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    • #39282
      Serenity
      Participant

      I can’t believe how long ai lived with his abuse. It’s still hard to believe I am free.

      When he used to do something to upset the kids or I, I would try to reason with him, appeal to his better nature. He’d be so intimidating that my legs would shake and go into spasm.

      My whole day would be geared towards when he came home. He’d ring me repetitively in the day to check on me, ask what was for dinner that night. He’d never let me have peace or feel free. I’d be at work and he’d call me to ask if we were going to have sex that night. He never let me concentrate on anything- it always had to be about him.

      I’m finally getting to that point where the days feel calm. The roll one day into another, without major drama or upsets in the house. I still struggle with anxiety at times, but even then I am free to deal with it as I choose.

      I don’t have him trying to put me down at every turn. I can’t believe how I lived like it for so many years. I think I struggle with complex ptsd, but at least I can accept it and take the right steps to deal with it. Apparently you have c-ptsd if you were in a long term captive / controlling situation, and felt out of control at the beginning/ middle / end of the relationship. I see now how he controlled it all- from beginning to end. It’s important for me to get my own control and creativity back.

    • #39287
      wakingup
      Participant

      Hi Serenity, I am new to this and this is my first reply. I can’t wait to feel that level of freedom even if in a small dose. I’m going through the process of leaving an abuser. Its only been a matter of weeks but this time i am going to see it through . When I say leave I cant. The house is up for sale and I can’t leave for fear of him withdrawing the sale. You see I was manipulated into remortgaging my little home to buy this house and everything in it is mine. So I’m here avoiding him living in a bedroom. It’s not nice its awful. And because i take myself away from him he continues with financial abuse. I’ve moved my son out already although he’s not a dependent he’s at an age where he wants to protect me. The guilt I have for putting him through this with a man who isnt even his father kills me. I’ve suffered verbal, mental, physical as in he grabbed my throat once and once booted me out of the bed for not wanting sex but he’s punched walls, kicked doors, smashed bottles and dishes. He’s threatened the poor dog when trying to protect me. He drives the car crazy when I’m with him. Why have I stayed so long?? He verbally puts me down makes me feel inadequate like things are my fault. I’ve sat here for two days reading the forums and everyone I read I’ve said to myself that’s me. How did I get here? After going through another cycle of abuse ladt year my friend bought me a book on psycopaths. I only got half way through and cried through every page. I’ve been working on getting to this stage for months. I hope i come out the other end. Please all help me get through this. I still love him but why? But I don’t like him and I know i have to do this.

      • #39467
        pink rose
        Participant

        Well done to you. When I was married I used to shake from head to foot, I was scared of everyone,he isolated me, controlled me, hit me, threatened to rape me, intimidated me for sex, put me down constantly and played mind games to gas light me x

    • #39288
      Confused123
      Participant

      HI Serenity

      I feel the exact same way, i was just saying to my youngest today i cant beleive i stayed for so long and allowed the family to treat me that way, now i am out i can see how unreasonable they behaved, yet when we was with them it was like we were in a haze or fog.

      HI waking uo , welocme to this site, sorry to hear what u r going through , welldone for getting your child out, it will help the process, ifind by having kids in thenhouse they take advantage to hurt us more n*d provoke us more. My ex was same always smashing the house up, drunk, violent, i remember looking at the walls covered with cracks and punches from been pushed against to the wall, funny thing is i remember his sister comming around and i was like yeah dont know how these cracks keep getting here, and they just accepted. i pray u have a quick sale. post on here as much as u need to , we will supoort u , and dont worry we all asked ourselves really , how did we get stuck with an abusive partner, dont be hard on yourself

    • #39345
      Nova
      Participant

      Hi Ladies, Serenity thanks for posting this thought provoking topic, sometimes these posts just resonate loud and clear, in a moment where I’m at..amazing forum we have!
      I too find myself going over and over it…the past decade of neglect, and distance even from my own self, my life & my identity, the core of who I am was slowly covertly taken away from me.

      It’s only a few months away from him physically, so I am by no means ‘free’ yet. In fact I’m just beginning to realise how much has been taken, not just the material, money,house,car possessions, and a heap of debt to deal with..

      Emotionally scarred neglected, unloved and alone.

      What’s becoming glaring apparent and scary is the missed opportunities to grow and blossom as a person, that I feel a huge sense of loss over, the time and freedom to be me and build on my life as it was, what I successfully achieved…was taken, all those years I can’t get back.

