I am so close to leaving but the guilt is killing me

[Sarah30]

So I’ve reached a point where I am done. I told my partner it was over, he became angry tried to smash my phone up, then took it away, he was punching walls and crying then he started begging me and pleading with me to stay, it was scaring me. Anyway it’s been nearly (detail removed by moderator) weeks of me constantly saying it’s over and he’s just in this constant state of denial and then acts like everything’s back to normal he’s being really calm and patient with the kids, (it’s all an act I know that)
I wanted to leave with us being civil and grown up for the kids but it’s just not going to happen, he’s going to keep me here and just gloss over this and continue as ‘normal’ untill he thinks I’ve complied then it’ll go back to ‘normal’ that is the usual, standing on eggshells, house has got to be spotlessly tidy otherwise he gets the hump, shouting at the kids, slapping them, putting my (detail removed by moderator) year old down all the time. Controlling the money etc sorry I’m rambling ladies.
Thing is I’m ready to go I’m ready to go to a refuge or call police and ask them for help, his behaviour is escalating I caught him looking through my phone to see ‘who’s telling me to leave him’ haha also he was acting guilty and shady around his iPad so I checked the history (I know that’s wrong) and he was searching for ‘how to find (detail removed by moderator) on the black market’ but I feel so so guilty about him coming home and we’re not here and the kids will be asking where’s daddy and when can they see him etc the guilt is just horrendous, it’s like a constant battle in my head, I know it’s the only way I’m going to get out as he’s not going to let me leave but the guilt is real!!! Sorry for the super long rambling post ladies.

[Eggshells]

There is the world of difference between checking the history to protect yourself and checking the history to abuse someone. You are trying to protect yourself so don’t beat yourself up over that.

I’m concerned about the illegal (detail removed by moderator). Are those for his personal use or is he planning on giving them to you? This may sound paranoid but be very wary of any lovely cups of tea etc that he might bring you.

You are also absolutely right about his behaviour. This is lovebombing. It’ll soon end once he’s sucked you’d back in. It’s good that you can see it and understand it.

Don’t feel guilty, he won’t. Try to remember why you are going. It’s not just for you it’s for your children. They will miss their Daddy at first but in the long term, you’ll be saving them an awful lot of heartache, please trust me on this. I’ve seen first hand how damaging it is to keep children in such a toxic relationship. Your OH sounds just like my ex. I feel guilty that I stayed. xx

[Lisa]

Hi Sarah,

It’s completely understandable why you’d be feeling torn; you’re just trying to do the best thing for your children. Eggshells is right though; children are adaptable and in the long run will be so much happier when they’re not having to deal with his abusive behaviour.

What he’s doing is incredibly abusive; both to you and your children and you deserve to be free from this.

Please do feel free to private message me if you need any extra support. You could also contact a support worker via the Live Chat if you are needing a refuge search or any other support or information.

Please keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on,

Lisa,
Forum Moderator

[Sarah30]

Thank you lovely ladies for the support. I did it! I rang the police and logged my concern about the drug search as I had paranoia that he was going to drug me like you say. He had been making me loads of teas! When before he never lifted a finger! Soooo I was suspicious. I’m now out and going into refuge in a few days. Hopefully from there they can help me with this mess I’ve found my life In. Thank you for the support ladies lots of love xx

[iliketea]

Wow @sarah30!! Amazing! Well done! I like that fast acting, I need to take a leaf out of your book. Stay strong and hope it all goes ok at the refuge. Keep posting. Xx

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