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Hi everyone I’ve just joined after thinking about it for a very long time but being in denial that it’s an abusive relationship for years. Most of the stuff is mental and verbal abuse however he had got violent with me on several occasions one time giving me a black eye and hospitalising me with severe concussion and a neck injury (this was the worst attack) and lots of other times choking me with (detail removed by moderator) threatening to (detail removed by moderator) and some sexual violence also, including a subtle way of forcing me into a threesome with another woman (who I walked in on him cheating on me with and he beat me (detail removed by moderator) and then had sex with me amongst some other things. I am aware that this is domestic abuse. I have walked away many times but always go back. He usually comes back first telling me no one could ever replace me which I fall for as I seem to believe this gives me some power in the situation. I am no angel and would always try to argue my point which is why we always end up arguing even though I do realise some of the stuff he says such as threats and that I’m no good and a f**k up etc is a bus I’ve, he also tells me I’m toxic and I’ve started to see it. He’s constantly sleeping around but always uses (detail removed by moderator) as an excuse (this has been (detail removed by moderator) and I am not allowed to speak to men or see anyone else) so I have some serious trust issues and I admit that when he ignores my texts and calls I go a bit crazy and send him a million angry texts but then always go back. This is the first time I’ve ever fully unloaded this so I’m missing loads out and I don’t know if I’m making sense but I’m willing to go into more detail just didn’t want to be too long. He has recently left me after I miscarried our baby,this is another story I need to tell but will see how this goes as I just need someone to talk to.
Thanks for any advice and response in advance x -
Hello and welcome,
Honestly I don’t think it’s YOU. Not saying you might have some behaviour you’re not proud of but there again if he’s been sleeping around no wonder you go a bit mental when he ignores you.
I would honestly say he does that on purpose to wind you up. Defo.
You sound like you are minimising some terrible behaviour of his btw. You casually dropped in ‘he chokes me’ like it wasn’t much. Jesus, imagine if a friend was telling you her partner choked her?!
Oh, btw – not judging. I have done/do do the same.
There’s a saying ‘Repeat a lie often enough and it becomes the truth’. I think that’s what your partner is doing. Winding you up so that you react and then saying you’re toxic.
It’s no bad thing to consider our own behaviour but from what you’ve said I think he’s just manipulating you.
Have you tried writing things down? I found this helpful with clarity. I also recorded him sometimes as he’d always lie about what had taken place. When I listened back it was clear it was HIM and not me. Not saying I am an angel. I did argue back (pointless) and on occasion I fought back too but these were reactions to his abuse and violence.
Take care. x*x
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Please call your local women’s aid or the police and report this man. He is extremely dangerous. What he’s doing to you is illegal and if convicted it’s so serious he would spend many years in prison. Don’t minimise the abuse, it’s what we victims do as a coping mechanism. He is responsible for his own actions. His behaviour is disgusting. The next step after strangulation is murder. It’s that serious and serious red flag. You need help and women’s aid saved me. There’s a domestic abuse helpline and also rape crisis have a helpline too. Please reach out and talk to someone. You deserve better. Have a look at Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. It’s all about domestic abuse. Absolutely none of this is your fault. There is never an excuse for domestic abuse x
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Hello healing heart and welcome. You are blaming yourself but it’s not you. His behaviour is very worrying and this is not a safe situation for you. Please get support as leaving or when they feel you are gaining independence is the most dangerous time. Get support however you can women’s aid GP Police national domestic abuse number but only when it is safe to do so. We are high risk fled with SS and IDVA support. I blamed myself too only now we are free can we see how terrible he was. You could ask for space in refuge. Good luck with your next steps to the life you deserve and don’t tell him anything about this x
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Luckily I do not live with the abuser. I have been in contact with the police and my local domestic abuse service many times but i always drop it after a while as he is on license and he’s told me if I ever get the police involved he would kill me and if he can’t do it himself he will get somebody else to. I know this gives even more reason to report but I am genuinely terrified that he will snap and will do it as he’s spent time in jail before (for (detail removed by Moderator), not against me or any previous partner) and didn’t take it too well. I did have a police protection put on my house a couple months ago which was that if their was an emergency call from my home they would know etc, but that put me even more on edge. The anxiety is just crippling.
