Tagged: Is this abuse
13th July 2020 at 3:17 pm #109790
I hope everyone is ok. I am new to the forum after reading along for a while.
I really would appreciate anyone’s time or advice.
I am married and I am really so confused.
My husband over the (detail removed by Moderator) has threatened to divorce me on numerous occasions when he has been angry and usually he has caused something. He grinds his teeth, slams the bedroom door, bangs the table, throws utensils and curses and shouts.
Everything ends up been my fault even though I don’t really say anything, challenge him and I do everything his way (his is very particular).
When it’s just a conversation he will say I am causing an agrument or if I ask a simple quo estion he will say I am making an accusation – it is so difficult to know what is normal or real anymore.
Then comes the silent treatment.
He will be in a bad mood he will make a comment and then won’t interact with me. When I ask him what is wrong, he will tell me to leave it and won’t let me speak. If I ask him what is wrong or if don’t ask him, it is both the wrong thing to do. Everything I do is wrong and I can never seem to get through to him.
After the outburst when I tell him I am scared when he acts that way it’s intimadates me and I feel like we are not 50/50 and I cant talk to him or be myself. He will say I am making him out to be someone he is not. He has told me multiple times he will not change, he will keep telling me he will divorce me, he shouldn’t have married me or I am the worst thing that has happened to him and what did he do to deserve this life.
He has all these big ideas such as wanting to buy multiple properties, going on big holidays a year, buying expensive things and wants to be a millionaire while currently not having a job. For context we work from pay check to pay check and don’t have wealthy families. He then belittles me for my job and says I have nothing at the end of the month. I spent all my money going on these trips or with his ideas. He then tell me I need a reality check when all I talk about is trying to save.
When I ask him not to curse at me or call me names, he says well what are you going to do about it.
When I told him I was feeling down and went to the GP, he said (detail removed by Moderator)
We are now at the stage where we can’t have a conversation, I feel so unloved and uncared for. Everything is about him and how awful he has it.
I have left the house (detail removed by Moderator) times in the past because the house was so toxic and there was no way of easing the situation.
I don’t know what to do anymore, I feel like i have tried everything and feel trapped.
(detail removed by Moderator) he told me he is done and spoke about the divorce process and how we are going to seperate and now (detail removed by Moderator) he is making me tea and dinner and being all nice. This cycle is a reoccurance and makes things so much more confusing. When he is nice to me its does makes things appear better but then I am on egg shells again waiting until I do something else “wrong”
It would be great if anyone could tell me if this is normal, do I try again?
Is this really all my fault?
13th July 2020 at 3:22 pm #109791BalloonsParticipant
I am no expert, but just wanted to share that I definitely don’t think this is your fault. I don’t think it’s normal, and he sounds abusive and toxic to be around. It’s no wonder you’re feeling confused – that seems to be a trademark! Hope you’re okay, I’m sure lots of other people will be along soon to help reassure you xx
13th July 2020 at 3:36 pm #109793
I really think you should call his bluff and tell him to go ahead with divorce proceedings. If seems that he is feeding off seeing you being dowm and low and maybe by you being happy makes him feel happy. It’s strange behavior I know but my abuser used to do the same thing in a similar way. If he saw I was down and upset about his behaviour then he’d tell me he hated to see my like this and even try and hug me. Hugging and showing any human effection is not his thing at all, although at the beginning he showed alot of love, but as soon as I became pregnant and moved in with him he quickly withdrew that love.
When I’m being my usual self I can see that makes him angry and he’ll want to find ways to change my mood by belittling and intimidating me. This is all part of the control process. Now I never let him see me cry or show any emotion. When he’s going on his rants I just stay quiet, it’s easier than having to hear him go and on and I don’t want to give him the satisfaction anymore of seeing me at my lowest.
I know how you feel and maybe if he does go through with the divorce he could be doing you a favour. You don’t deserve to live like this and live your life with emotional blackmail, which is what this is. It will gradually effect your health and no man is worth that. X
13th July 2020 at 4:03 pm #109796iammeParticipant
You’ve left a few times. How do you feel when you are away from him? What makes you comeback to him?
