.

You will ‘leave’ if and when you are ready but in the mean time keep building on the confidence and empowerment you have found this week. By doing so will make your life brighter while you decide what you want to do xx

[Confused123]

Hey HUn

So glad to hear this, yes sadly they cant change,please continue taking steps to leave him,we r not responsible for them and there depression, there is never a right time to leave, u will know when the right time is for u, already u sound strong , keep a support network open ,dont keep this to yourself , report to gp, even if u not planning onleaving get marked on records, it will help u later on

[bunsandcakes]

Hi ladies,

Long pause from me… but Im still sat in the same situ. Things, on the whole, have been a bit less volatile but every single ‘special occasion’ i can think of is ruined by him. My daughter (removed by moderator) and we spent the whole morning screaming and kids were crying all because he heard us all wake up and he chose not the get out of bed and then when me and my son sang her happy bday (removed by moderator) he said we had ruined everything because he wasnt there! My son (removed by moderator) and my partner didn’t help me with anything then started calling me names in front of my mom.. he said I was manic and being crazy etc… my mum tried to stick up for me by saying, ‘I dont think she is’ and he yelled at her. Then my dad (not with mum anymore) walked in and told him not to yell and his behavious was disgraceful and my partner slammed his fists on the table and said ‘(removed by moderator)’. My dad is a frail (removed by moderator) year old man and he cried. My partner then went on to make them all apologise to HIM for THEIR behaviour which they did to try and calm things down and help me. I had to do the whole kids party with this lurking in the background and him not speaking to me and giving me nasty looks. He yells at me and the kids all the time. I wish I could leave but I cant face it yet. I have no money, no job, no childcare.. I LOVE my house, its my dream home. I spend all my time doing up the garden and we have pets etc… how would I leave it all behind?! AHHHH. He said he would do councilling but of course he hasnt had time…. 🙁

[mixed-up mum]

Hiya Bunsandcakes – good to hear from you again and hear how you are doing, I’m sorry to hear things are no better….. 🙁

But yes these men don’t change – promises, promises……

Well I remember how every special day was ruined with the constant ‘attitude’….he seem to delight in spoiling what SHOULD BE nice family days spent together making nice memories….
You know I look back on my years spent with him, and all my memories are sad, unhappy memories, I can’t remember any good days…..

Every holiday, every Christmas, every birthday – he would manage to do or say something to spoil the day and upset me, the kids or generally anyone who got in his way!!!

Me mam did try and defend me too against him, but I had to ask her to stay out of it, fot I didn’t want her getting involved and getting hurt too.

You will leave when you are ready – when the time is right for you – we all get to the stage whete we just KNOW the time is right and we can take no more…..

I was scared too , and I will admit money is tight – but we get by – and the freedom is worth it… 🙂

Would HE move out??

Sorry got to go now – but keep chatting….here for you.

x*x

[bunsandcakes]

Mixed up mum – thank you for these courage giving words. I get stuck in a loop of ‘I should leave for the good of my kids..’ then ‘If I leave I will tear everything we’ve all worked for apart’ to guilt that Im thinking this way…the just ‘I need to go’ but I don’t. I am sure the day will come though, sadly. I find myself thinking about meeting a really nice boring man who loves kids and would look after me.. run me the occasional bath and tell me I look nice when I make an effort. Its so weird that I fantasise about something so boring and what should be obvious in a relationship! I dream about a not very good looking man to sweep me off my feet by just being ‘nice’ to me. My sensible side see’s thats not right but my other side says ‘look down keep pressing forward, get on with life, do things, keep busy, it will all work out fine’. How long have you been away from your situ now?

