I am so angry

[stopthepain]

Hi Everyone,
This is my first post and my brain feels like a jumble of things. I’ve read several posts that resonated with me and others that seem so much worse than my situation that it made me cry for the victims and feel like I’m a big cry baby. I have been married to the same man for (detail removed by moderator). I was in my very early (detail removed by moderator) and he was almost (detail removed by moderator). He was a great man during the year that we dated but looking back, there were signs that I totally missed. (detail removed by moderator) into our marriage he started showing his true colors. I was so in love with him it’s ridiculous. I am convinced that is the biggest reason he was able to gain so much control.
He is also a very smart man and he had my weaknesses pegged from the start. The gas lighting began early on but I did not see it at all. The verbal abuse and marginalizing followed close behind. (detail removed by moderator) into our marriage I started getting really bad headaches…blinding headaches. (detail removed by moderator) rushed me to the hospital after she came by and saw that (detail removed by moderator). I just blamed the “bad” headache. It turns out it was a severe migraine and the doctor told me that I get ALL the symptoms. My husband used to tell me that I just needed to “get moving” to get rid of the headaches. I believed him of course. I have continued getting chronic headaches from the stress and they have gotten worse over the years. My doctor has me on daily medication so that helps.
The thing is that I never wanted to see myself as a victim. Maybe that was part of the problem. I have never been overweight but I remember him telling me that if I ever got fat he would “(detail removed by moderator)”. He was serious too but later he said he was joking and I misunderstood him. A friend of his went (detail removed by moderator) and they told us we should go because it was so much fun yada yada. I refused to even consider it. They wanted to know why and I told them that I was afraid my husband would push me over the edge and he would call it an accident. I had babies to care for so I wasn’t taking any chances. They all laughed but later on I realized how real that fear was. We have never been on a (detail removed by moderator).
I have made attempts at claiming my identity but the wounds are still open. He has changed some of his habits. He doesn’t go to bars three times a week or stay out all night God knows where or with whom. His marginalizing is more subtle which makes it difficult for me to defend against. I went back to school so that has kept me busy and out of his way for the last (detail removed by moderator) or so.
There are many ironies in our relationship. He has always treated me like I was “less” then him. He would tell me that “I was lucky to have him”, “lucky that he married me” “at least he didn’t beat me up”. He was the big hot shot, handsome man who had many women falling at his feet all the time. He was the smart college man (even though he didn’t finish his degree) who’s dad was an English Professor. I was the simple, plain, insignificant woman who was lucky he married in spite of having “(detail removed by moderator)”. Yes, I’m quoting his statement. My parents were both humble, hardworking people. My dad was a (detail removed by moderator). Now, I am the one with a Masters degree and I make twice as much money as he does. Now, his manipulation has changed to telling me that “if I ever leave him he will be homeless or living in a (detail removed by moderator)”. He is overweight and even though I have gained some weight with my age, I’m still not that big.
I get flashbacks all the time. A therapist diagnosed me with PTSD from the emotional abuse and she told me that I should leave him. I’m stupid or something because I’m still with him. The thought of all the drama and emotional harassment that will ensue if I leave him makes me feel so tired, deflated, and depressed. I’m also worried about our kids. They are grown but I have always tried to hide the emotional abuse from them. I know they are not stupid and they saw some things, but not everything.
Lately, I have gone from depressed to angry and back to depressed. When I met him he had a child from a previous relationship. The child was (detail removed by moderator). His mom is a (detail removed by moderator) that only used the child to get what she wanted. I basically raised him. I spent all of his childhood protecting him from both parents. When his mother pulled her s****y stuff, I would console him and ensure him that his mom loved him. He needed to hear that so that’s what I told him. It was easier to protect him from the s****y things his dad did because I simply stepped in and took care of him.
However, (detail removed by moderator) I didn’t get the chance. He died of (detail removed by moderator). I was the last person he texted a couple hours before he died. I didn’t see the message until the following morning.
I am so angry!! I am angry at myself, I am angry at my husband and I am angry at his mother. We didn’t deserve the gentle soul that God put in our paths and he took him back. My weaknesses cost him his life. Both his mother and his dad let me take care of him and do everything a mother does up until it suited them. When things were not convenient for them I was right there. He was my child. I loved him. He knew he could count on me. When it didn’t suit them, they would step in and push me aside because I was nobody. I was just the step-mom.
Now all the memories of my husband pushing me and our kids aside because his priority was his oldest son are coming to the surface. When I said something to him, he would tell me that I knew that he had this child before I came along and I agreed with him and accepted it. I turned my energy to supporting our two younger kids and trying to make sure they didn’t resent their father or their brother. I think I succeeded because they loved their older brother. Now, we are all devastated by his loss.
My (detail removed by moderator) was also very verbally abusive to me. My husband never stepped in to stop her or defend me in any way. He didn’t want to rock the boat with her so he let her treat me like s**t. It escalated to her becoming physically violent with me. She (detail removed by moderator)
Now he’s gone and nothing matters anymore. I just want the pain to end. Sometimes I wish I didn’t have to wake up again.
I’m sorry that I just went on and on. I feel like I just vomited a lot of stuff and it still isn’t enough.
I love you ladies and your strength. I know I need help but I’m just so tired of hurting.