The constant dramas and arguments, being on eggshells, it never changes. It erodes away at you, making you weaker and making you feel like you’re going insane. My husband would do the same thing. He would divide assets and say he can’t stand to be anywhere near me, that I didn’t know how to behave like a proper wife. Now that I am out, he files for divorce, thinking I’m going to beg him to come back. I signed the petition he sent and returned it. He has now put proceedings on hold, while he and his family make life hard for me and my family to force me to take him back.
Next time the house becomes too toxic to stay in, think about what is stopping you from completely severing all ties. Weigh up pros and cons. Is it a misguided notion that marriages are forever and that you can change him? He’s said himself that he won’t change. Even when they do say they will change, they very rarely do.
I hope you have supportive people around you and I hope you are doing ok.
Be strong and stay safe. Lots of hugs coming your way x
13th July 2020 at 4:20 pm #109799AnonymousInactive
It’s Christmas in July!!! He wants a divorce? Oh my goodness, tell him you want one, too! And if he doesn’t go through with it, you should. This is no way to live. Read over what you just wrote out about ten times and multiply it by 100 and this will be your anniversary present every year if you continue to stay.
What a monster! Abuse? I’d think of another word that’s worse if I could but yes, abuse fits nicely. Horrific abuse actually. Your fault? LOL! As if. Like I keep saying to people you really don’t have that much juice in your little magic wand to make him be the way “he chooses” to be. If so, you should get a patent for that wand and sell it because you’d be a millionaire long before he will ever be one.
It’s what they do. They will not see themselves in the mirror. It’s always always everyone else’s fault and trust me, if it wasn’t you he was doing this to, it would be someone else. He’s a little vampire, sticking his fangs in whoever and sucking the very life out of them doing it. I know exactly what I’m looking at here as far as his personality is concerned and he will never ever change except to get worse and escalate the abuse and to put on another disguise to confuse you further.
You’re not trapped but he likes for you to think that you are. He likes whittling you down all the time to puff himself up and make himself feel powerful. What a poor excuse for a man he is that has to do this to a woman in order to prop up his ego. You have options, you have rights. You need to use your energy now to find out what they are and go about getting this plague out of your life and no, it’s not about “him deciding” to do this….it’s about you deciding you’re not allowing this in your life anymore and you taking the reins to make it happen.
I would pull back all that energy that you give out trying to talk to him because it’s absolute wasted energy. He will just hurt you more by engaging you in circular reasoning and if he was going to turn into a prince that would have happened a long time ago and he wouldn’t need anyone giving him a roadmap on how to do it either. He is who he is and you have to see that now and try your best to – pull yourself away from him like you are an appendage of his.
You’re not. You’re a whole person here. But they slowly get you so intertwined with them, so codependent with their needs, wants, desires that your personhood and your needs, wants and desires just aren’t there anymore because you have morphed into him. Like the spider wasp will take a live tarantula somewhere and bury it’s eggs inside it and the babies will hatch out and eat the tarantula from the inside out. That’s what he does. In his mind, you are his to do with what he likes. Over time, you have agreed to this so he thinks all is well and he’s entitled. You need to tear that contract up now. Slavery was abolished a long time ago.
A marriage or a union should always be about two wholes coming together and staying two wholes. Drinking the same wine but not from each other’s cup, standing together but not in each other’s shadow, like two pillars supporting a temple. If you lose your self identity to another then it’s not a union anymore, it’s a tyranny and it’s parasitic, one is feeding off of the other one. It’s definitely not love.
We teach people how to treat us by what we allow. And they detest the people they can con because although it goes without saying with these personalities, everyone is absolutely beneath them and they are smarter than anyone else in the movie they are directing so – if you can be conned by him then of course you are beneath him.