Malaya – Im so sorry you are going through the same kind of thing though I dont know HOW you deal with disability and an autistic son as well. You are a HERO to go through all this and keep being a great mum – I know I dont know you but the fact you put him at the top of your reasons to stay, I can see how much you care. I would love my OH to leave but he bought the house with all his money – I never had money, he had shares in a company which gave him enough for the deposit on our lovely house. I thought I’d be married by now but he has never asked me. We have 2 kids but he doesn’t really love me. I didnt think I’d be coming (removed by moderator) with 2 kids and not married. I get sad sometimes when I think I dont/wont have a photo of myself getting married to look back on… more so than the wedding itself, just having a photo of a life milestone. So weird. Hey ho…

[Malaya]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m in a very similar position although I can’t leave as I’m disabled and my house is adapted for my needs, plus my son is autistic and taking him out of his home would crucify him

I hate every moment my husband is around, it’s tense, it’s like waiting for a bomb to explode. I constantly have to think what I’m saying and how I’m saying it so I don’t set him off. I’m so sorry he acts like that in front of your children, that’s so sad

Your poor parents, they must be worried sick. At least they have seen what he’s like, you have a witness. Log everything down, that’s what I’ve been advised to do. I’m keeping a diary with a password on my iPad and I’ve changed my iPad password to one he couldn’t guess. I’m trying to pluck up the courage to phone Womens aid but I’m too anxious!

When we were young girls running around with mum’s net curtains on our head imagining we were marrying Prince Charming, this was not what any of us planned was it?

[bunsandcakes]

Malaya – Im so sorry you are going through the same kind of thing though I dont know HOW you deal with disability and an autistic son as well. You are a HERO to go through all this and keep being a great mum – I know I dont know you but the fact you put him at the top of your reasons to stay, I can see how much you care. I would love my OH to leave but he bought the house with all his money – I never had money, he had shares in a company which gave him enough for the deposit on our lovely house. I thought I’d be married by now but he has never asked me. We have 2 kids but he doesn’t really love me. I didnt think I’d be coming (removed by moderator) with 2 kids and not married. I get sad sometimes when I think I dont/wont have a photo of myself getting married to look back on… more so than the wedding itself, just having a photo of a life milestone. So weird. Hey ho…

[mixed-up mum]

Hi again – just read the bit above and wanted to say – you are missing NOTHING by not having the wedding – I had the wedding – the white dress, bridesmaid, flower girl – and a reception for 100 people (all that we could afford as we paid for it all ourselves) and at the end of the day yes I have the video – yes I have the photos – but the man I loved then and married, no longer exists…..

Once our kids where born and he was no longer the ‘centre of my life’ and he had to share me – THATS when it all started – the controlling – the sexual abuse – the isolation (cutting me off from friends and family) and he became unrecognisable as the man I fell in love with and married….

We are not yet divorced – I still have my rings – I still have the dress – I still have the ‘bit of paper’ that says Im married – but we can never live together ever again – IM FREE now and there is NO going back….. EVER!!!

So please don’t fret about a wedding – I had it – I have the rings, video, photos and certificate to prove it – but marriage meant something different to him – or he would never have treated me the way he did – he didn’t love me – not treating me like that – you don’t do what he did to me if to the person you love…. oh he’d SAY he loved me – but saying it is one thing – SHOWING it is another…….

[Serenity]

Hi There,

Just don’t close your eyes to things. I was and am in love with my house. I spent hours and precious pennies making it into a dream home. All the time, he was stashing money away and keeping me at zero, then overnight tried to out into action a plan that he thought would mean I lost home and he would be left with thousands. He didn’t care that I loved my home or that my kids felt secure there. It was that he ( I quote) felt a need to “reshuffle his life. ”

I was too naive and too busy being aworkingvmum to weigh up his behaviour. He had in fact carried out a long and calculated plan to immobilise me when the day came when he chose to go.

As KIP says, line up your soldiers, be prepared, get advice, gain security. They begin being nice to keep you there longer- but they are still calculatedly planning.

I don’t mean to scare or dash your peace- I just don’t want others to be blindsided like I was. Don’t trust them. If they have savings, in their mind they are secure and free to act. If you are low on money, they see you as immobilised and weak. Get advice.

