I am Struggling to Move On – (detail removed by moderator) Ex with No Remorse

[Anonymous]

Hello everyone, I am new to the forum and wasn’t sure where to post. I am sorry for the length of this post. I’m a British (detail removed by moderator) in my late (detail removed by moderator) who was living with a (detail removed by moderator) partner in (detail removed by moderator) for the last (detail removed by moderator) years and recently moved back to England after ending my abusive relationship.

I left the relationship in (detail removed by moderator), but I am having a really hard time moving on and getting closure.

I would say that it was about a year into our relationship that he became abusive. It was emotional and verbal abuse at first, and I didn’t really know what was going on – he would criticise my appearance and pick fault with everything from my outfit, to the fact that I hadn’t painted my nails and looked “sloppy”. At first, I was taken aback at the fact that my sweet, lovely boyfriend had made such rude comments about my appearance but they became more and more frequent.

I never “let myself go” or stopped bothering about my appearance but he found fault with everything I did. It transcended into other areas – to the point where I was stepping on eggshells and always on edge around him. He would watch me cook or wash the dishes, and pick fault with how I did it. If I left the window open and a fly got in, I was a r****d, if I asked “does this dress look okay?” he’d tell me that I wouldn’t have to ask if I didn’t eat so much. Constant picking to the point where I couldn’t stand to be around him. He thought he could tell me what to do all the time “(detail removed by moderator)?” and eventually tried controlling what I ate, yelling at me in public for eating something with carbs, or snatching lemonade out of my hand at home and giving me water.

Towards the end, I hated being around him. I would confront him about his comments and he’d get angry because I “didn’t listen” aka do what he told me. He’d threaten to kick me out of the apartment or he’d fly into fits of rage, throwing things around while I locked myself in the bathroom. He would go back to being “nice” again and then I would think that I would give him one more chance, for the same cycle to repeat and then I would regret it. I found it so hard to break the cycle.

Before we broke up, he punched me in the face during an argument. He punched me so hard that I had to check that my teeth had not been dislodged out of place. Instead of apologising or feeling bad, he had zero remorse. He said I was “a (detail removed by moderator)” and it “wasn’t so bad” and “never happened before and wouldn’t happen again”. I knew I should have gotten out then, but we had booked a holiday for a few days later and I was so overwhelmed by what happened, I went on the trip. He lost his temper at me because (detail removed by moderator). He stormed out (detail removed by moderator) and when I followed him to the car, he became incredibly violent – banging my head against the dashboard, pulling my hair, threatening to leave me in the middle of nowhere. It was really traumatic.

I left him, but I am having a hard time with the fact that he never apologised or felt remorseful. He shrugs off the violences as if it was no big deal. I am really upset and trying to deal with everything that happened to me, while he goes on about life as if it was nothing.

He tried reaching out to me a lot after I left him. He positioned it as if HE was giving ME an opportunity to apologise for making him so angry he became violent. I tried to explain how upsetting his violence was in an email but he feels no remorse.

I want to mention that this person is also a (detail removed by moderator). He works for the (detail removed by moderator) yet after our breakup, he tried blackmailing me for (detail removed by moderator) to not send inappropriate photos of me to my family (!), and would not let the situation drop. He stalked my social media and I had to set my profiles to private. Last week he accused me of sleeping with lots of men since leaving him when I hadn’t been involved with anyone. I have blocked him everywhere (whatsapp, viber, social media), but he contacted me via email (now also blocked).

This was the final straw for me, and I forwarded all emails and threats I received from him on to the (detail removed by moderator) where he works. I really don’t want to have to go through pressing charges, and don’t know how I would do so considering I am now in England and he is in (detail removed by moderator). I just found it profound that a (detail removed by moderator) would be doing this.

He immediately responded saying that he had already spoken to his (detail removed by moderator) Director and he “knows about the situation with (detail removed by moderator)”. The (detail removed by moderator) police never bothered to respond to me, despite sending screenshots and forwarding the emails of his threats. In my responses to him, I was emotional – calling him names, saying I hated him, etc. Now he is threatening that he will press charges against ME because those are traumatising for him and I am the one that is abusive – what?

I feel upset because everything that happened to me is almost invalidated. He punched me in the face and got physically violent in his car and he’s acting as if it is nothing. He also thinks he’s untouchable and that he can continue to bully and intimidate me. I really don’t know what to do. I wish I could stop dwelling on everything that happened but I can’t seem to let it go and move on because I’m too angry.

[KIP.]

Hi and welcome, I’ve sent you a private message. the moderator will likely redact some of the identifying parts of your post to keep you safe and anonymous. Keep posting and reading other posts. It will help you realise you’re not alone. Well done for reporting him and remember abusers are pathological liars. You have the proof. I’ve been told in this country the police are not dealing with historical cases until after the coronavirus which makes sense. Not much use to you but at least your safe physically. Have you had any counselling? It really helped me. What also helped was educating myself on abuse and the after effects. Everything you’re feeling is normal. And your reactions during an abusive relationship are what most of us went through. Google the cycle of abuse? For me the honeymoon periods got less and less until he either blamed me or just treated me with contempt. It’s going to take time now to recover as your brain processes the abuse now it has headspace to do so. Previously all your head space is taken up with trauma and staying safe. I’m sure other ladies will be alone soon to offer support but well done for finding this forum. There’s also the national domestic abuse helpline number 24/7 and I think you can online chat on this forum. It might be worth making a formal complaint to the UK police about the ongoing harassment. Perhaps if they email the (detail removed by moderator) Police it might hold some weight. Thank goodness you’re not still there. These abusers think they’re above the law but they are certainly not.

[KIP.]

One other thing I think is that when these men are threatened that their abuse will be exposed they go all out to discredit us. They bad mouth us and lie about us to anyone that will listed so that when we do make a complaint they think they can just say, see I told you. But you have proof, he won’t like that and they are so idiotic in their attempts to discredit us that very often they are their own worst enemy. You might like to read about n**********c behaviour. Although there is no excuse for domestic abuse, it enlightened me into n**********c traits and behaviours. Absolutely zero contact and time is how you recover and try to get some counselling. I’m having mine over WhatsApp for the next few weeks x

[HunkyDory]

Hi there, what an awful time you’ve had. I’m glad you’re out of it and far away from him now. You’re doing everything right, blocking him everywhere and KIP has given some good advice already.

Did you keep any evidence of the abuse – photos or recordings? Not sure how this works but maybe reporting him here could stop him getting into this country?

Take good care of yourself and be gentle with yourself. You’re recovering from horrendous trauma and it will take time. Read up on this as much as you can, I found it a great help learning a bit how these cowards’ minds work. No he won’t feel remorse because he feels he’s been hard done by. They are so wrapped up in themselves there’s no space for empathy or regret or anything decent in them.

Keep posting on here and you’ll get some great support with your recovery

Xxhdxx

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