Please take him up on his offer, get whatever support, advice, legal counsel you need. Not sure what you have done so far but life is short and you spending anymore time in this horrible prison and abuse just isn’t a good decision. We are always moving, backwards or forwards. There is no sitting on the fence so I hope you choose wisely here what direction you want your life to go in and be oh so stubborn about being on that path and staying on that path. He will destroy you if you stay. Big Hugs to you!!! Whatever you need, just ask us and we will do our best to help!! Talk all you want here, we do!
13th July 2020 at 5:32 pm #109816BeautifuldayParticipant
Welcome to the forum!
Your post was like listening to my life! An exact mirror image! Like you I am married and confused you have made the first step by coming here so well Done! Since I’ve joined this forum I’ve gained lots of clarity and the other ladies are so kind and friendly.
Just like you my Husband does the silent treatment it is not normal! I am now realising that snd wheras before Id get upset by it , or plead with him to talk to me now I don’t care and go off and do my own thing. Its childish abusive behaviour and they do it to control you.
Also like your relationship I can never have a normal adult conversation about anything, if its me wanting to ask about doing up a certain room in the house or trying to ask if will do certain things its always taken the wrong way and im “starting” or “arguing”
So now I’ve given up and don’t ask anything or broach any topic and then I’m seen as “quiet” or “miserable ” I honestly can’t win.
He also says marrying me was the biggest mistake of his life, its a joke etc etc then the next day all lovey dovey nice as pie making breakfast etc. When i show im upset and want to resolve the argument he says if i hadn’t started he wouldn’t have said those things and on and on the cycle goes. Google cycle of abuse, codependency, you will read about it and it will be like reading your life!
Your not alone lovely, keep posting and I we will help each other all of us here. Im in the process of gaining strength and courage, ive also spoken to my local womens aid which was the best thing I advise you to do this too.
13th July 2020 at 7:02 pm #109831
Oh my goodness! I didn’t even think I would get a reply and my God all your messages and support is truly so so amazing. I really didn’t think anyone could see me anymore.
I really hope you are all OK x
My husband left (detail removed by Moderator) ago ( took a while to be able to post as I am new) when leaving he said he didn’t want this anymore and then it went to he would change and understood the hurt he was causing, to then you will never see me again. (detail removed by Moderator) days passed no communication to then messages saying he loved me.
Now it is at the stage he doesn’t want this anymore he said he will never change and said we have to sort things out together. I mentioned we have done this a few times with no change. I advised for this to work at all we would need some professional help which he completely refused and said that doesn’t work for him. He said I just need to get over it, people say things that is life.
I am really finding it so difficult to pull away from him, I feel like i have some ties or chained to him and I still love him.
Maybe I could have been better or done something different. I am so upset to think my marriage could be over and will not have him in my life. It is very painful and sad. However I know I can’t keep living this life. I know I have become a shell of a person. I am not myself and I am afraid to say or do stuff.
How do I take that final step and trust myself? I really do feel I will live in regret if it was ends and I will be on my own.
I really feel pathetic
13th July 2020 at 7:14 pm #109833AnonymousInactive
For one, you have to realize that all your power has been given over to this man. Everything you say is about what he decides, how he feels, what he wants to do from moment to moment. It’s like you don’t exist in any of this. Why is that? Why do you think that is? When did you give the keys of your life over to “him”? And do you think that decision needs to be changed now?
If it ends and you will be on your own??? Oh happy day!!! Sweetheart, seriously look at how grateful you are for the poison in your life and for someone slowly destroying you… You love “this”? Please look up Stockholm Syndrome and tell me what you see…
You seriously don’t have to be an appendage he drags around in the dirt and punctures every time he needs a drink of good energy from you. But that’s what’s happening and it’s all as his whim to do so. You whimper but then he just does it anyways.
What happens to us is what we – allow. We teach people how to treat us. He doesn’t have you chained in the basement, right? I hope not……..so you do have options and you do have choices. You need to be about making them. Life moves on and it either plows you under or you take an active role in your own wellbeing.
