23rd June 2020 at 7:26 pm #107390
I bring out the worst in people. We bring out the worst in each other… that’s what he said. Why do I find it so hard to accept that there’s a chance everything that happened could’ve been my fault.
I frustrate and annoy everyone around me. There was times that I was relentless, passive aggressive and sarcastic so surely I’m just as bad as him. Honestly it seems like maybe I just always bought the worst out in him and pushed him to limits that he’d never been at before. He’s a better person now, see the children, makes the effort with them. He’s the same charming lovely man that he was when I first met him… he just doesn’t want me. When I met him he made me want to be a better person… I wasn’t a good person, I was clingy, insecure, had no belief in myself and didn’t know where I was going in life, that’s bound to drag anyone down. I honestly cringe at the person I was back then.. I was pathetic. I literally begged for him to love me and not leave me… at times I sat in front of the door begging and promising I would change and be better… I had anxiety (still have it) and some days I would be irrationally anxious about something and get so stressed that I’d forget what I was stressing about. The only way to shake myself out of it is to sleep. I really am not an easy person to be with.. I already knew this about myself when I met him and I was determined to be better.. but I just wasn’t. I’m really starting to believe that I’ve gotten it wrong. Seeing how brilliant he is with the children and how much he now wants them in his life has made me wonder if it really was his ex who stopped him like he said.
It’s only me who finds it hard to think of him and our kids being a family with anyone els.. I’m the jealous one not him. Is it really me with the issues?.
I’ve never stopped him seeing the children, when he first left and bought the new girlfriend in, it almost killed me.. but I got better… and now I feel like I’m back to square one. I hate that his life is so good and he’s dumped me again because I’ve never been enough. When ever he used to walk out on me he’d say he wasn’t leaving the kids he was leaving me… was I so bad that he was forced to be away from his kids?
23rd June 2020 at 7:59 pm #107398
I’m really having this horrible feeling that I’m the issue.. sometimes I want him to feel upset too. This is so hard
23rd June 2020 at 8:56 pm #107410KIP.Participant
You are not the issue. Those things you said about how you were when you met him are things he would have brought out and exploited in you. It’s easy to be a good dad and nice person when you only see them for a short period of time. They’re good actors but cant sustain that act. Especially if there’s too much contact or they don’t get their own way. He’s used you again and got back into your head, which is what abusers do. That’s why total zero contact is the only way forward. Any contact is toxic. He’s a liar and a manipulator. He could easily have kept seeing the kids when he left but he chose to spend that time with a new woman, his new victim. Then when that soured he came back to hook you in and use you again for a while. False hopes and promises again. It’s just the nasty person he is. Go back to zero contact and stick to it. Let him see the kids but you need to do that through a third party. Don’t allow him access to you and You will soon see how he loses interest or when another woman comes along they will get dropped again.
23rd June 2020 at 9:18 pm #107421BalloonsParticipant
Hi Starmoon, you really are not the problem. I had a quick look through your old posts and it seems clear to me that he has capitalised on your insecurities, and managed to convince you this is all you. Some of the things you say really resonate with me, especially that last one. My ex did the same to me one time when he left, made me feel like I’d treated him so terribly that I forced him to be away from the children. It really messed with my head and still does now. It is really hard not to take all those hurtful accusations personally especially when you already feel s****y about yourself anyway. Being low in self esteem and even a bit paranoid sometimes (but I don’t think you were having read your other posts) is still no reason to ever intimidate you or attack you. Nothing you have done warrants abusive behaviour from anyone else, including him. I wish I had more advice for you, but please try not to doubt yourself. I reckon his happiness is fake, and probably designed to bring up these feelings in you, and probably wont last.
