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    • #50288
      Auntsally
      Participant

      Hello,

      I have been married for a few years to a man who I believe is emotionally abusive. I had not spoken to anyone about this until recently when I made a comment to my mum. This promoted a bigger discussion where I felt I could confide in her.

      Since then I had decided to leave him. When I told him he promised to change. He is arranging counselling for his anger and jealousy.

      He acts like two different people. When he is nice to me I think that maybe we could work it out. When he isn’t, I feel trapped and that I want to run away.

      I have told my mum that I want to leave him and yet she pointed out that I am nice to him, call him darling and things like that. She doesn’t understand that and I feel confused. She says I am being unkind by pretending everything is okay.

      Has anyone else felt like this or behaved like this?

    • #50289
      KIP.
      Participant

      Absolutely. We as the abused are terrified of their wrath and anger so we try to keep the peace. Even after the relationship is over the brainwashing remains. I even pretended to be happy with him for years when inside I was dying. It’s soul destroying. Please ring the helpline or get in touch with your local women’s aid. Google ‘cycle of abuse’. These men are Jeckyl and Hyde and know exactly what they are doing. My ex promised a hundred times to change and never did. He just pretended for a while to reel me back in. You will find the term ‘no contact” on here a lot. If you can go total no contact with him it will give your mind a chance to clear the FOG of abuse. The Fear Guilt and Obligation. Abusers are great liars and manipulators. Keep posting and keep trying the helpline number. Welcome to a fantastic forum full of women who have been through or are going through domestic abuse and a sisterhood like no other x

    • #50292
      backtome
      Participant

      I can related to this so much. I’m STILL nice to him now, even though he’s completely screwing me and LG over. I HATE him, I wish he didn’t exist any more, but when I am in front of him, or on the phone to him, I’m so nice to him. It’s in my nature to be a peace keeper, I do it in all areas of my life so I don’t think that personality trait helps. I mean, he’s the reason I never bonded properly with my little baby girl and why I’ve not, several years later, been diagnosed with post natal depression.

      As KIP says, it’d be good if you could speak to someone about this and they can help you understand it. Hopefully posting on here and knowing other people are the same will help you. x

    • #50307
      Meringue
      Participant

      I am trying to leave my emotional abuser and am also nice to him. I am tying myself up in knots feeling guilty for being nice and ‘leading him on’ whilst also making plans to leave. I also have a peacemaker personality and try to avoid conflict. I guess is boils down to the fact that not being nice, and disagreeing or challenging him makes him angry, so it’s a survival instinct.

    • #50338
      Poppy Hill
      Participant

      I’m going through the same! I’m also a peace keeper, feel incredibly guilty about this all and still find it hard to come to terms with that he may be doing this all on purpose. It’s hard to come to terms with the fact that this is actually happening to you without you really realising it.

    • #52321
      Christine
      Participant

      Hi i m the same!! Always nice And forgiving after a torrent of verbal abuse or emotional abuse such as getting angry and refusing to talk to me over the slightest thing. Its like I can’t make a mistake and say something he considers putting him down, having a go, challenging him. He used to say to me….why don’t u ever yield. Who says that to a partner? And I think I became stubborn because I didn’t want to feel controlled but the shouting and name calling and ignoring etc finally wore me down. Now I just get anxious if I know he’s gonna get upset and I always chase after him to try and put it right again…I think that’s co dependency I’ve been told when your emotional well being is dependent on whether they are okay with you or not….u just wonder how u ever got here?

    • #52330
      KIP.
      Participant

      We got to that place slowly without realising. It’s like putting a frog in a pan of boiling water. It would jump straight out. However if you slowly warm that water, you don’t feel the boiling water till it’s too late. That’s how abuse works x

    • #52332
      Borntobefree
      Participant

      I can relate to so many of you
      I lived through the cycle of emotional abuse ..he did it in stages then he would buy me gifts
      He really screwed with my head ..it got to the point where some thing clicked in my head .. he got got more emotinal abusive .. I stayed so string while it was killing me inside till I planned my exit …. he sent me that crazy
      I did not know who I was .. he turned me pysco
      If I had stayed much longer .I would of killed him … but when he used my past against me.

      He made me sick

      Iam happy I free from him

    • #52460
      Freedomfighter
      Participant

      Hi Auntsally,
      Snap! In exactly same position. I feel it’s the safest way to do it. They are most dangerous when they know they are losing control over us. Confronting them, criticism
      Arguing, being angry or disrespectful or disobedient just gives them an excuse to abuse us and punish us. That’s what I tell myself every time I feel guilty about being nice and deceiving him about what I’m doing behind his back. Anyway, mine has been deceiving me, lying to me, cheating on me, financially controlling and hiding money, manipulating me as well as verbal and physical abuse since the beginning I’ve now realised.
      There’s times when I wonder if all the stress and risk are worth it. I’ve survived more than (detail removed by Moderator) decades and he’s being reasonably nice and supportive at present. Then I remind myself that he’s only being like this because I threatened to leave a little while ago and I’m now off sick with anxiety and depression, on medication and either crying, running around like a headless chicken working like a fool to tidy and decorate the house or sitting in agony because I’ve done too much. He loves it when I’m like this cooking for him, constantly cleaning etc to use up my nervous tension or sitting in pain either snappy or crying. I’m far easier to control! I’m trying not to think about it, just counting down the days and following the plan I’ve put together with women’s aid.
      Like you I worried about it and felt so guilty in the beginning. Now I just keep telling myself it’s the safest way and I’ve given him so many chances over the years, wasted so many years on him. I hate the things he’s done and said, but I don’t think I hate him, not now anyway. I have in the past. Now I just look at him and wonder why. I’ve tried talking to him but he just denies everything, tells me I’m paranoid and we have no problems except the ones in my head! He suggested couples counselling, but has done nothing about it. They are so convincing when they lie to us. Reading the posts on here and googling abuse has helped me see through his mask; counselling has helped me understand my behaviour and why I’ve stayed. Keep posting and reading and phoning the helplines and women’s aid. Knowledge and support are key to freedom. Good luck on your journey 😊

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