He’s beaten you down, robbed you of your self esteem and considers you his doormat. Is this okay with you? I hope not. If not, then you need to do something about it. He will never change so chuck the magical thinking thingie out the window because it doesn’t serve you well.
Time to let the self-centered, self-serving, n**********c, little baby of what he calls a man ( but isn’t ) take care of himself. Or not. Isn’t your problem. When you became a union where did it say that I promise to change your diaper, endure your spoiled entitled brat rampages, serve you like a slave, slink down in the corner and hide when you are displeased, keep my mouth shut and basically just become a non person? Where is that written and do you think you agreed to that? If not then it’s simple. It’s not a deal or agreement that I can live with anymore. Won’t live with it. I see you, I get you and what I don’t get, don’t want to know about. You’re a little brat and a bully. I’m worth more than this, won’t stand for it anymore.
And we are afraid of what exactly? Afraid they won’t approve that we have rights as a human being? Afraid they won’t love us anymore when they never did in the first place? Afraid they will make our lives miserable when they’ve been doing that all along? Afraid of what? All the people that ever escaped persecution of any kind on this planet had to go for broke doing it. Life came to be unacceptable while imprisoned. Bottomline. You have to fight for what you want. So what, we made a mistake. We’ve all done it. But living in it only to sink deeper means we don’t see anything really. I want you to swim for it like you mean it. I’m not always the good wet nurse when it comes to people drowning. Time for all that later but when you are drowning, then it’s all about getting you to shore and – you are drowning…
13th July 2020 at 9:19 pm #109844HeadspinningParticipant
Welcome to the forum!!! You just described a huge chunk of how my life used to be ( I say “used to be” because it is no longer)
I met my abuser when I was exiting a marriage that had broken down Over (detail removed by Moderator)a decade ago (non abusive).
He cane along and “rescued” me, helped me rebuild my life (as he frequently liked to remind me)
Every argument for the first few years (after he had me hooked in of course) I was told “just go back to your ex, I don’t know why I even helped you escape”. I lost count of how often I heard this.
Over time I thought he was insecure (we do like to diagnose dont we!). So when he suggested getting married I thought that would help settle things down – and at least he couldn’t keep saying”go back to your Husband” when he was my husband!!
So when engaged – the new line became “let’s just call off the wedding”
So – did my life miraculously change? Of course not – he continued the abuse but just changed the script! Now I was getting “let’s just get a divorce” every week. This was within a few months!
Bottom line – he was just saying whatever he thought would cause me maximum hurt based on the situation.
What finally changed? I did. The last time he said “I want a divorce” I simply agreed and allowed him to paint himself into a corner. A petty argument On a midweek night over nothing was the final ending. When he tried to later reorder events to establish that the petty argument was my fault I stood firm. He left (to hurt me). He told family and friends we were getting divorced (To scare me). But enough was enough.
It’s not been easy, it was a very difficult roller coaster and this forum was a life saver. But I am now out of a very dysfunctional relationship with a n**********c overgrown immature bully and no one will ever get to treat me that way again!!! The abuse included regular ranting, complaining, domineering, Laziness, delusions of grandeur about what he actually contributed whilst earning very little and him taking regular time off to pursue hobbies. Being mr right all the time. All interspersed with mr laid back fun who Gave great hugs and was impulsive and witty.
It’s abuse. It’s hurtful. It won’t stop. But you have the power to decide that you are not going to choose that life.
I was on this forum exactly (detail removed by Moderator) ago saying exactly what you are saying now. I regret that I did give him another chance and wasted a further 6 months when he ruined my birthday, Christmas, weekends away with petty arguments. It broke down again earlier this year and I found the strength and resolve to end it. (Of course – he will say he ended it and forget about the times he tried to win me back and I said no – who cares, I’m out!!)
