I am out but his getting in my head….

[NeedANewMe]

Hi All

It has been a long time since I have posted on here, (detail removed by Moderator) I think when I was on holiday after leaving him but ended up communicating whilst on holiday and having to lie on where I was.. The first thing I did when I got back was run back to him as I felt bad for being away whilst he was here.. I felt awful for doing it. Things were OK for a bit but then the talking down to me came back, name calling a few physical activities. I cut down on sexual activities with him as I felt unwanted and uncomfortable by the comments and I also started to get fed up of him and have a little hate which I think he could see as my attitude started to change and I didn’t stand for any of his rubbish, I would answer back or tell him no to things. Anyway me cutting down on the sexual activities probably caused the most arguments as he would make a big deal of it say I neglected him, didn’t want him, didn’t love him. Would say I am pushing him into the arms of another women, he cheats on me, he has plenty of other options also used to sometimes say i’ll take myself into the bathroom and sort myself out. I would know on the nights he stayed over right I am going to have to have sex with him tonight and it would play in my mind… but even before making it to bed he would throw out a comment to make it awkward.. sometimes he would wait till we was in bed see if I made a move go quiet then just go from 1-100 in seconds and sometimes he’d push his hand into my face, we’d end up having sex eventually but was just to shut him up no love or passion in it, I’d take myself off to the bathroom or turnover away from him. Every weekend was draining, I would dread the weekends as I knew there was always going to be something brewing and an argument would start… he’d tell me how much he didn’t want to be with me and the usual comments above would come into it again. I used to just sit on the other sofa on my own and watch him play his games and couldn’t wait to go back to work… well with the current climate wait for him to go back to work as I am having to work from home. Anyway a big thing happened in my life towards the start of (detail removed by Moderator) family members were no longer around the corner and close to me, I knew this would be a problem. Things with him were not improving and it was draining as each day passed.. even with counselling and now on tablets for my anxiety I just didn’t know what to do, I just knew I couldn’t be with him any longer.. So I made a decision which he still to this day doesn’t know I’ve done. In (detail removed by Moderator) I started finishing off jobs in the house to max the sale price and thought I will get someone in to value it, in the last (detail removed by Moderator) I have managed to sell a house and buy a house in a totally different location and he still has no idea I have done it. The only thing worrying me throughout this was how do I get out of this relationship… I had sold the house didn’t know any dates had got out and found a house I fell in love with and brought it.. so the countdown was on. I have never been so stressed even though at the time the house move wasn’t worrying me it was him, how do I tell him? how do I get his stuff out? I was moving things about in the house seeing if he noticed if he didn’t I would box it up and move it out the house, I was going out ordering new things, buying new things starting my life on my own, in this bubble of everything moving on and being happy in my little fantasy world whilst realising back in the real world that the problem is still there and not going anywhere soon. Anyway they tried to move me before (detail removed by Moderator) but I panicked I thought no way I can end this relationship, get his stuff out the house and move.. For (detail removed by Moderator) I have had to keep everything sweet and calm, almost ticking over smoothly whilst everything else progressed. There were a few weekends where it got really bad, one ended up to a trip to the hospital not for me but he was physical with me, all I was worried about was the house being damaged as I had sold it. Nothing he did phased me or scared him. He didn’t scare me do anything you want to me just I was thinking in my head just don’t damage the house! Another weekend (detail removed by Moderator) he lost his temper a threw his food (detail removed by Moderator) all over (detail removed by Moderator). He spent a lot on me (detail removed by Moderator) but