      In the small steps I’ve taken since being out of the fire, I discover, like a captive coming out of a prison, that I’m out of the ‘loop’…seriously It’s everything about me…I need badly to re invent myself, get a new me..the basics of who I am, the outward and inward…my appearance, friends, job, even thinking!
      I want to move so far away from that nightmare. Never want to be that person who was in that prison with that jailer ever ever again. I know step by step, can’t come fast enough ..I’d love to re invent myself in a new place with a new identity! This huge mess that is now my life is ALL through being with him and believing him, I fear that it’s impossible to get it back on track at all to any where near what I once had…it’s a fact it won’t ever be the same again. Sad and true, I know I’ll get somewhere else, but the sacrifice is indescribable, mentally and physically monumental & cannot be denied any longer.

      Cx

    • #39349
      Jupiter
      Participant

      I am relieved to read these posts too. Its a bit like waking from a half coma and perceiving life through new eyes at last.This is life from childhood onwards as I was bullied and controlled there as well.Yes can relate to many losses but although I live as a recluse,I am inside a safer bubble,trying to make some plans,hoping to meet up with friends who are scattered around the country.
      Thinking things over-often too much-I think my youngest fails to understand my ptsd symptoms,wrongly assuming that it means weakness,the stereotypical vision of our culture. it only recently dawned on me to maybe buy a small book about trauma for family to understand.I am sure these publications are out there.I think,instead of viewing me as a real survivor,he keeps distant emotionally which really hurts me in my isolation.My kids are all I have and as the ladies have said above we have made many sacrifices to get from day to day and year to year.
      A friend who is a survivor too,once said to me that she does not regret her place in life now as she has grown more compassion because of it-a positive way to look at it.Also I agree we have to reinvent ourselves because we are not the same people after our histories.This is our time to blossom now.

      Jupiter x

    • #39365
      cupofcoffee
      Participant

      This is so inspiring, I am hoping that I will be free too soon, and that next year will be the time that I can finally be FREE!

    • #39468
      WalkerInTheRain
      Participant

      I realised yesterday just how much life has changed.
      I had an invasive procedure done and was feeling pretty uncomfortable. I was allowed to rest in peace, someone made my dinner for me, I was allowed to express my fears and concerns without a commentary of put downs and expletives. Aaaaaand relax 🙂

      • #39784
        IMALRIGHT
        Participant

        Hi this is a first for me but what a treat t read your tale my tale. I moved countries with children. Can’t believe I did this. Can’t believe I was init. Nor that I’m out. Im isolated now as I was with him but at least I don’t have that dread. I really believed he loved me?

        Do any of you have children and find the dynamic hard as when they domt get their own way they strop throw thing are really unreasonable?
        Its like they still want to create the OK, OK, OK then massive bust up tanty explosive cry fest . they refuse to help around the home. I’ve managed them a few times but it’s struggle. Your opinions welcome.

        When they are rude to me it trigger me feeling all cra** again and I’m Angry they say it but then scared they think calling !e those names is OK or ignoring me and saying no I won’t help you

      • #39841
        IMALRIGHT
        Participant

        why on earth would someone want to give you run downs after a procedure. ‘get on with it’ style
        what are all those put downs about?

        glad you were free of it x

    • #39786
      iwillbeok
      Participant

      Hi imalright. I have children and am working very hard to stay patient and giving but without letting them walk all over me. It’s a balancing act but I think things are improving. I got them to sit down with me and come up with some rules- pretty obvious basic stuff (I feel like I’m starting from 3 year old parenting again!). They can be so touchy and speak to each other with such bile in their voices and tantrum when the don’t get their own way! On the other hand they can be very caring and aware of their own and others’ feelings so I don’t feel our toxic marriage has completely ruined them. I lose my patience at times but make sure I apologise but again without letting them off the hook for their bad behaviour. I feel I’m getting all their angst and anger and tears, as apparently he is too weak and broken to let him know how they’re feeling. In other words I am being the adult parent and they feel they need to protect him. Ironic really.

      Next task is to try and reintroduce some chores – I refuse to be anyone’s maid anymore. This I’m betting is going to be met with much resistance.

    • #39800
      lover of no contact
      Participant

      Hi and welcome IMALRIGHT,

      Well done to you. That’s a big achievement, leaving an abuser and uprooting leaving countries to do so. I can relate to yours and other posters on the children’s behaviour.

      I find nagging mine to do chores doesn’t work with mine. They just won’t do it. It doesn’t bother them in the same way it bothers me. So I find leaving ‘their mess for them to clean up’ the way for me to go. I too don’t want to be tidying up others’ messes. And I too don’t want to be anyones maid anymore! So I try not to even look in their bedrooms anymore, no more putting their clothes in the washbasket, leaving their uniform in a crumpled mess, dirty cups in room, overflowing waste baskets etc. So hard for me to do…but you know if I leave it, and leave them with the mess of their own making I find they are eventually tidying their rooms, emptying the bins. Now not in the timescale I want. But I have to work on my discomfort of not ‘fixing’ their mess.