13th July 2020 at 11:33 pm #109858ChestnutParticipant
Hello, I know a couple of people have said this as well, but what you have written is so shockingly similar to my life! I am probably a few months down the line from you as posted back at (detail removed by Moderator), separated but stuck in the same house, which has become really awful now. But you are starting to see and question which is good, once you start to see you will likely have little wobbles and think it’s you, it isn’t and once you start seeing you will see more and more. You do have control here if you want it, don’t play a part in his cruel game anymore. I am grabbing your hand and pulling you along with me x
13th July 2020 at 11:51 pm #109860
You are not pathetic. You simply fell in love with somebody that wasn’t being real. You have done nothing wrong. You deserve love and by being in this marriage you will only ever feel what he wants you to feel. I honestly think if he wants the divorce you should go ahead with it. In the meantime he will be doing you a favour and saving you alot of emotional upset. X
14th July 2020 at 8:44 am #109876HeadspinningParticipant
I’d also add – it’s highly unlikely he even does want a divorce.
When my ex said it to me (regularly during every argument) it was to hurt me.
Most decent people – in fact all decent people – don’t choose to say the one thing they will cause most hurt to their partner to win points in arguments. But Abusers are not decent people.
I am pretty sure if you just say fine, let’s divorce, he will be back to acting normal cooking dinner the following day line nothing happened.
But you don’t forget, you are left with lingering doubts about whether he meant it. And I used to think – how little does he value our marriage if he can throw it away so easily or devalue it in an argument.
I would never say something so hurtful unless I really meant it – and even then it would take me a long time to build up that courage and it wouldn’t be during an argument.
These guys Chuck it in to hurt us because we haven’t taken out the bins!!
I think if you call his bluff he will say he was angry and don’t be daft no one is getting divorced, he’d never want a divorce etc. And it’s line it’s only their opinion that matters! Because if they don’t want a divorce, then of course it’s not going to happen!
Do you know – it’s just occurred to me where one of their weak spots are. They are so self obsessed they forget we have free will and we can make decisions too. And because they project that aura, we are so busy thinking about what is going on in their head, we forget to take time out and consider what we actually want.
My advice is see it all as a load of hot air – but consider if you want to be married for the rest of your life to someone who chooses to say things that he must know will truly hurt you at the drop of a hat. Does he have the maturity to meet your needs, does he even want to.
Stop worrying about where his head is at and start to prioritise your own needs. Really hard when they create so much drama and uncertainty- but to give you the best chance at a happy life it’s time to start thinking about you. Xx
14th July 2020 at 9:17 am #109879ChestnutParticipant
Such good advice Headspinning. So so true! They question the relationship to make you panic but one day after all the damage is done you wake and realise actually I want what you are suggesting here (ending the relationship) and you know what I am going to end it. I also highly doubt that he wants a divorce it is trying to make you panic and comply!
14th July 2020 at 9:41 am #109882BeautifuldayParticipant
I think a lot of us here can resonate with your situation as we are either in exactly the same situation, are in the process of leaving or have left, im at the moment in realisation stage and thats where you are too, thats why we join the forum to ask questions and have our doubts confirmed. Before coming to the forum I would make excuses for his behaviour so I was still in denial adage but once you hit realisation that is your first step to Freedom. It may take a while, you may go back and fore you may feel guilt or confusion i know I do! But take each day as it comes and gain as much knowledge and strength as you can this is what Im doing.
Your relationship is toxic and abusive lovely like mine , and if i had known this at the behinning I would have run for the hills but they love bomb us, its the drip drip effect of covert abuse with love bombing that keeps us hooked, then when you marry and buy a home together you feel your tied, uts a terrible situation but we will get out of it.
In a year time from now I hope and I hope you will to be like the other ladies here who have left , who have built the courage and strength and done it! Keep posting on here whenever you feel like there will always be someone to chat to 🙂
14th July 2020 at 1:18 pm #109901
Thanks to everyone for the advice, it is really appreciated.
Today I am really feeling so low, I feel like I have been completely discarded. We spoke (detail removed by Moderator) and he spoke to me like I was a work colleague he never met, like a robot. There was no feelings, no caring for me.
