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    • #110738
      S.B.WARRIOR
      Participant

      so im no longer with my ex but we have a child together so we have to sort out contact arrangements. Every time I have to have any contact with my ex I end up having panic attacks and I’ve been told by family that they think I’ve been emotionally abused. If I post some examples of situations could you please tell me if its abuse because I’m questioning myself and I’m too anxious to speak to anyone on the phone about it. I just need to know where I stand in case we end up going to court over child maintenance and contact. Thanks

      • When we got together we both agreed that we did not want children and that I would be on the contraceptive injection and we would use condoms to prevent pregnancy. After around (detail removed by moderator) he started making comments about when he “has a child” and gradually bringing up having kids more and more. Then he started “making jokes” about finding someone else to have his child if I wouldnt. Eventually he refused to wear condoms and would pressure me into having sex. He eventually manipulated me into stopping the injection, I then had an early miscarriage which traumatized me and got me to agree to “let nature decide” if we had a child. (I would not change my child for the world, but I was manipulated into having them).
      • Once we had our child he would “joke” about them having a brother or sister one day and say that if I wouldnt have another baby for him someone else would. He would say this as if he was talking to our child in a playful tone about me.
      • He would make “jokes” about leaving me, or sleeping with another girl. The night we broke up he “jokingly” (detail removed by moderator) leaving me at home with our baby.
      • He would ask on a regular basis if I was ok with him going on a night out with his friends, whilst I would be at home with our baby, but if I said I’d rather he stayed home and helped me he would make me feel guilty or keep making little comments about who was going out and what he was missing, until I would end up saying for him to go.
      • When I was heavily pregnant and feeling unwell he said he had been invited out with his friends but said he couldn’t go. The next thing I knew, he got a phone call to say that his friends were outside in the car waiting for him. He said he had no idea they were going to turn up but ended up going out regardless of me feeling unwell.
      • He had “family discussions” about my health issues with his parents and siblings when I was too unwell to go with him to visit. He would come back and tell me that they thought I needed to seek help for my mental health because my conditions were all in my head.
      • He constantly pressured me into trying the “swinger” and bdsm lifestyles, asking if he could have sex with other women, or have sexual favors from other women. He actually bought a female friend home from a night out once when I was asleep and woke me up and pressured me into a “situation” with them both.
      • After we split he would ask for me to watch him do sexual things over video calls and guilt trip me if I said no.
      • He constantly questions my judgement about what is best for our child, regardless of the fact that I am the one they live with and who deals with all of their medical needs. He has only ever been to (detail removed by moderator) of the hospital appointments, but he continuously thinks he knows better and regularly gets his mother to message or call me and question me as well to the point I have had to block them both on everything.
      • If we argued and I said he had done something wrong previously he would want me to name exact dates and times as proof that he had done it, and dismissed it if I couldn’t remember exactly.
      • He would make comments about how surprised he was that our relationship had lasted so long because he would usually “get bored” after a month or so but my “craziness” kept him on his toes.
      • If he said something that I took offence to he would either say he was joking or being sarcastic.
      • I was always having to check if he had heard me speaking because he wouldnt acknowledge me.
      • If we argued he would storm off and slam doors and give me the silent treatment. He still gives me the silent treatment when we are discussing our child if he doesn’t like what I have to say.
      • After we split he told me he had promised to help a friend move house so he bought our child back early from their weekend time together. It turned out that he lied. He actually bought them back early so that he could go and sleep with someone.
      • He caused our child to get a severe (detail removed by moderator)them enough when he had them for a weekend.
      • He has not made the effort to learn how to manage all of our child’s medical needs, and his parents are unwilling to learn so if there was an emergency involving my ex, no one would be able to meet our child’s medical needs until I could collect them. This is despite me telling him about every appointment in advance so that he had the opportunity to book it off work or uni and come with us.
      • He would not talk to me about his thoughts or feelings despite my constant support and reassurance, but used that as an excuse for him cheating as he (detail removed by moderator).
      • He stopped me from going back to college part time after our child was born, which we had agreed on several times, because he applied and enrolled to go back to university full time, so that I would have to stay at home and look after our child.
      • He would “jokingly” say that I would never be able to cope and look after our child without him.
      • He manipulated me into sleeping with him (detail removed by moderator) after we split by getting me to meet him at the house so he could “collect some things” and then turning on the charming kind act. But he then started guilt tripping me and getting nasty like I had done something wrong when I told him it would not happen again, and saying that he only did it to “make me happy” because then we would stay friends which was best for our child.
      • He has been telling mutual friends that I have stopped him from seeing our child, but in reality I have been trying to get him to want to have our child but he has used lockdown as an excuse not to. He tries to act as though any scenarios I have offered are putting our child at risk because I (detail removed by moderator) which is not true. I only offered scenarios that met the governments guidelines but he would not even consider trying it so that he could see our child. Now that lockdown is easing he wants to go straight back to our previous arrangement, when our child has not spent time with him in (detail removed by moderator), and is spreading lies about me not “letting him see his child” when I actually told him we needed to build it up slowly.
      • He does not provide nappies or wipes or other changing supplies for when he has my son. He also does not pay child maintenance but likes to portray himself as the doting dad who isn’t allowed to see or provide for his child.
      • When we got together I was independent, happy, ambitious and motivated. By the end of our relationship I had lost all confidence and self esteem. I was needy, insecure, codependent, and suffered from severe depression and anxiety. My fear of abandonment was ten times worse. My body image was at an all time low. I had considered doing something silly multiple times, and I did not believe that I could cope as a single mother.
      • If I got upset and cried he would just sit on the end of the bed or wherever and look at me. He would not show me any affection or try and soothe me.
      • If I tried to initiate sex he rejected me 9 times out of 10, then when I stopped trying due to not wanting to be rejected, he would make me feel guilty that it was always down to him and if I didn’t want to he would sulk or give me the silent treatment.

      Apologies if any details need to be removed. Thanks

       

    • #110750
      Escapee
      Participant

      Yes, there is definitely abusive behaviour in your description. The best book I have read has been Healing from Hidden Abuse……perhaps this would be a good starting place for you and for you to talk to a DA support worker. It can take a while to get your head around the fact that you have been in an abusive relationship…..especially when it’s emotional and psychological as there’s no physical proof to show yourself and say look! It was real!

      The coercion, manipulation, deflection and mind games leave you tied in knots, confused and anxious. There’s a thread on here about our different experiences – I think it’s called This is my abuser, it might help you recognise some of your ex’s behaviour.

    • #110756
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      It’s definitely abuse. Sounds like he has alot of growing up to do too.

      If he is effecting you emotionally like this then it will impact on your son and if sounds like your son needs that extra tlc. It would be worth thinking about if he is going to be beneficial in your sons life at all, seems like he has other things on his mind that seem more important than his son. It also seems like upsetting you is more important too! If you want to allow him contact and you think it’s better for your son, then maybe you could try and organise his contact through family members. It will defiantly be better for you because you shouldn’t be feeling like this around him, and the fact you do shows that his abuse has effected you massively xx

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