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So I am in a really bad place, social services are heavily involved with my family i have (detail removed by Moderator) children already and one on the way, social services feel there ks coercion and emotional abuse but i am very unsure if I am being abused or if my husband is genuinely unwell and not doing things on purpose due to his PTSD and poor mental health / depression/ anger. It has been an ongoing issue for around (detail removed by Moderator) years and sometimes he claims he can’t remember doing things or saying things or tells me I’ve said things when I’m sureni haven’t but I don’t know I get confused. I’ve tried so hard to help and support him but I have become very depressed myself and especially after things like discovering on numerous occasions he has been speaking to other women and watching things online I felt not appropriate and hurtful my self esteem and trust has become zero for a long time questioning my own worth to him.
Some examples of things are
Kicking and throwing objects when in a temper
Smashed glasses and put his fists through things
Screaming and swearing. slamming doors
Broken doors / door frames from force of slamming them
Hitting himself in the head and headbutting walls
(detail removed by Moderator) and telling me to stab him because its what I want to do to him after I asked him to stick up for me more to wider family issues that he told me I am Blamed for by everyone
He ignores me and avoids me, won’t look at me or walk past me when being in the same room as me if i try and put my side across about things I don’t agree with
There has been times social services have asked for him to leave the propery and he Tells me he’s unwell such as needing scans or loss of blood / serious things or it could be saying a family member is unwell such as (detail removed by Moderator)
Saying he is (detail removed by Moderator) if he isn’t at home with us
Telling me I treat him like a C**T and don’t love or care or support him
He tells me he’s going to kill himself and that I’m not allowed to seek or call anyone for help
Tells me not to worry about him anymore
Tells me he’s worthless to everyone and everyone wants him dead
Says he can’t be stable unless he is with me and the kids
But also good things like He wants to be a better person and loves me beyond anything he knows or ever felt
He helps around the house and we have some nice happy family days out/ holidays and can be so caring and loving and put hard work in to do anything for us as a family.
Sorry for the long post but I am so lost in all this and scared I’m going to loose my children or not support my husband when he’s unwell / mentally ill. It would be nice to hear from anyone who’s had similar situations? Thankyou
Currently social services have (detail removed by Moderator) because they feel he is a danger with his mental health and abusive to me and my children are becoming more aware and upset by his outbursts but because I’ve tried to support him to get the help he needs I am also views as being unprotective and social services feel I am not able to recognise abuse and also as he is not seeking help or being honest of situations and things he does like I am to them honest and open and then obviously doesn’t match up to them when he doesn’t report the same things going on and he says some things he doesn’t remember doing.
Sorry for the long post but I am so lost in all this and scared I’m going to loose my children or not support my husband correctly when he’s unwell / mentally ill. It would be nice to hear from anyone who’s had similar situations? Thankyou -
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I am going to be blunt. You really need to co operate with social services or you run the risk of them removing your children from your care. They will judge you on whether they think you can protect your children from him so they will expect you to listen to them and accept that there is abuse and it is harming the children or there is a big risk of harm and so act to protect them.
Lots of people have mental health problems. They don’t choose to abuse others. Your husband is making a choice to behave like this to you and yes, what you describe does sound abusive and is a very unhealthy environment for your children.
These men often threaten suicide to blackmail women into staying. Often it’s a bluff but even if he meant it, he is not your responsibility. He’s an adult. He makes his own choices.
Please listen to your social worker and work with them to keep your children in your care and away from harm. Also seek support from your local DA charity. Live chat can give you their contact details.
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Yeah I do understand the seriousness about loosing the kids this is making him worse because I am starting to say no to a future with him and say we need to do what social services say and by saying im not willing to risk anything escalating he is saying I am not supportive. Never loved him he means nothing all sorts of things to me.
Even with any work etc they ask of us I believe they’d take the children away after that still if he was here and done anymore around us. I guess I’m just scared I’m abandoning him with these struggles he has, I know I must sound stupid but I do love him and tried so hard to make this work and for him to be better but I now don’t want to let my kids goto care yet he doesn’t seem to understand it or feel it’s justified for me saying I’m to worried and kids need to come first. Social services feel I am not able to see the difference in his mental health and abuse. But I am working with them in what ever they advise.just these messages and upset is so hard to feel I’m not getting it wrong in some way about him.
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I could have written a lot of this myself (detail removed by Moderator) years ago except my husband was also paralytically drunk so in and out of a+e all the time.
Social services advised that he couldn’t be in the house on his own with the kids because of this. When he finally went (detail removed by Moderator) I asked for a separation.
It’s not an easy decision to make but he is an adult. You need to protect your children. Social services are there for a reason. But you also deserve to be treated better than this. You have no choice but to work with social services and keep your children safe.
Good luck, none of this is easy. X*x
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Thankyou It feels like I am being wrong either way to my kids or to my husband. He tells me no one cares, no support or feels like he means nothing etc as you say I have no choice but to work with ss, I always told him if he didn’t stick to his help etc and it effected us again we would have to stay seperate but I never thought we would be this far in to things as we are after telling him that and how he can be two totally different people. Xx
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Ok you’ve had some great advice already but a couple of things jumped out at me.