so he should with the amount of money his took off me through putting his name on the mortgage and not paying anything towards it.. But yet I still felt guilty with the amount he spent on me. Without being to descriptive the throwing his food was down to a comment he brought up which compared (detail removed by Moderator) spending and me saying (detail removed by Moderator). (detail removed by Moderator) he saw me making a call to someone in the car from the window, he phoned me and asked who it was, I said no one, he said don’t lie to me I can see it from the window it was the call screen. So he asked me to turn back and show him so I did. I had obviously deleted the call from my phone so when I got home he had already started to throw his stuff down the stairs he was very angry. He came out with something which he didn’t know whether It was true but said (detail removed by Moderator).. I panicked and came out and told him the truth, it was a boy mate I was calling. He didn’t like the fact I had lied then thought it could be someone else and I am just saying that, I am cheating.. so I called my mate to prove it was him and just had a general chat so it didn’t look obvious. (detail removed by Moderator) was the first time I went to call the police as he had me round the neck, he was pushing me, throwing me onto the sofa, hands on my face and at one point I didn’t see it coming but I took a hit to (detail removed by Moderator) was a total shock. (detail removed by Moderator) he also said how unhappy he was, he would stay unhappy unless I ended it as he wont. Anyway I thought this was my way out here I am moving (detail removed by Moderator) so let him go. His stuff was by the front door and stayed there for (detail removed by Moderator) yet still didn’t take it. I was now (detail removed by Moderator) before my move and I was messaging him that day with any excuse I knew usually caused an argument and would get him to say his coming to get his things.. nothing was working! then (detail removed by Moderator) something did work and I had to go back to the house to let him collect everything. I then had to wait for him to be at home go back to the house early hours of the morning and start packing everything up… I did all this (detail removed by Moderator) all around his work hours.. I then set off for my new house.. He told me not to contact other than to give him some money towards (detail removed by Moderator) I had agreed before. I heard nothing from him until (detail removed by Moderator) I had arrived at my new house.. I ignored the message then (detail removed by Moderator) days later another few messages which I didn’t read or respond too, then he started contacting through (detail removed by Moderator). He accused me of blocking him which I hadn’t. We started talking (detail removed by Moderator) after all this had happened, it is the first time in (detail removed by Moderator) years of us being together I was able to say exactly how I felt and express what he did and his actually stopped listened, recognised and apologised. This time he just seems very different to how he has been when I have tried to leave (detail removed by Moderator) times before. No activity on social media of photos of himself for loads of random girls to like there was nothing. On the messages I was even shocked that he had brought up things he had done to me like, pouring water all over me, spitting at me, wearing certain underwear… I am literally just shocked that I’ve wanted him to do this for (detail removed by Moderator) years and on the time I have made such a big decision and move he does this… I can’t tell you how guilty I feel, how it is killing me to hide this big lie from him and text him as though I am back at what was “home” staying with a family member through lockdown. He keeps saying how time apart has made him realise he shouldn’t take things for granted and that he knows he wont get anyone else like me again and he was lucky to have me, I was loyal and wouldn’t of done him wrong like others. The conversation has been fine for (detail removed by Moderator) his even accepted the situation and said he’d wait, his mom has helped him understand that abandoning me because of the current situation was wrong, but he thinks the reason we split up was so I could care for someone in these tough times but it was just an excuse to run and move as this day was happening whether I liked it or not. is understanding of the new job I need take, he now wants to settle down…