      I have a colourful bowl for the kitchen table and front room where I just put any of their dirty dishes in that they do not take over to the sink. The funny thing is I say nothing, I just gather the dishes up if they leave them and put them in this bowl. Then if they need a lift/money I say ‘as soon as you clean away your mess. I then remind them that my New Year’s resolution is not to clean away others’ mess.’ It is very slow but progress is being made. I have to sit with my feelings of having to look at their mess until they clean it away. But I find my action of leaving it undone (that includes clothes washing for my just-adult child) works better than the nagging where they ‘tune me out’.

      • #39840
        IMALRIGHT
        Participant

        Wow!! Hello!!

        Contact! I can’t tell you how excited I am that you guys replied! some others out there, who have been in this secret mad world that I have, now dealing again with all your own (detail removed by Moderator) closure issues, plus the fall out for the children, which of course he just hasn’t a clue – even though one of his key phrases was ‘you have NO idea!’, actually he really has no idea what we’ve put up with, and now dealing with but we are out. so first hello back and gosh that’s made a difference reading frm you.

        Thanks for your ideas, how perfect – yes that’s exactly the answer. because it’s triggering me and making me grumpy big time and I don’t want to be to them, they don’t deserve any more garbage. it’s scarey thinking how this has affected them good ness knows and we’ll only find out when they are 18 or so. but you can only act now and be present now.
        Do you find that what’s been really annoying is the situation ‘maddness’, has made you be less present as you’ve been dreading, thinking, trying to fix, worrying etc etc instead of just living? what a waste.
        and that gets depressing, it’s nearly (detail removed by Moderator) so I’m sure it will go, but last night oh I was so low, even though We’ve got this far, we are in anew way of life, we aren’t socially in a network as I’m single mum – the kids from school have play dates but the parents don’t want to become my friends, I can’t tell them of the past as no one would understand. I feel they think i’m a bit of a (detail removed by Moderator) as I’ve moved a big move and they probably think I’m a real cow but they don’t know how little he wanted to be with us, the words he called me, the fact he gave me a document saying to go….

        all without wanting to try counselling as I was suggesting for over (detail removed by Moderator) via texts, emails, etc.

        so he must be happier now, he has not made any big effort to re kindle etc, but on a skype video he acts all ‘I’m alone, I’m struggling though, going for interviews trying my hardest” it doesn’t make any sense and makes me feel sick.
        So I can’t look and have already spoken of him too much.
        I want free of it all. It just doesn’t make sense. he was so horrible, so why send poor me videos? he didn’t like us at all? I don’t get it.
        so I’m rambling, but I love your advice, I’ll try that . it feels horrible the skivvy thing.

        I’m just amazed at my kids, little soldiers they deserve so much. I’m so sad they had to hear those words and feel that tension in the young years . It just makes me want to try and have massive fun together just for us we waited a long time for him to join us but we can just do it now.
        thanks for being there.
        any tips to battle the downward slope? I binge eat it’s not pleasant.thanks for any help

    • #39817
      Nova
      Participant

      Hi Ladies Im inspired by the… leaving their mess..yea it’s good to let anyone pick up their own stuff..after all we aren’t born wanting to pick up after others, in reality it’s not like that in the ‘real’ world!

      Flat mates wouldn’t tolerate it, why should we. Also it makes me feel better not doing it…as it was demoralising to have to skivvy after him. He’d Deliberately leave piles of smelly clothes, not clean or tidy basically nothing..like Lord of the Manor!
      He left a trail of destruction …his life…for us exs to pick up and deal with. NO thanks! We are all worth more than that 😉

      Cx

    • #41371
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Hi Serenity such an inspirational post, I think now I’m away its a question I’ve asked myself so many times how did I used to live like that, and a question that others all ask why didn’t you leave sooner, I think their hold is so great it’s not until after you leave that you truly look back & realise just how much of a hold that did have, one of fear to leave, another of back then feeling I really wouldn’t cope on my own, I’m useless & worthless & so weak. I was in it over (detail removed by Moderator), I could never understand why nothing I ever did was good enough, Totally believed I was abnormal, You are so right the red flags were always there at the beginning, middle & end of the relationship. The one thing I don’t think I’ll ever understand is how Could I have been with someone all that time & still now after escaping I look back & think he is still a stranger, I never really knew him at all. Why did I still care when he never did, how did one person drain my entire soul & strip it of its worth. I am so relieved I eventually saw why he scared me so much to be around him, think we all ask ourselves how did we ever live like that x

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