1) He forgets things – does he just forget things like hitting you, name calling, breaking stuff, cheating etc? That’s convenient isn’t it.
2) He’s suddenly ill when social services tell him he has to leave. Let me guess, he has a miraculous recovery if his mate phones and says let’s meet for a pint.
3) His mental health issues kick in when you try to talk to him and he starts saying things like stab me, I’m worthless, I might as well not be here etc. What do you do as a result? You change your behaviour, you stop asking him to stop/change and do a 180 and start to feel sorry for him. Convenient as genuine MH doesn’t have an on/off switch to cue. Think of it like the human equivalent of your dog putting in the puppy eyes to get the food off your plate.
4) YOU’VE done so much to help him…but you don’t say what HE’s done to help himself. Even if he’s promised to get help has he ever actually gone and seen it through?
I don’t mean to sound harsh, I can totally relate to a lot of your list as things I experienced too but you are very much in the midst of a controlling and abusive situation where this man is manipulating you through his actions. To the point you’ve got a third party telling you this isn’t ok and you need to leave, you need to keep the kids safe.
You’re clearly a caring person who is worried about this man so perhaps look at it another way if it helps – what if you step away from him as SS ask. Temporarily it that helps. You wait for him to get help (actions not just words so he has to commit to support, complete the programme not just go to 1 meeting etc) and then, and only then do you think about whether you want this relationship? It can feel easier to do it like this when you’re in the middle of the trauma bond. The space will also help you feel the space and free air you’re now in. What you’ll probably see is him carrying on as he is with no change and wonder how on earth he can be so ok about that choice. At the same time, get help for yourself as breaking the bond can be tough and there’ll be times you feel a strong pull back to him as you break the chemical addiction.
SS are there to help you, so let them. It will only escalate and get worse if you stay and repeat this pattern over and over xx
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Thankyou I have thought and read about trauma bonds but often not been sure if it is or not, I’m always struggling to know if I am over thinking the situation in the past.
This is the second time he’s been asked to leave the home by SS which is now why we have been escalated to child protection because he stopped sticking to the agreements on the plan and the cycle remains the same.
Despite everything I have explained he also has such a caring kind and loving side I just can’t believe it is the same person when things get bad. I am feeling so upset about loosing him he has been the love of my life and never in the beginning did I think I’d be here in this situation today.
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But lovely, the heartbreaking truth is that the caring, kind, loving version is the fake version. It’s the version of him he turns on to get what he wants (often just before or just after a nasty time) and you probably like most of us cling to memories of how amazing it was at the start when you were being lovebombed. This is really really hard to see and takes a long time to accept, it’s also painful to accept and even now I tell myself some of it must’ve been real, but someone who is your soulmate wouldn’t hurt you and your kids like this, a parasite who needs you to supply his lifestyle does. If he was nasty all the time you’d be long gone right? Which is why they show us the fun, jolly, loving version because we stay hoping that’s the real him and if we just do X/Y/Z he’ll be like it all the time. But it’s never going to happen. x
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This is so accurate. It’s so hard. My abuser was the love of my life. It wasn’t just the love bombing at the start it was the craving for that lovely gorgeous man who never really existed and the efforts I would go to to please him and get that man back. Changing behaviour, taking the blame. It’s all the trauma bond. The person who is abusing you is the one you crave and the one you want to please. But it’s not real, it really isn’t. He knows what buttons to press to get you in line and keep his control.
But things sound really serious now. From what you say SS now say he goes or they take kids. This is it the choice- him or the kids. Sounds like both together not an option. This is so so hard but please choose kids.
Sending you a huge hug and all the strength in the world. You can do this. You are stronger than you think.
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Hi underthestarz,
Social services are there to help YOU and your children.
they are not there to take your children away
they know the complexities of mental health / DV and there first thought is NOT to remove your children from your home. (unless of course he was forcing you to put your children at risk) But yes work with them. Mostly so you can also understand the support available for you. It is very very hard to live with a husband with mental health concerns.
Services are on your side!!!
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No they’ve tried different plans to keep him In the home but he has not stuck to his side and has had various episodes of MH / emotional Abuse
I worry though that I cause alot of it because of his cheating I have very bad low trust and know he feels I provoke him when I am upset or ask where he’s been etc.
I always have tried to be honest to Ss about it and work with them but I gave him a chance and now he’s been asked to leave again and I’m only allowed the kids if I continue working with them and not allow him back. Even after the courses they want us to complete I am sure consequences will remain if he did return and something else happens.
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Read that back to yourself and ask what would you tell your child if they came to you and said ‘mum it’s my fault he’s upset because HE cheated on me’. Classic gaslighting saying you’re wrong for not trusting him or how dare you ask a normal question like where you been or what time will you be back. No no, he broke that trust and you’re well within your rights to lose your trust. It’s on HIM to rebuild it (if at all possible as once broken it’s never really the same), not on you to fix. He hurt you, so why are you the one walking on eggshells = abuse. xx
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