PS I took mine to court over finances and the weasel lost. They think they are clever- they aren’t.

[Ayanna]

You need to kick him out of the house and keep the house. Call Rights of Women, get advice from Women’s Aid, get free legal advice. Find a way to take the house and make him homeless and pay maintenance for you and the kids. Be as nasty as you can be. Do not feel sorry. Destroy him. He does not deserve any kindness. Go to war like a general and defeat him to the ground. x*x

[bunsandcakes]

I don’t want to be at war, I dont like confrontation. I just want PEACE. It sounds ridiculous but ultimately Id rather give up everything for some peace than go to war for the sake of a house. If I do leave, I hope one day we can be friends and stay great parents as he is good with them (in limited doses).

[Malaya]

Hi buns
Just wanted to check in with you and see how you’re doing xx

[mixed-up mum]

Hiya Bunsandcakes – sorry never go back to you yesterday – didn’t get home ’til late.

Leaving is something you just do when you know the time is right and you can take no more.
I put it off and put it off for the teens of years, too scared to do anything, didn’t want to do it to the kids. I felt guilty about breaking up the marriage, and then bringing them up in a broken home, but I also felt guilty staying and making them live in that atmosphere – it wasn’t good for kids to be living with a moody controlling father, and a miserable, depressed mother…..

He refused to let me and the kids have the family home, and so in the end I was forced, in to making the kids and myself homeless, but it’s funny how things work out – it was meant to be…..a good friend came to my rescue with somewhere to stay,

We then had to wait only 9mths to get a council house in the area we wanted, and that was meant to be too…..there are VERY few council houses with 3 bedrooms in this area, and a friend of mine moved away to live with a new partner, her house became available, and here we are – we were so lucky – and I LOVE my little council house.
I’m safe here, its my own little sanctuary, and I have peace of mind now, I’m safe in my bed at nights.

I will say it’s no ‘walk in the park’ being a single parent – money is tight – bit all the same you learn to cope – you get by – and you just need to ask for help, and accept any and all offers of help.

Help with the kids, help with furniture, help with money, help from Women’s Aid, they will give you loads of support and advice.

I’m a couple of years down the line now and during the first 6mth- to a year I relied so much on support from friends and family, its times like this you find out who is there for you, and who your true friends are.

I will never regret leaving, but I do regret I stayed with him way too long…..I wanted out but he wouldn’t do the decent thing and give US the family home – I was terrified to leave – I felt trapped – I even wished he would die just so I could be free of the abuse – but I did get away eventually and we are free now, and life is so much happier and relaxed – we do what we want, when we want.

You will do it too when you are ready – no one can tell you to do it it’s got to be your choice and your decision when the time is right.

Keep chatting.

x*x

[bunsandcakes]

Thank you so much for your honesty and for sharing such painful memories, I hope you are OK and I didn’t drag anything up that has upset you. This has been really helpful. Ironically I am not one of those possession driven people and get most of my stuff I love most from carboots and charity shops so I know I would cope in the long term.. I also do 90% of the childcare anyway so again I dont think that would feel tooooo shocking to go it alone (HARDDDDDD work but not massively different from now). Its just reaching that push point where you just know you have done everything you can to make it work and it isnt. Anyway, Im not there. Yet.

I too dream about how much better life would be if he just died. That feels SO horrible to write, I havent told anyone that before. I dont mean that I would ever hurt him OR WANT him to REALLY die, i just know it would solve a lot of problems. But equally I wouldnt want my kids to not have a dad, he is a good dad most of the time.

Mainly I just dream about meeting a really nice but boring guy who adores me and looks after me and my kids. lol

Thanks again, talking does help. x

[Whathaveidone]

Hi bunsandcake, you literally could be me writing except I don’t have children but nevertheless still feel the same. I literally just wrote a post today before reading your thread about how my partner is using suicide threats to control me and I never used to but now feel that actually he would be doing me a favour because I want out but I just can’t leave. I never thought I would ever say such a thing about anyone.

