I am weakening help

[Buddy]

Hi all , Just messaging for some support really .. he has been away with work for (detail removed by moderator) , said bye to the children (detail removed by moderator) , still ignoring me .
He came home (detail removed by moderator) completley ignored me when he walked in , although I ignored him also . Then sat in the other downstairs room that he recently out a tv in for us to be seperate , my son was in there with him watching a film all cosy with a blanket .
I feel sick and last night I had a dream that I was the n********t .
My head is going !!
I am going to look at flats soon but I keep having awful cognitive dissonance !
One step forward two steps back , strong one min , weak the next .
What is happening to me . Is it me ? I am a good mum but not an amazing wife , I don’t cook for him as he normally eats on the road and comes gone late , I do the washing and sometimes clean . He cleans and cooks Sunday lunch.. have I got lazy as he has taken over so many things over the years ? Am I a s**t wife 😬 x

[KIP.]

It’s not you it’s him. Have you written a list of all the abuse he’s done to you from the beginning of the relationship? If not, sit down and start writing. It’s awful mind games. He thinks if he pretends he has the moral high ground you will eventually believe him, if he persists in behaving like a victim you will believe him and think it’s you. It’s not you, it’s him.

[KIP.]

We crave what is normal to us, even if that’s abuse. We crave those time crumbs an abuser throws us now and again to keep us hooked in. Don’t settle for those crumbs when the rest of the life is abusive behaviour. You’re on medication because if him, he’s assaulted your family. Put yourself first. I used to think if only I’d been a better wife but you can never be good enough because they simply change the goal posts. Leaving us hurt and spinning like the last time you wanted to feel loved and he humiliated you, blamed you and punished you. It’s not you, it’s him x

[Buddy]

Phew thank you kip .. that has defo talked some sense into me .. need constant validation for some reason . I do know it’s him but then I have a wobble. I guess I can’t get my head around why anyone could be so awful , let alone your own husband .
He has always stood up for me if anyone has ever over stood the mark with me , but he is the one doing it to me !! How messed up is this !
Thank u again x

[KIP.]

Yes I once read that the aggression you see in your abuser towards others will one day be turned on you. I know this feeling well. The way my ex used to defend me and make out that other other people were so bad. It made me feel protected but he was just getting me hooked in by his pretence of protecting me. You know his game now and have had many years of brainwashing so it’s going to take time. Imagine a huge ball of knotted wool, you need to unpick those knots one at a time. Baby steps x

[Buddy]

I said to him (detail removed by moderator) , if I move out I will take the children with me you know that right , he calmly said yes . Then I replied , you happy with this situation are you , it has come to this over nothing .. he said make sure you look at your finances if you are leaving !
That’s it .. didn’t freak or throw things , just very calm !
I am thinking now is he having an affair , but he is mostly at home so can’t see how 😬

[KIP.]

He was away with work for (detail removed by moderator) you said. My ex was having affairs. They always need a back up, someone waiting in the wings for when you discover he’s abusing you. But he also doesn’t think you’re going anywhere and that he can always bully, threaten, coerce you if you do. Take seriously the ‘looking at finances’ comment. Has he run up debt in your name? Has he got the bank account overdrawn. Theres often a grain of truth in these threats.

[Buddy]

He has always been away with work (detail removed by moderator) days a week , throughout our marriage , it’s not a new thing but yes he does have opportunities I guess .
I am thinking g his subdued reaction to me me saying about leaving is a) part of the control and b) part because he doesn’t believe I will go.
He has always been useless with money , earns amazing money. I honestly don’t understand where it all goes ..He pays for everything and I have a seperate account for extras .
Recently his card declined (detail removed by moderator) after he was paid ( my card for his account) I am wondering now if he has blocked the card so I cant use it . The account is in his name I am just an extra card holder , not sure if he can do this , but if he has it’s horrific 😬

[KIP.]

Financial abuse is his next step. My ex did the same when I said I wanted to leave he cancelled all the direct debits and expected me to pay half the bills which he knew I couldn’t. Like you he had a good wage and my money was for extras. This sounds very plausible. Give the credit card company a ring and ask them. There’s usually a number on the back of the card.

[KIP.]

He believed if I had no access to money then i wouldn’t be able to leave. He also emptied the joint bank account. Be prepared because you’re crossing his boundaries by standing up to him and he doesn’t know how to rationally discuss things he just goes from zero to 10. Straight for the jugular.

[Buddy]

He hasn’t cancelled my card , he is just over drawn , I rung the bank . Problem is I was actually disappointed , I was hoping he had , so it was another notch against him to leave.
I have just come home from
A long shift and still being ignored obviously !! I am throwing myself into work as he has been furloughed 😬 so I don’t want to be at home with him .
When will I have the guts to get out , I want to but I am so scared of the unknown .. any tips? I am desperate to get out now tbh

[KIP.]

Sometimes it just boils down to taking that leap of faith. Blindly jumping because the brainwashing is so ingrained. Ducks in a row. Perhaps telling yourself it’s a trial separation?

[Buddy]

Thanks kip , you have loads of patience with me I know it must be so frustrating , I frustrate myself .. I was thinking of saying to him trial separation as I have a feeling this will give me the courage .. I have a feeling once I have made the move I won’t go back .. ducks in row is what I M doing now , putting money away is a big thing , obviously takes time . Thank u again xx

[KIP.]

Hey, it’s not frustrating at all. I’ve been there and I know the feelings of uncertainty and reality testing. You have to take baby steps and go at your own pace. Whatever it takes to get out of an abusive relationship safely. To put distance between you to sort out the cognitive dissonance x

[Buddy]

❤️❤️ Thank you

[KIP.]

It may be he’s deliberately going overdrawn to prevent you getting access to cash. Can you get copies of the statements?

[Buddy]

(detail removed by moderator) .. I tried again . The only reason I want to talk is do we can come to some sort of decision about the house etc.
I said to him , I can’t carry on like this , with you not talking to me I don’t know what you want . Do you want to leave me ? Is there someone else , my head is in a spin , we can’t move forward we are just stuck in time with this silent treatment . We need to talk , he said I can’t talk to you ?? W*f I am the one trying to talk .. then he walked out of the room and I said well we are talking now , and he said yes but not for long !!
W*f .. I swear this is the last time I try , from now on correspondence will be zero and when I leave will be through solicitor or text .. w*f

[KIP.]

I’m sorry you’re going through this and I know your pain. He sees your vulnerability as a sign to hurt you. He can’t help himself. He absolutely loves it when you reach out so that he can slap you back down. You cannot negotiate with an abuser. He will just twist everything. You need to draw a line to where you want to be and stick to that line. He doesn’t want to talk about this so you will be met with aggression because that’s how he shuts down the conversation. Just keep working on your exit plan.

[Author]

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