Thank you all for your kind words. I have just looked at this from 2 months ago as I was so afraid I would be coming back to no replies or replies telling me what i feared most; that I was the toxic one.
I hope you’re all healing and taking one day at a time.
Love to you all.
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think i can relate – he does abusive things n you want him to hear you, to care how he hurts you …. its natural to be angry n want to see remorse … for him not to act like that … But if you replaced the ‘I’ with someone else’s name maybe you would have compassion n kindness towards that person who’s hurting and abused ie YOU. … see how they [YOU] are betrayed and abused over n over .. and blamed – so pls dont blame yourself.
Only a saint would not be angry, would not chase for some kind of attention n care n apology n true honest admission of faults. When we are angry n hurt we cannot think straight – sometimes we don’t do the wisest thing … it *still* doesnt mean it’s your fault imho.
Please be kind and compassionate to yourself – try not insult yourself n call yourself ‘toxic’. To me, ‘toxic’ is being intentionally hurtful n then blaming it on the person you hurt to avoid taking responsibility. None of us are perfect but doesnt mean we are ‘toxic’. It’s natural to get overcome with emotion when someone who is supposed to care shows they won’t even consider how it feels to be on the other end of *their* bad behaviour.
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Please don’t believe his version of you. Trying to stand up for yourself is most definitely not toxic behaviour. But it is most definitely pointless.
You are the victim of dangerously violent and persistent abuse. I know you must be going through hell right now, having lost your baby, but please, use this time apart to reach out for help. Speak to your GP or health visitor and tell them everything.
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Fortunately my GP are aware of to an extent of the abuse due to my hospital admission (detail removed by Moderator) ago (which i was extremely reluctant towards but my head hurt so bad I began to pass out). Although I am no longer seeing him physically he still contacts me via text, emails etc. Since I lost my baby I have experienced a new kind of abuse; he’s told all his friends and family that I aborted our child; reality is I suffered a miscarriage just before my (detail removed by Moderator) week scan and he wasn’t there as he didn’t wake up when I took myself to A&E at 5am… so because he wasn’t there he claims I secretly got an abortion when for the whole (detail removed by Moderator) months I was pregnant he told me at least once a week to get an abortion to which I refused. Losing a baby and then being told I’m a ‘murderer’ (his words, I support those women who’s choice it is to abort) is just a bit too much to bear.
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It’s amazing how they can affect you. You are not toxic, but it’s so hard to be nice and react rationally to someone who abuses and disrespects you most of the time. I found myself asking the exact same question as you. Is it me?
I found I was like a mirror and I’d reflect his behaviour, so if he was awful to me, it would put me in an awful mood, I found myself turning bitter, loosing patience, snapping at the kids. All the things I’d picked up from him, but if he was nice I’d be fine.
Now I’m out, all that bitterness has melted away. My patience has come back, my mojo has come back. Stay strong and you will see in the end it’s 100% him ☀️
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Healingheart you’ve really experienced some terrible abuse. Others have given great advice. I just wanted to say that there’s a big difference between less than ideal behaviour and abuse
A book I read (might’ve been Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft) says that it’s abuse if it intimidates and/or controls the other person. You may have done things you wish you hadn’t but did your ex feel anything like you did when he choked you? Abusers are experts at making everything somebody else’s fault. You are not in any way responsible for his behaviour. It is absolutely not your fault. Nobody deserves to be treated the way you have been. The Lundy Bancroft book, why does he do that? might help you see that the abuse was never about you, it’s all about him. Reading it was a real eye opener for me.
Sending love. Xxxx -
It sounds like you were subjected to horrific physical and emotional abuse from a very dangerous man! If you have access to therapy, it can help with healing the trauma of the relationship. It’s also essential to understand any unhealed wounds that may cause you to be vulnerable to these types of abusers.
You deserve peace and healing.
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