Thank you,

Stopthepain

[nbumblebee]

Firstly sweetie let me say you say in your post that youve read posts that are worse than your situation now let me stop you right there cause to me youve had a pretty s****y time. It shouldbt matter who else has been through what sweetie what matters is you are hurting and you need help. I can relate to the first part of your story im still here after (detail removed by moderator) of marriage to a not so nice man i have grown up kids too and a teen. My husband can say such nasty things and often tells me how lucky i am I came from nothing he did save me from a pretty c****y life and i will always be grateful to him for that even my own mum tells me how lucky i am to have him I wish they knew just how hard it is each day to wake up to someone you dont like someone who hurts you and treats you so bad you feel like you are crazy. As with alot of us on here our tales are similar these men always follow similar patterns of abuse so we really can relate to what you have been through there.
I am so sorry for the loss of your son and i say your son cause it sounds like he was just that and you should be allowed to grieve just as much as anyone i think maybe you need some help with this to be able to talk about your loss will help you get ot out your head and make it clearer. Grief never goes away never but it hurts less as each day passes.
You say you need help and that is such a brave thing to say, next step is grabbing that help.
Contact womans aid for a chat, samaritans these can be done anon to start with see how that goes.
Can you see your Dr? Ask for counselling?
I self harm so have counselling for that which i pay for and i have to say as hard as it is as much as it hurts i am slowly very slowly opening up not much but little by little it does help it makes things clearer in your own head which if you are like me feels like it can explode.
You cannot do this alone not after all that you have been through, you really do need to find a little bit more stength and bravery and reach out for support it is out there but you have to want to find it sweetie.
Im utterly rubbish at advise i feel like a fraud telling you what to do when im sitting here with my nasty husband beside me so I am hoping one of the more grounded members on here will be by soon and can help you further but for now I wantes to let you know you are not alone. Xxxxxx

[stopthepain]

Thank you so much for your reply nbumblebee. I’m so sorry for all the women that are in situations such as ours. Why? Why do men do this? I don’t understand. The two-faced attitude that you mentioned drives me crazy too. And when you call them out on anything, the gas lighting begins; “I didn’t mean it that way, you misunderstood, you are overreacting” UGH!
I’ve tried reaching out but I can’t seem to find someone with whom I feel comfortable. I cringe at the thought of unleashing all the BS I’m holding in.
I forgot to mention that the biggest cosmic joke of my life happened when (detail removed by moderator). Turns out my (detail removed by moderator). We were all reeling. The scenes of my husband leaving me alone with my newborn baby because he (detail removed by moderator) flooded back in my mind. My husband telling me that (detail removed by moderator)
I wonder if I should’ve talked to him. But I was afraid! I was afraid I would make things worse and I was only the step-mom! I wanted him home, safe when I talked to him about it but I was never able to set things up.
I’m such a mess about everything and my husband just wants me to “leave what happened in the past and start fresh”. HOW when I feel so broken!?
Thank you so much for your time and your empathy. It means so much to me.

[nbumblebee]

You are in no way responsible for his death its not fair nor right and its utterly heart breaking that some people are so low so sad so alone that they turn to drugs and end up losing their life bit no way could you have stopped it we are only ever responcible for our own lives our own happiness we cannot live other peoples lives sweetie you cannot and should not take this upon your shoulders.
I get not wanting to reach out cause you not found someone you can trust but if you dont keep looking you will never find someone and you will never be able to heal.
It is not easy to trust someone and open up ive been going almost a year and ive still not opened up relaxed my counsellor takes things slow this is my story and i will tell it in my own time but whats important is that we talk and she helps me see clearer keep looking sweetie.
I have no idea why they hurt us the way they do I wish i did. Im not sure if you have ever considered leaving him but Living with them is so hard it hurts every day but if we choose to stay we have to find a way to gain strength keep ourselves safe and live a life worth living we cant do it alone we need help. I really do think you need to keep trying to reach out before it all eats away at you xxxx

[liftingthefog]

Stopthepain, I have had to reply as your journey is so utterly heart wrenching.
Anger is an important part of your healing and you have a right to be angry when you are mistreated and disrespected to the extent that you have been. When the anger subsides, as it will intermittently please be so kind to yourself, wrap your arms around yourself, hug yourself tight and let those tears fall if they want to.
I feel your pain, your journey has been and what you feel left with now is horrendous.
Keep posting here (I have found it a lifeline since I joined two months ago). This community is marvellous and all woman with similar experiences although individual and different.
Big big hugs and keeping you in my prayers.
Xx

[stopthepain]

Thank you nbumblebee and goldenretriever. I appreciate your kind words more than I can express. I’m glad I found this forum and I will continue to look for professional counseling.

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