I am trapped

[lifealone]

I am (detail removed by Moderator) lived in my current town for (detail removed by Moderator) have no friends as not allowed them, have no one to talk too as my family are not welcome have my clothes, food and anything else bought for me, I have a partial disability and suffer daily pain but can’t go to doctors alone, I am told daily that I am fat, ugly, useless,I have a mobile phone but not allowed to make calls its just for him to call me, get told when to go to bed and get up. It wasn’t like this in the beginning but for the last (detail removed by Moderator) things have got worse and worse, and as each day now passes I am feeling lower and lower,I haven’t been beaten physically, have been pushed and pulled and now just been told that after (detail removed by Moderator) we are moving out of the town, I have sat night after night since being told this dreaming up visions of me not going with him and visualizing living on my own in my own place doing my own shopping, but then end up in the bathroom in tears, I just can’t take this life of being a prisoner anymore but can’t see me being able to achieve it, and to be honest I wouldn’t know where to start or how too, I feel so alone.

[lover of no contact]

Hi lifealone and welcome to the forum,

Yes you are trapped but you can become free from this way of life. I was trapped like you, emotionally, financially, by my own religious beliefs (marriage was for life etc), and I had many children. I am now free from living on a day to day basis with an intimate partner who was controlling and abusive to keep me in my place and to get his kicks from me feeling bad. If I felt bad, low and upset he felt strong, in control and powerful.

You have taken the first step on your journey towards living on your own by coming on this Forum. I would never have left my abusive ex by myself. Keep posting and reading the posts as much as you can. Knowledge is Power. You will gain the strength to start taking actions to free yourself from this life. You can’t change him. You can change yourself.

Google the Power and Control Wheel. Google the Cycle of Abuse. Read ‘Why does he do that?’ by Lundy Bancroft. Ring Women’s Aid and explain your situation.

And keep posting on here!

And you are no longer alone. There is huge strength from women who have been where you are and got free to live their own life and make their own decisions. And women who are starting to break free like you are. And women who are not quite free but nearly free.

[Confused123]

Hi hUn

sorry to hear the situation u are in, welcome to the forum, u will find lots of support and guidance of here from ladies who were trapped in abusive relationship and of ladies still trying to escape, so well done for taking first step and reaching out . not sure if you have any minuets on your contract , could u call the helpline and leave message for them to call u back if goes to voicemail and even if someone answers ask if they could call u straight back and then delete the log of u making the call. Another option , not sure if possible could u email lisa who is the moderator on here and ask her to get some one to call u when it is safe to call. Keep posting on here . I presume as u cant go to gp alone , he takes u, could get him to take u but say it is a private female check up and make him wait outside room while u chat to gp

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Lifealone,

Welcome to the forum and I’m so sorry to hear that you are living in a prison like this. I agree with the other ladies, it is possible to break free of these men and you can do it. Those dreams you have of living alone, going shopping alone etc they can become a reality 🙂

I like Confused’s idea of telling the gp privately if you can get him to stay in the waiting room about what is happening as it sounds like it might be the only time you have alone at the moment.

It’s great you have posted on here. Do you have an email, I think the helpline provide email support although I’m not 100%. There are also local domestic abuse services which are sometimes easier to get through to.

Keep posting and we will support you to get out. You will need a safety plan, the helpline and local services should be able to help you with this, so that you can leave safely.

You can do it, keep strong, keep going and keep posting for support.

[Lisa]

Hi lifealone,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for posting. I am pleased you found us so I hope you find the support you are looking for here.

Well done for reaching out for support, it must have taken a lot of courage to do so. I am pleased to see you have already had some support from other Survivors who understand what you are going through.

I understand it is difficult to make a phone call but if you are able to contact the 24hr National Domestic Violence Helpline (0808 2000 247) then the Helpline Workers can discuss your options based on your circumstances and help you to make a safety plan to leave. There is a voicemail service if you are able to leave a message requesting a call back at a safe and convenient time when he is not at home.

Sometimes a local support group can be contacted via email, you can find your local group here. Talking to your GP is a good idea as is speaking to any health professional you are in contact with. You said your family are not welcome, do they contact you? Does anyone else know about what is happening at home?

You don’t have to go through this alone, we are here with you every step of the way.