I always dreamt of meeting my Prince Charming (which I thought I did initially), being with the same person and growing old together, having the big fancy wedding with the dress and bridesmaids and everything. My mum didn’t get that, she went through 2 horrific marriages- one of which I grew up in- so I wanted to learn from her experience and make sure I don’t repeat it but guess what…i’ve found myself in pretty much the same mess with the exception of physical violence (which I’m scared it might escalate to in the future if I don’t leave soon enough). I always wanted to mary him but he said we probably wouldn’t but we’d be together for ever. I was so sad that I wouldn’t get the big wedding but now I don’t want to marry him. I will never ask him but I’m scared he might ask me one day because how will I say no?

Now I find myself, like you, fantasizing over a normal guy and a normal relationship. A person who I feel I can genuinely talk to, that allows me to have friends, someone that I look forward to going out with, that I feel would contribute to a happy home if we had children, someone who wouldn’t care if I went out when I wanted to, who would allow me to wear what I want, eat what I want, speak as I want without the constant fear of being crticised on every tiny pointless thing, have my own opinions, would let me learn how to drive, would let me see my family and not force me to take care of them and effctively control them to his liking, would let me carry on with my education, would not blame me for his faults or the faults of others and everything else, would not be so f******* paranoid about every d**n thing…the list goes on.

Now it’s like I’m stuck in limbo. I know I need to end the relationship but I’ve planned my whole life with this guy (or he planned my whole life with him – he effectively groomed and coerced me into a relationship with him without me even realising it). I don’t know where I would begin. I’m looking at myself and thinking how many more years? What if we get married? What if we have children, would they deserve this? I’m just scared. My thoughts just keep going round and round in circles.

[mixed-up mum]

Hiya – no you have not upset in in the least – Im long enough out that its all in the past now, and I can easily speak about it all.

I do still very much have good days and bad days – so I can be up and down – but I just have to remind myself how it was living with him – and I do realise how much better my life is now – that no mater how bad things get (moneywise) Im still better off away from him!!!

Yeah Im the same Im not a ‘proud person’ and Im happiest buying from Car Boots and Charity shops too!!! 🙂

When I left the house I left with only what we could carry in a few cases and black bags – I left him with everything else – possessions don’t matter to me – I just keep scouring the boot sales and charity shops ’til I find what I need.
When we moved in here my Aunty bought me a washer as a moving in gift – but all the rest is second hand – bought from a local Facebook page where people buy and sell second hand stuff.
So there I got my cooker, fridge freezer, table and chairs, chest of drawers, beside cabinets, suite, TV nest of tables – all at a very reasonable price.
Me mam offered to buy me a new freezer at Xmas (as I live out in a rural area – and tend to stock up on cheap offers and reduced items at the supermarkets – so needed more freezer space) anyway on Sunday on Facebook a saw a second hand freezer, and I got it – I just REFUSE to buy anything at full price – whither it be food (reduced items and special offers) – or household items (from Facebook) – why pay more for something new when you can get something perfectly good second-hand – as I say Im not too proud to buy second hand.
And now all I own is MINE and he has NO claim on any of it – I have my little council house and all my own possessions – it might not look like much to some people – but to ME its everything – its independence!!!
I don’t want a posh ‘show home’ with everything brand new, and the best of everything and all clinical and spotless – no – MY HOME IS A HOME – its LIVED IN – and its comfy and relaxing – and its just my home……

Yes I too did all the childcare – I went to parents nights – did the homework – went to concerts – and sports days – he had no interest in ANY of that – so as you say to be honest – it was not much difference to what I do now.
I did all the coking – all the cleaning – all the washing and ironing – so again – no difference form now really….. oh he THOUGHT he helped – he’d make a token effort to tidy up – but never any cleaning as such.