I also think it can be very easy to look at someone elses ex/partner and say what is okay and what isnt, or to make sweeping judgements about their entire character, but I know for one I find it difficult to read sometimes because there are so many different elements to a relationship. I wasn’t always perfect, I tried hard to improve, he can be very loving, I really believed he was my soul mate, all those happy memories dotted around in there. Feeling like, “surely I’ve got this wrong?”. But the thing is, I know that definitely some of his behaviour was abusive, and that’s enough to know it wasn’t okay. And there has never been, and still no sign of him ever properly recognising it for what it is and getting help to be better, so unfortunately the bad outweighs the good. I know that notoriously abuse only gets worse over time, and the best (and extremely hard, especially with children) thing to do is walk away from it. I second what KIP said, go no contact, the less you know about him the better. Don’t let his lies define you.
24th June 2020 at 7:04 pm #107516
Thank you both for your replies.. I just get so confused by it all. I’ve heard so many people say that he made me this way but then If I can blame him for how pathetic and crazy I turned out… he can blame me for how he behaved too. Thankfully I’m not pregnant but I still believe he lied about having the snip. I’m just not sure what’s acceptable anymore
24th June 2020 at 8:57 pm #107519KIP.Participant
Start with what’s unacceptable x
25th June 2020 at 12:24 am #107536TickleribberParticipant
Just wanted to say, being clingy and insecure, and not knowing where you’re going in life doesn’t make you in any way a “bad” person who brings out the worst in people.
A lot of us are just like that, particularly when we’re still young and trying to figure life out.
As someone else said, abusers exploit your weaknesses and are masterful at making you feel you’re a little crazy.
I like to think I’m A very grounded person, but even now my grown up children say I was bat crazy sometimes, that was before I figured out what was going on.
It’s not your fault.
26th June 2020 at 11:17 am #107615BraelynnParticipant
Be very careful about this frame of mind because for one – yes, we are all responsible for ourselves and we do. And you are more than willing to own your part. I see that. But he is also 100% responsible for his part in all of this as well. I am guessing that he is just fine with you assuming the position of being to blame for everything..? Is that correct? If it is – really step back and look very very hard at that one. If you entered into a relationship with him having issues, insecurities then he picked you. You might ask yourself then – why did he pick “you”? If you were so very horrible as you say here, why would he do that? See, I don’t think you are a horrible person at all. I think you have been trained and manipulated to go there. All to improve his ego and make him look good and like such a wonderful human being because OH MY here, do look at her and what I have to put up with! That’s what wee little egotistical charming men do. I mean, if he has always thought about you like this and in such a demeaning manner then why in the world would he ever have hooked up with you in the first place?
It just doesn’t add up. What I see here is a very familiar reaction to long term abuse, gaslighting and manipulation. It would appear that he does well when you are down and taking all the blame for everything. And did I read what you wrote correctly in that he immediately moved in his girlfriend after he left? That’s interesting… Wonder how long that had been going on when he was with you? And he blamed his ex for what? His ex stopped him from doing what?
It’s all so easy to look like the wonderful nice guy, caring father and all that when you are on the outside looking in, isn’t it? Then all the self doubt comes in of did I see or experience what I thought I did, etc. and all the mindgames go on in your head. I think you need to really focus on what he did and who he was to you that has caused all this anxiety in you because it’s not all you here. Never is. We all bring our baggage into a relationship. People say they don’t but we all do. Him included. It’s not like you can say Oh Wow, I’m totally baggage free! People lie if they say that. We all have our places of unresolved stuff, things we are working on, past hurts, etc. We may be in a healthy place with alot of it or all of it but it’s still there, it’s part of us.
Hopefully you will begin to maybe get your own self identity back or maybe for the first time ever because being codependent with someone else is only going to make you more lonely, taking all the blame for everything is only going to make you more insecure, more distraught and more alone. Now is maybe a good time for you to really find out what your hurts are all about and to find that person inside you that you’ve probably never really gotten to know. And if the mirror is always telling you what a horrible person you are then you have to know that’s not true and I’ll tell you why. Horrible people, don’t even ask the questions you are asking. They don’t care. They won’t look at themselves at all. Will never assign guilt to themselves because they are too busy making someone else wear it.