He said let’s cut all ties, when I asked if he had made his decision. He said he had tried suggesting we came back together and when I mentioned counselling he said that isn’t for me and I will speak to you again in a few days and hung up.
Now I am back in the circle of Guilt and Hurt. I really feel in limbo and have such feelings of Fear.
I really have gave my all in this relationship and feel everything I do is wrong and I am just not good enough.
The pain of knowing this is over is really overbearing. Why am I still trying and hoping when I know if we did try again it would be the same pattern.
I have been so panicked and anxious I found it so difficult to get up this morning.
My head is screaming at me to be stronger and move on while my heart is literally shattered and feel so alone. I am so sorry
14th July 2020 at 4:01 pm #109911AnonymousInactive
Isthisright – Sometimes we have to really step back and look who we seek approval – from? We give our all to someone, trust someone, believe in the illusion they projected to us and when we finally see “who” they really are we blame ourselves because of their lies, their manipulations, their abuse and – their choices. It’s like going to a doctor who does malpractice and harm to us and we walk away blaming ourselves for what they did and how we are personally to blame for it all.
He groomed you, conditioned you, coerced you into taking this position and now that all your good energy is sucked up by him – now – he’s done with you? Of course he is. And there will be another one right behind you that he will stick his fangs into. Whoever is available.
We feel alone because they destroy our personhood so the only reason you exist is to do for them. They will put your crumbs on the floor, btw, and you should be grateful for it. The only reason you exist in their world is to please them.
Let’s talk about the “consistent” good, loving, supportive, honest, mutual, empathetic traits this man has which puts him in the position of someone you should trust, look to for affirmation, seek out to love you, care for you, support you when you have needs…..maybe a good long list of all these consistent characteristics would be a good exercise to do. Always helps to put it in writing. Kind of like a due diligence thing but in reverse. Like writing out all the reasons why you’d want to go back to that doctor?
Sometimes the tape in our head is not ours at all but the programming someone has put in place over a long period of time in order to make someone more pliable for their needs. This means on their end of things it was never ever about a mutual union and only about it being a tyranny. They rule, you drool.
Be glad he is done here. His reflection of you back at you is like asking the wicked witch if you are the fairest one in the land? Of course she will lie her head off but a true mirror never does. It’s all lies – what’s playing in your head, compliments of him. Can you write out that list mentioned above? It might help….
14th July 2020 at 4:30 pm #109915EggshellsParticipant
Hi @isthisright . Sadly, it’s not as simple as just separating and saying “Phew, it’s over, time to move on.” I wish it was that easy.
You need to let go of all your hopes and dreams for the future that you thought you had together. The certainty that you had for your future has just melted away. It takes time to come to terms with that and to mourn for the relationship that you hoped you would have if he was able to change.
Your hope has gone. You’ll need to take some time for yourself to adjust to your new reality and to mourn for what you are leaving behind.
Try not to rush and don’t be tempted to get back with him. You need to adjust to your new reality before you can make any big decisions about divorce or reunion.
Talking can really help and whatever you are feeling or want to get off your chest, the ladies on here will totally understand. You will have lots of mixed feelings swirling around at the moment. xx
16th July 2020 at 11:36 am #110130
Sorry I am back again,
I had a really tough few days feeling very low and confused, nearly was at the stage of calling him to say I miss him and I am sorry and to come back… Feel like a useless person and maybe I could have done better in the relationship, I could have tried harder.
I spoke with family and friends for some support.
Anyways I received an email from him asking me questions about ending everything, I responded a few hours later (while sitting in major anxiety) then he messaged back making out he was doing everything right. Then he called me saying he was separating everything and I should rush with the divorce. Then after he sent me a messages saying he missed me and later deleted.
Now this morning he is texting me good morning and wants to speak with me again.. I literally and so scared.. The anxiety is intense, I don’t know what he is going to say or do next. He could be super nice or he could be so pushy and cold again. I am so confused, hurt and scared.
Like do we try give it a go again or do we just split. I think at this stage I am so low and anxious I could take a heart attack.
