I am over him, i’m just trying to do the right thing….

[Healthyarchive]

Hello, I would be grateful for any advice please.
I’ve not seen or had any contact with my ex for about  (detail removed by moderator) months. I am fine with this, feel happy and positive and love my life and future. I do not want to get back with him, I don’t believe he wants to get back with me either which is fine. Our relationship was filled with mental abuse and nastyiness. I do however want him to be ok in his life and happy. I know how much his son means to him and that he wants to have a positive relationship with his son. Due to the way my ex acts sometimes & some dynamics in their relationship, the word love does not come up much either in actions or verbally. I know my ex loves he son, but he is unreliable, tight with money, lies and lets people down. I am thinking of sending his sons wife who i got along with a very short email, literally 2 lines. Just to say that “I know that x*x loves his son”.

Myself and my ex nor any of his relatives are in touch at all anymore, which is fine i’m more or less over the worse now. I’d just like to tell them how he feels, he may come across as an a*s but there is a heart in there somewhere and I would like the two of them to have a good relationship. I would leave it at that. I am in two minds whether it is a good idea me sending this, whether there would be any implications. From my point of view it really is innocent, there is no way I would ever want him back.

[Confused123]

HI Hun

I know you mean well but i would leave it. It is his son too and if he wants the contact he should make it on his own, it will only go against you. When i left my ex i had two kids with him, my ex remain on his own due totoxication problems but any contact he had with kids wasnt appreciated and only upset kids, we have been seperate (detail removed by moderator) months now and i know he misses kids but again he still cant leave drink alone, so i just when he calls tell him kids are ok and then end call, tillhe is stable it is betteer with minium contact for kids too. When he is ready he willmake contact himself , same applies to your ex he has to realize the importanace of his child too

[Healthyarchive]

Thankyou very much Confused, this is really helpful. X

[Peaceful Pig]

Hi HA, I agree with confused. Your ex’s relationships are his own responsibility. I’m afraid his actions prove the measure of his love for his son, and they are what his son will believe over words from others. It’s really hard to stop taking responsibility for our ex’s, I know it’s taken me a very long time, but please continue to keep yourself safely away xx

[Healthyarchive]

Thanks PP. X*X

[Serenity]

A friend told me that I would know when I am over him when I don’t care what he thinks of me, but also when I stop thinking that his problems are my responsibility.

Maybe having lost you, he will now be pushed into taking action to salvage his other relationships, as you aren’t putting up with his rubbish anymore.

Either way, I think I have learned the hard way what a dangerous road it is to travel thinking that we can fix or rescue these people. They need to do it themselves. If we try to rescue them, they only end up ridiculing us for our kindness and projecting their issues on to us. This isn’t helping them develop as human beings ( not that many are capable of developing).

Look up the ‘rescuer’ concept X

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/traversing-the-inner-terrain/201105/rescuing-the-rescuer

[Healthyarchive]

Thanks Serenity, I will look at that link.

[Healthyarchive]

I have contacted his daughter in law, i sent her a text. I know all of the information that i received on here was right. I had an overwhelming urge to contact her to share my feelings. I do not want him back and I said that in the text. I just want him to be ok and happy as i believe he has internal issues which are going to bring him down in his life. I know with no doubt that I do not want him back. But at the same time I care that he is ok and happy. That is all that I said. I know it was probably the wrong thing to do. I asked for her not to mention that I had made contact, i trust that she won’t as she does not get along with my ex and myself and her got on ok. When I got home after sending the text, i was thinking about sending my ex a text, just to say hello and that I hope he is well, it was like a snowball effect. I thought about it all evening. In a way it is good that I sent the DILaw a text and considered contacting him. Because it got my mind thinking about things in another way. I did not and will not contact him. I reminded myself how manipulative, covert and controlling he is and for me to make contact with him would be dangerous for my emotions, he would play me like a fiddle when I have a good heart and I am kind. It is good that I came to realize that. Covert abuse is extremely subtle and can even come in positive acts which are calculated. It is good that I realized that.

[Confused123]

HI Hun

Well done for not making contact with ex, as times goes on maybe one day he will relaize his mistake and deal with it and then approach you, keeping contact with the abusers bare mininum if not zero is so essential, from my experience now i am stronger i can talk to ex for few minutes and even that can throw me of guard some days, i can luckily say (detail removed by Moderator) months on i am beginiing to heal, i still have a long way to go but the fact that i know how dangerous my ex is i know to guard myself and keep away, i think cause of our caring nature we will always care and worry about them , but to help them we have to help ourselves first and keep away

[Healthyarchive]

Thank you so much for your response Confused.
Honestly and truthfully, I am so content with my life now I would never go back to such awfulness, with him or anybody. I was just sending my aunt an email, just chatty and catch up. In it i told her how happy I was with life now and felt positive about my future. And I do.
The plus side is is that I have stuck to strict No Contact now for 4 months. I have had no contact with either him nor any of his relatives or associates. During this time there has been one text from his daughter in law. So I believe that I have done well with the No Contact.
I broke this 2 nights ago with the text to the daughter in law. In it i told her that I still loved him and cared about him, but that I did not want to be in a relationship with him, I just want him to be ok and happy in his life. I have not had any response from her which is a bit of a head f**k but that is ok.
I feel that he still, 4 months on, has me mentally hooked. I so much don’t want to think about him, he sometimes dominates my thoughts and it is like I cannot control the thoughts. I think if he & i had no animosity and were friends this would put this to rest and I would no longer have this mental anguish. But I tried to be friends when we split, he would have none of it and cut me out of his life, period. 100% silent treatment. I have told myself that at the moment its a bit of a difficult time as I’ve just returned from a holiday, i expected to hear from him and I havn’t. The holiday was ours, that we booked together. Also I expect Christmas & birthdays to be hard. But I tell myself if i can get through those times, it will be ok. My involvement with this person has had severe mental repercussions for me and I so wish i had never met him in the first place. He were fond of giving me the silent treatment as punishment when we were together, if he is deliberately doing that now at least I could handle that and put a label on it, rather than just dropping me out of his life which hurts so much.

[Healthyarchive]

I keep reminding myself that I am a normal, kind person with a caring manner. I am dealing with a manipulative and controlling person which can get under my skin and very cleverly twist my thinking. I know that knowing that will keep me away.

[Author]

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