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    • #88968
      Scarecrow
      Participant

      I know I have to be careful what i write as i know that our abusers can find us on here but i wanted to try and offer some positivity to everyone on here who might be trying to get out of their situation.

      All of our situations are different and what works for me may not help you, but if i can help one person, even by offering them some hope then i will be happy.

      I am (detail removed by moderator) and have been in one abusive relationship or another since i was a child. With the help of a therapist i am working on never doing this again – recognising the signs of potential abusers (red flags) and recognising the part of myself that seems to attract them. That last statement is not a dig at myself or any other person who finds themselves in clutches of these people – more that, since being in therapy i have realised that i tolerated the behaviour because it was all i had even known and believed myself to be worthy of – so I am helping myself to see that i am worthy of so much more.

      Anyway, i ended my (detail removed by moderator) long relationship – me, the woman who couldn’t even make a decision about what to have for tea without checking with him first. The point i am trying to make is that if I can do it then we all can. It took me a really long time to be strong enough but i did it. My abuser was not physically abusive (at least not violently) so i was lucky in that my physical health was not at risk but my mental health has been in bits for years. I made the decision that i was not happy anymore (read miserable) and that i didn’t want this relationship to be what our child modelled their future relationships on. I wanted more for them, to not have to be walking on eggshells every day of their lives waiting for him to have a go at them over something ridiculous. I had been working towards this day for a long time, it didn’t just happen overnight. Small steps every day or even week – all moved me in the right direction.

      None of this was done lightly, it was the most terrified that i have ever been, but i had reached that point where i couldn’t take it a second longer. I don’t know if we all reach that point, only that i did.

      Since he has left the house i have started to get my life back – slowly but surely. Life is hard, i won’t lie and say it is easy – especially with a child, trying to do everything around the house on your own, work etc etc – BUT it is easier then living with an abusive man. I can come and go as i please, i don have to ask permission to do things, i can eat what i want when i want, i don’t have to detail my every move or jump when the phone rings, worrying what i have done to displease the beast this time.

      Yes – coparenting with him is hard, and our child is finding things hard, but it is all so worth it. He is still trying to control me, has left me in debt and with very little, but i have a roof over my head and i have my child. Everything else will come.

      I hope at least one person will read this and know that one day it might be them – we can do this, we may have been victims of domestic violence but we are SURVIVORS.

      Scarecrow xx

       

    • #88969
      Wibbles
      Participant

      You sound very brave and much stronger than you probably feel. Can I ask how you got him to leave, I had had to move out to family as he refuses to leave the family home. The children keep asking when we are moving back in and I can’t bear to tell them I can’t. I’ve only been gone (detail removed by moderator) and so far he has barely spoken to me or messaged me. Only contact has been regards the children. I want to start moving on but feel like I’m In limbo.

       

    • #89101
      siba
      Participant

      Can you share any advice about how you broke up with him and how you got him to leave the house?

    • #89104
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Hello Scarecrow,

      Thank you so much for sharing your brave story here and offering advice and hope to the forum. Please do reach out for help and support from your local Women’s Aid if you feel you need any. For Siba and Wibbles please do phone the helpline for some advice and support around safety planning, everyone’s situation is different and everyone’s abuser is different. The helpline can help you plan your next steps in a safe and supported way, specifically to your individual situations.

      Best wishes,

      Lisa
      Forum Moderator

    • #89110
      MeOnScreen
      Participant

      Hi scarecrow
      I’m so happy for you! It seems you have come leaps and bounds!
      I just wondered if you had any advice on how you found a therapist? I’m thinking of going to see one however, other then googling which brings up about a thousand in my area, I have no idea how to find the best one for me ect.

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