I know I sound so pathetic and confused…
16th July 2020 at 4:53 pm #110154AnonymousInactive
Please don’t talk to him. He is spinning you, quite on purpose. This will only get worse and worse. It will escalate and you have to step away from the fan and not put your head in it. His behavior is abuse. Not your fault. You need help to stay away from him so keep talking to us but also call your local DV charity, get your own worker that is dedicated to you, reach out to WA here via the chat online or email feature. All this push and pull, push and pull madness is done to just mess with you and to control you. Please call your GP because your health is being affected and they can also provide evidence should you need it. But under no circumstances do you talk to this little monster right now. You need to have peace right now and he needs to respect that.
16th July 2020 at 5:03 pm #110155EggshellsParticipant
I’ll pm you.
16th July 2020 at 8:39 pm #110176WhodatParticipant
You will be trauma bonded to him. It’s horrendous and the end is almost worse than the abuse. He is trying to make you beg and break you down more. Read Lundy Bancroft why does he do that, you can get it on kindle. It will help you understand your situation, it’s honestly life changing. This is going to take a long time but I promise it gets easier. Over (detail removed by moderator) I was discarded and I was bereft, had to go through the whole grieving process. Took a full year for me to feel like a real person again, to stop obsessing over him, the things he did. I was raging for the longest time. The rage was preferable to the severe anxiety and constant crying though. Nobody treats someone they love like this. Most people don’t treat random strangers like this. It’s not normal at all and it’s so difficult to see clearly until you have had time and space away from them. If you can read up on trauma bonding, co dependency etc it will help you. You are feeling the way you do because he has intentionally made you feel like that. Because he enjoys it. What kind of sick person chooses to hurt someone that loves them, and takes pleasure from it. The best thing I did was block him on every single thing and never ever look at his social media. I had to talk about it constantly for months to help me price as everything and let it go. It’s massively impacted my life but I now feel happier than I ever have, stronger and excited for the future. Imagine living in a home wherr nobody degrades you, with someone you can trust and respect mutually. Tell him to beat it he’s an embarrassment to men and start telling people you can trust. It’s harder to go back when your friends and family know what’s really being going on
18th July 2020 at 10:10 pm #110344
Please believe me, you are not pathetic. Where you find yourself right now is most definitely confusing but know from the get-go that it’s not you!
In my experience (the same for most women on this forum who got away) the only thing that will give you clarity is time and space.
Do you see that he’s not giving you either? He’s chucking everything from the abuser’s handbook at you so now you’re thinking you need to try harder, put more effort in, take a bigger share of the blame. Blah, blah f*cking blah…
It’s never going to be easy breaking up with a controlling abuser. You have to remember that they don’t play by normal rules. I don’t think they necessarily know what they’re doing. In my experience abusers spout whatever garbage comes to mind – which is why they can swing between abusing you and declaring love in the space of seconds.
If it’s at all possible you need to allow yourself the space and time to gain perspective. Don’t engage with him unless it’s on your terms – in other words, don’t reply to his messages or calls. Do you know how powerful ignoring is? If you haven’t already, get yourself a divorce solicitor experienced in abuse cases. Any communication should be through them.
Some abusers get angry when they are ignored. So if you ever feel unsafe, contact the police immediately rather than respond to him.
Wishing you strength x
19th July 2020 at 12:12 am #110366
Thanks all for your messages.
Well things have changed he arrived down during the week one evening as a ‘surprise’.
Literally I got such a shock, my anxiety and stress level rose and I was so frustrated.
He came in and I got the whole I am so sorry I have seen it was all my fault and please give me another chance. I should have listened to you and I didn’t mean those things. it was the first time I stood up for myself and said I wouldnt stand from it and I am a human being with feelings and have been so deeply hurt.
He said he understood and would show me everyday how much I mean and how he is a great husband. Maybe I shouldnt have let him in.. I really feel like this is my fault
Since then we have spoke about trying again or seperating and this has just gone round and round in a circle and I can see he still get easily frustrated and annoyed. That then just highlights to me things are not going to change and even though it is painful and I might have to end it.