Little people……..need to have a pin cushion around handy so they can stick pins in their private little voodoo doll and transfer any pangs of guilt that might try and come into their world onto someone else. They make the other person look like the bad one, the ugly one, the crazy one. While they are all smiles and Mr. Wonderful and so nice and caring and blah, blah. Meanwhile, their voodoo doll is disappearing as a person every day. I see this in you and I know it’s not all about you bringing out the worst in everyone. I think there is some transference going on here. I wonder how he’s really treating this other woman in his life now and don’t think it’s going wonderfully well either. He’s just got a new target….
27th June 2020 at 11:21 am #107768
Thank you so much for your reply… when he came back this time he said that it was his last girlfriend who wasn’t any good with the children and that’s why he hardly ever saw them… he did say that they were supposed to be getting married, booked and paid for (just like our own wedding had been) but he’d ended it with her because he realised she was no good for the kids. He’s now got a new girlfriend. Your reply has really meant a lot to me. I felt like I was feeling so much better in my life before he came back, I was loving work and enjoying life, even with the current situation.. but now I’m questioning everything all over again. I don’t know why I can’t just shake it off. He doesn’t love me anymore… he told me he only came back because he was drunk and had been on a binge, once he’d sobered up he realised his feelings weren’t real anymore. Any normal women would think he was a p***k and move on wouldn’t they… but I can’t, that’s when I start to wonder if there’s something fundamentally wrong with me.
27th June 2020 at 10:25 pm #107865BraelynnParticipant
The wrong in you is only that you still believe a liar and a con artist and someone who has hurt you very very badly. It happens. Happened to me, happened to so many here. We realize it, take ownership and we correct it.
You might have something going on here that “could have” some bearing on this. Not saying it does but it could have. If you had a father who was not there for you or who was abusive – it’s kinda like a template gets laid down in our brain and we want to fix it, that relationship we didn’t have or that wasn’t good with the current man in our lives. Just something to consider, look at. Are their similarities?
He’s toying with you in everything he does. You have to have absolutely no contact because he is like a drug to you and you are addicted. He has one excuse and lie after another here and you have to look at yourself in the mirror here and say – I will judge myself based on who I have in my life. Because that’s what it all comes down to. If we are not true and real with ourselves then our inner true self – knows all that……..and is so not okay with it. You can lie to alot of people but lying to that part of yourself just doesn’t work. The only one that you need approval from – is you.
When you judge yourself because you know what you are following after is not good for you……..then your very being gets upset and revolts all kinds of ways. You feel the earthquake and I know you do right now soooo……you need to own that, realize it. It is what it is. Your real authentic self is asking – what in the world are you doing and why? Listen…….listen……..
He’s poison to you and you know it so why do you dance with him? You still want to believe in the illusion? Because all the charming times were that good to make up for all the bad? I don’t think so. You can say that. Doesn’t make it true. We can forgive ourselves for being taken in by someone who is very good at what they do and trust me – there is a good one just around the corner all the time. So boundaries need to be erected at some point here where you have them. I don’t see them now but they need to be there.
We have to get real with ourselves before anything changes. We can complain and cry in our cornflakes all we want to but the one that holds our heads down in the toilet is – us. No one else. We do it. We do it because we have been trained to do it. We do it because we have no real self esteem, we do it because we fear the unknown and had rather run back to our prison than have the courage to say – Uh, I really don’t care here whether my abuser likes it or not, I’m going for broke. I’m going to take care of me and he can go jump off a bridge because it’s time for me now.
That………is where…………you have to get to. No more codependency when you always think about his feelings and what he needs and what he thinks…….You do exist, right? I mean you are more than just an appendage to him, yes? I want you to put your head up now. I want you to look yourself squarely in the mirror and voice what “you want”. Not what anyone else wants…..what YOU want. Don’t apologize for it, don’t second guess it, just spit it out. Put it out there. You have to get away from this parasite. He will destroy you so you have to activate your will here. Light her up. She’s in there!
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