Keep posting to us when you can.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[lifealone]

I don’t know if this thread is still going or whether anyone will see this message, hopefully it does get seen as I just don’t know where else to turn too. Its been about (detail removed by moderator) since I was last here due to having no access. I am feeling more and more trapped in this life and can see no way of getting out, I have no money, ill health, absolutely no idea as to how I could live on my own with no finances, no home, no furniture, no idea how to pay a bill, do a weekly shop, I don’t even know the actual price of a loaf of bread at my local supermarket, apart from my disabilities, my mental state is going down hill. I did attempt to make a phone call last year to my local housing department to see where I would stand with regards any help with housing and was told that I would only get help if I could prove ‘domestic abuse’ with a police report. I have literally no one I can talk too and it is all bottling up inside and I truly cannot see a light at the end of the tunnel, I feel as though this is my life for the rest of my life and I honestly don’t know if I could take this, I am (detail removed by moderator)  I do have adult children who all live miles apart, I cannot talk to them as he has convinced them that what he does is for my benefit and they all accept this, so is there really any point of dreaming about escaping this life, and if so is it actually possible that I could do it alone with nothing?

[Tiffany]

It sounds like your best option would be to go into a refuge where you would have somewhere to stay and support to get everything sorted out – bank account, benefits, shopping, and then getting somewhere else to live and bills etc. I didn’t go down that route, but if you can call the helpline they can point you in the right direction. I don’t think you should have to involve the police in your leaving if you don’t want to, although it might be another route out. What your husband is doing to you is illegal and I know that if you report them they can come and be present while you pack and leave to keep you safe then, although I am not sure if they can organise you with a refuge place or not. I would hope they might be able to, but they might also just set you up with somewhere to stay with the council, and it sounds like you would benefit from more support, so going through women’s aid might be easier? Can you look up and see if you have a local branch you can contact? They can be easier to get in touch with. I am really hoping that someone who went down this route will comment and explain how it worked, but I didn’t want to leave you without a response feeling like there are no options. You can get out, and when you do I think you will discover that you are more competent thank you can imagine. You sound intelligent and brave, and strong to have survived the abuse you are suffering for so long without it breaking you mentally. I know you say your mental health is deteriorating, but mine was in bits after only a couple of years of much less severe abuse than you are experiencing. It sounds like you have been coping remarkably well, but you have reached a point where you now do have to get out, and you can do that.

[Lisa]

Hi lifealone,

I’m glad you’ve managed to post again, although I’m so sorry to read that you are suffering and going through this serious abuse. Tiffany has provided some good advice. Going to refuge sounds like a realistic and appropriate option for you. To go to refuge you don’t have to involve the police. What you need to do is call the 24 hour confidential Helpline on 0808 2000 247 or contact your local domestic abuse service. If you call the helpline they can talk through any concerns you have, explain more about how refuge works and look for a suitable space for you. Refuge is temporary accommodation, with access to trained domestic abuse workers who can help you to get to the stage of being able to live independently. They will support you in making an application to housing for follow on accommodation after you leave the refuge. You can read more about refuge in the Survivor’s Handbook here.

I acknowledge it may be very hard for you to make a phone call, but perhaps you can work out a way to make it happen. You know your situation best and how you might be able to create a window of safe time. The helpline workers won’t tell you what to do, but can talk through your options and help you towards your own decisions.

Keep posting when you can, there is support for you here.

Lisa

[lover of no contact]

Welcome back lifealone,

So glad you managed to post again. You are very strong to have survived such serious abuse and control. Hang on in there and follow all the advice given on here. We can only take so much abuse/control though, so the sooner the better you get away from him.

Keep posting and reading the posts when you can.

[Twisted Sister]

I hope you can feel how much everyone is fighting for you here, and sending every energy to support you in accessing that desperately needed support and genuine care for your well-being.

I did go to refuge, with children, which can happen for you love. You will have the support one-to-one to do all those things you are worried about, and because of the nature of refuges, being hidden,he cannot follow and you will be free.

It is worth getting a brand new phone somehow so that the has no way to track you. A sim only pay as you go. Take your other phone with you, so he cannot access it, but remove the battery.

Have your passport or any other vital docs to take or even give to any friend or even neighbour to keep safe.

He will try most likely to convince anyone he can that he is worried sick about you to find out where you are, but that’s no lo get anything to do with him

You can be helped to change your name and live in a different county (wherever you will be safe from him).

The helpline have the specialist help for you in this and we are all here for you to spur you on your journey… We will be here to help in any way we can, use every support to get you free lovely.

Put all that abuse behind you for ever.

Hope you can keep posting.
Warmest wishes ts

[Author]

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