At one stage he was trying to be nice and started kissing me and trying to be affectionate with me I had to ask him to stop I felt very uncomfortable, like I was a toy or someone without emotions that he thinks he could just do anything to. I dont know how he thinks he can just come back in and say sorry and then think all with be ok..
I have told him the trust has been taken away from the marriage with all that has happened.
I have said we should seperate and he agreed and then later he came to check if I was Ok (which he would never do) and then came back to me again asking me if I wanted to watch a film… I don’t get it.. Is this a control thing? Or is he just trying to keep me?
I know I have to take the last step and leave but all this confusion makes it so so difficult. I feel like i didn’t have the time space or energy to myself and since he has arrived back it’s just been back to been so so stressful. My heart rate is so incredibly high..
I have spoken to my friends and family about this and they have advised to go to counselling together or to leave.. Some have noted I have put up with enough..
I am really considering walking away in the morning. Any thoughts would be welcome
19th July 2020 at 12:32 am #110369
I would say follow your gut instinct, it won’t let you down. Sometimes we tend to follow our hearts and it’s not always the right thing. If you think counselling would help then i suppose it’s worth a try. Could you see yourself having children with this man in the future? I think you need to ask yourself lots of questions and let your gut do the answering.x
19th July 2020 at 12:46 am #110371
I think he’s doing exactly what I said in my earlier reply – not allowing you the space and time to think. Sorry if I’ve got this wrong but it sounds like he’d left your shared home (wanting a divorce) then moved back in (demanding that you work at a reconciliation.)
He’s doing whatever he wants without any consideration for what you want.
Please believe me when I say you don’t have to rethink anything – just because he says he’s sorry and has ‘suddenly’ realised how badly he’s behaved. You are allowed to think that the apology is too little, too late.
I can understand why you’d ask friends for advice but please know that they won’t necessarily understand the dynamics of abuse. Recommending couples counselling proves that. It doesn’t work in cases of abuse, full stop.
If you can leave safely I think you should. (Take paperwork and anything of sentimental value with you.) It’s worrying that he thinks he can attempt sexual relations with you, completely ignoring everything that has been done and said.
Can you get him to go back to where he went to when he left? Can you get the locks changed and make it clear that you’ve separated? Is it in writing (email/text) that he agrees to divorce or separation?
All you’re asking for is to be left alone to think and decide what you want. His turning up is harassment. Think about getting the police involved if he doesn’t let up.
25th July 2020 at 4:43 pm #110999
I am back and I am still so pathetic and in the same situation.
He is still here and during the last few days he has asked to try make it work. I have always been very scared about giving it another try. I am so hurt by all he actions and behaviour over the last few months. I really feel the trust hasn’t been broken down and I don’t know if I can ever love him the same way again.
All my family and friends and counsellors have told me to leave but for some reason I just can’t seem to. I know it’s not good for me or my health. My mind is all over the place and I am constantly stressed, anxious and upset.
We have been trying to sort it all week and then it would just end up in an argument. He has got really angry, has stormed off, banged things, cursed at me and at one stage told a major lie to me. He kept at me yesterday and blamed me over the last week I didn’t give him a chance so I caved and told him he had a week and now I just feel so sad, down, and like such an awful person. I really feel.so trapped and anything I do I am just going to do something wrong and be an awful person.
I can’t seem to make a decision or even seem to have a moments inner peace with myself.
I feel like i have created all this and just feel so low and alone and trapped. I really am at the stage going what is the point of me continuing my life anymore. I can’t do anything right. I just can’t seem to make a decision. I have got help over the last few months but I just can’t seem to act on anything. I know if sound so stupid and frustrating
31st July 2020 at 6:49 pm #111309
Stop being so hard on yourself. He’s a bully and you’re worn out with it all.
So…you gave him a week? You didn’t promise him anything except 7 days. If you haven’t already, gather your supporters around you for the deadline – to get him out. x
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