My head is soo messed up, I have the voices of family in my head telling me not to go back. I think my family would give up on me if I went back. The honest truth now if it wasn’t for the fact I know longer have my house I would be straight back in a relationship with him now… its the fact I am (detail removed by Moderator) miles away.

I keep thinking he seems completely different this time, never seen him like this and he reminds me of when I first met him, the things his texting me I am just feeling guilty about as I am having to lie where I am, he wants to speak on the phone I keep putting him off because of this lie. I don’t have the confidence to just block as I think that would make my guilt worse. I hate people thinking bad of me, I don’t want to be on my own I want a family and someone so badly I just feel like it wont happen and I could be throwing away here something that could work if he does change. I forget about everything that has happened and even after working so hard recognising the abuse and the cycle and behaviours etc. Now I am back to doubting myself maybe I overlooked somethings and it wasn’t that bad maybe he can change and being apart and knowing I’ve not chased makes him see that he did have something good. Can he change? what do I do about the house, I am honestly just keeping myself to myself as people don’t know we have been talking. But honestly I am stuck, I talk to my Auntie who is about the only person who knows everything and knows we are talking, I read forums, I still have counselling but I just feel guilty that its me being worse than him with the lie and the moving house and everything without him knowing.

I just need some help.. can someone actually change? does he realise now? what do I do ??
I have closed the (detail removed by Moderator) down so one form of communication has gone and everything else was done before I moved only thing left is my phone.. I should of done it (detail removed by Moderator) ago but I just couldn’t cut contact.

Please help me !!

[Watersprite]

Well done for getting out again – you are so brave. Don’t beat yourself up be kind to yourself and gentle. It’s early days – this is trauma bonding it make it feel like you’ve got it wrong but you haven’t. You are describing awful abuse from a dangerous manipulative individual. These thoughts and feelings pass I promise.it takes time. Keep up with the support networks you have and reach out if more are needed. Go no contact it’s the only way to begin to heal. I once sat on my hands and put my phone the other side of an ambulance so as not to call him. I resisted but it was almost overwhelming. Give yourself time your future self will thank you so much in the future. Read everything educate yourself on trauma bonds and Lundy Bancroft why does he do that . Stay strong x

[NeedANewMe]

Thank you for your reply, i really appreciate. I haven’t phoned me, I keep using the excuse that i can’t talk because i am emotionally not ready to. He said he was happy to wait until i finished isolating with my (detail removed by moderator) but now his pushing for answers and whats going on. it is so hard as I know I am living a lie of where I am and what I am doing which makes me feel just as bad as him. I just can’t see why i dont have the balls to just block him now and leave it… I get worried he will find someone else and be happy and change where I am stuck here over thinking everything.

[Yellowdiamond]

Well done for leaving! What you are going through and feeling is all totally normal after what you have been through. You have been conditioned to think like this by them. I am still very early days in leaving but no contact is totally the best way and it’s gets easier each day! People like this will always appear to have changed and act and behave differently to make you believe this but in reality they never change and things will normally be fine for a while but will very quickly slip back to how they were before… if not worse!

[NeedANewMe]

Thank you, it’s great to know you’ve made it out to.. it’s reassuring to here.. That’s what worries me once I go back it will just pick up again. But I am finding it so hard not to believe his words that his sorry for all the things his done. I keep getting long heart felt messages about our time together how he should of treated me different and not let his insecurities get the better of him, but I’ve taught him that he can let go and he thanks me for that. Now I’m getting texts about (detail removed by moderator).. I feel so much guilt for changing my number and having no contact because I think I have to message and be nice as I’m doing all this behind is back and I’m worse than him for doing that so I send the nice messages.. he has noticed as to why I’m not responding to his heartfelt messages.. like just I had a message saying (detail removed by moderator)…

[Hetty]

Just wanted to reach out to show some support. Don’t feel bad for doing what you need to do to protect yourself – emotionally, physically and psychologically. I know a few people in my life who don’t understand domestic abuse think I’ve been cruel for leaving and refusing to meet with my ex to talk things through. Leaving an abusive relationship takes strength, willpower and a lot of planning in most cases. Before leaving I had to sneak around behind my ex’s back. I felt so guilty and deceitful. I am not a liar, I’m an honest and open person. What we have to do is for self preservation in an incredibly stressful and dangerous situation.
My ex has said all the things yours has said too. I’ve heard these things so many times over the years. It’s all lies even if they might believe them when they say it. I know I certainly gave my ex more than enough chances to change. They don’t ever change. They might be sorry we left but only sorry for themselves. Don’t be surprised if he changes tactics and you might get the rage messages next. Mine quickly went from being all sorry to blaming me too.
I keep having pangs of guilt and longing. It passes. These men take no real responsibility for what they’ve done. If you haven’t read ‘why does he do that’ I recommend it. I downloaded it for free. It’s a real eye opener.
Stay strong xx

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