So when I actually think about it I WAS basically a single parent when I was living with him – only difference now is the money – I don’t have the brains to better myself and I don’t have a good job with good money – so Im struggling.
The thing is I did not bring my two children in to this world thinking I was going to be a single parent – when I married I married for life – not thinking one day Id have to survive on my own and support two teenagers……..

I know its a horrible thing to say – but when I was trapped in that marriage and SO desperate to get out, (and HE wouldn’t leave) I was SO miserable, and SO unhappy, I would wish he was gone (that he’d have an accident or and illness and be out of our lives for good) – then Id be free – Id have the house and Id be getting benefits and help, being a widow – and Id get help and support from people – and though I hate to admit it I really wished he was gone – and we could be free and happy…..
He wasn’t a good husband OR father – so there never were good/happy times…..
As you say I never told anyone of those thoughts and feelings I had – but I did have them when the abuse was never-ending and I thought I wasn’t strong enough to leave him.

But thats all by-the-by now – I left him and I AM FREE NOW!!!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂

As you say all I ever wanted was to have someone care about me, and be nice to me, and love me, and be a good dad – he did none of that – so there was no point in holding on to a loveless, abusive marriage…

Keep chatting – good to hear from you. 🙂

x*x

[Malaya]

Hi bunsandcakes and mixed up mum

It sounds awful wishing someone dead I know but that just shows how desperate the situation has got
I’m really scared about being a single mum and whether I’ll cope but like my carer friend said to me today, coping will be easier when you haven’t got him dragging you down, making you feel nervous and anxious all the time and telling you you’re useless at everything

Hope you’re having good day today x

[Whathaveidone]

Hi bunsandcake, you literally could be me writing except I don’t have children but nevertheless still feel the same. I literally just wrote a post today before reading your thread about how my partner is using suicide threats to control me and I never used to but now feel that actually he would be doing me a favour because I want out but I just can’t leave. I never thought I would ever say such a thing about anyone.

I always dreamt of meeting my Prince Charming (which I thought I did initially), being with the same person and growing old together, having the big fancy wedding with the dress and bridesmaids and everything. My mum didn’t get that, she went through 2 horrific marriages- one of which I grew up in- so I wanted to learn from her experience and make sure I don’t repeat it but guess what…i’ve found myself in pretty much the same mess with the exception of physical violence (which I’m scared it might escalate to in the future if I don’t leave soon enough). I always wanted to mary him but he said we probably wouldn’t but we’d be together for ever. I was so sad that I wouldn’t get the big wedding but now I don’t want to marry him. I will never ask him but I’m scared he might ask me one day because how will I say no?

Now I find myself, like you, fantasizing over a normal guy and a normal relationship. A person who I feel I can genuinely talk to, that allows me to have friends, someone that I look forward to going out with, that I feel would contribute to a happy home if we had children, someone who wouldn’t care if I went out when I wanted to, who would allow me to wear what I want, eat what I want, speak as I want without the constant fear of being crticised on every tiny pointless thing, have my own opinions, would let me learn how to drive, would let me see my family and not force me to take care of them and effctively control them to his liking, would let me carry on with my education, would not blame me for his faults or the faults of others and everything else, would not be so f******* paranoid about every d**n thing…the list goes on.

Now it’s like I’m stuck in limbo. I know I need to end the relationship but I’ve planned my whole life with this guy (or he planned my whole life with him – he effectively groomed and coerced me into a relationship with him without me even realising it). I don’t know where I would begin. I’m looking at myself and thinking how many more years? What if we get married? What if we have children, would they deserve this? I’m just scared. My thoughts just keep going round and round in circles.

[bunsandcakes]

Im sorry you are going through it too. Some days, I feel I have the strength to get out and some days, I dont. As time is going on though I feel more and more like I just want to go. I dont want my kids growing up in this sour environment. Ive also started having half a cigarette here and there… I HATE smoking. He smokes. Its getting to me. Im finding the pressure is making me into something I dont like.

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